Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Scent-A-Mental Memories

I've been inspired to write about Pepe Le Pew and his kitty cat girlfriend, Penelope. Penelope mistakenly went under a freshly painted chair and got white paint on her back. From that point on she was the object of Pepe's affections.

"Eenie, meenie, miney, mo. Catch a lover by the toe. If she holler hold her closer. Eenie, meeine, miney mosa." ~Pepe Le Pew

For an enjoyable venture into some of Pepe's antics, check out this YouTube video.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Ode de Skunk

Peeyouie! I ran over a dead skunk in the middle of the road and brought the odor home on the truck tires. Needless to say, my neighbors aren't too happy with me.

I had just taken a hot steamy shower topped off with some expensive French perfume I received for my birthday, thinking I was "hot stuff". While driving home from the grocery store, I decided to listen to some jazz tunes on the truck stereo. Never paying too much attention to what is squashed into the pavement, I kept my eyes ahead and realized there was a bad odor emitting from the underside of my truck. 'Oh no,' I thought,'It smells like a polecat!' (referred to as a skunk in these parts). Ode de skunk overpowerd whatever "sweet smell" I was wearing.

The skunk stench lingered for the rest of the day. My next door neighbor came home from work and said in a load voice, I could hear through closed windows, "What the hell is that awful smell. It reeks of dead skunk!"

My neighbors are great, but now they look at me with a great deal of skepticism. All I can tell them is expensive French perfume is no match for ode de skunk. Even Bear cat won't go near the truck.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fall Glow

It was a dank, dark, dreary day yesterday, but I woke up to the glow of this magnificent maple tree against a cloudless blue sky this morning.

I immediately grabbed my Kodak digital camera that was hanging on the doorknob, in the hallway, and went outside.

I took the picture to the left, looking up from the base of the tree. It captures the Fall glow that weaves its magic this time of year.

For me, it symbolizes hope and renewal of the human spirit as the beauty of life unfolds after the dark clouds clear.

To all those Horse Pucky readers who have supported Jon and I through our cloudy days, thank you. You know who you, you know why, and you are loved.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Save on Taxes and Health Care Reform

All right, all ready! Let's get going on saving taxes and all this health care reform hooey. I agree with Grayson's take on the Republican philosophy. Don't get sick and die quick.

My favorite idea comes from A Modest Proposal by Jonathon Swift circa 1729. It's a satirical article stating that children should be used as food. They are both nutritious and delicious stewed, baked, roasted, or boiled. That will take care of all the juvenile delinquents in our school system, which is already overburdened with an abundance of services for the "darlings" at the taxpayers expense.

For those of us who never get sick; we should be mailed a yearly wellness incentive check. Let's see now, that equates to $152.40 per month, which I pay out of pocket times 12 months equals $1,828.80 per year.

Let's get going folks. We can learn from the past and hope for the future. We can save on taxes and health care reform at the same time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Fat Removal

Three weeks ago I had to have a fatty tumor removed from above my right eyebrow. It was nothing serious and turned out to be benign. The plastic surgeon gave me a shot of novacaine, lidocaine, and some other muscle relaxant that made me want to snooze for hours after surgery. Too bad I couldn't sleep during surgery. I was wide awake while Dr. O'Connor explained the whole procedure as he carefully made the first incision.

His first comment was, "Does it hurt?" And I said, "I thought that's what the novacaine plus was for; and no it doesn't hurt!" Then he gave me his good news bad news report during surgery. The good news was it indeed was a fatty tumor, nothing unusual. The bad news was it went deep and wrapped around a facial nerve and a muscle. 'Oh great,' I thought. So I asked him, "What does that mean?" "It means we have to go deeper than I thought and I'm not sure the novacaine plus will cover that."

I gritted my teeth, sat on my hands so I wouldn't lose control, and said three Hail Marys. The worse that happened pain-wise was a slight pinching feeling when he cut into the muscle. After that it was a serene experience. That injection he gave me had something in it besides novacaine. I was ecstatically happy for 24 hours...until the injected coctail wore off.

The lump is gone from my forehead. The incision is healing. Now I have to figure out how to get Dr. O'Connor to remove the rest of the fat from my body. Then I'll be really happy.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Golf, Drilling for Oil, and Insanity

After 25 years, I decided to take up golf again. I was pretty good as a teenager, which was fifty some years ago. In fact, my Dad wanted me to go pro, but I was addicted to horses and went the equine route instead. Now I know why I stuck with the horses.

First time out with my new/used clubs was not too bad. I got all enthused and decided to play again the second day. Big mistake. I hit a tree more than once and was actually going backward on the course instead of forward. In fact, when I was supposed to be on the fourth hole I was actually on the second hole. Trees have a way of spitting the ball in the opposite direction.

My next great fete was drilling for oil. I kept trying to hit the ball but only managed to take loads of turf behind the ball, without hitting it, at least five times. I think I discovered oil on the 7th hole. It's a public course, so I'm hoping I won't have to pay taxes this year due to my oil dig.

This is the most insane sport I have ever tried to master. The inconsistency of it all is extremely frustrating. Every so often I'd hit a great shot, then nothing. Last week I went to the driving range to figure out what I was doing wrong as well as right. I think I've got it.

Can't wait 'til I go out again. I may have to play late at night, with one of those mega flashlights, when no one else is around. I can still hear the laughter, as a crowd gathered on my second day out after 25 years, to see if I would strike oil on the 7th hole.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Hand Grenades and Leaf Blowers

All the rules and regulations for flight travel are astounding at first glance. However, it's all pretty simple as to what you are allowed to take on board. I found out you can put just about anything into your suitcase as long as you check it at the baggage counter before boarding and pay $15 going and another $15 coming back, as long as your luggage weighs under 40 pounds. I don't know what happens if your suitcase weighs more than 40 pounds. They probably take your first born child.

My second favorite "not allowed on the plane" rule is NO HAND GRENADES. Duh! No kidding! The only reason I can think of for this rule is military personnel who are traveling. But then why would they travel with hand grenades? They know better.

My absolute favorite rule of all is (drum roll please) NO LEAF BLOWERS. Are you joshing me?! If my job required traveling with a leaf blower, I'd be looking for another line of work. Maybe the leaf blower could be used as a hair dryer or a dehumidifier or...never mind.

Just a word to the wise, leave those hand grenades and leaf blowers home or you may miss your flight. AND bring plenty of cash and at least one of your children.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Clean Underwear

Mothers always have wonderful pearls of wisdom that escape me after really thinking about them. My favorite one is, "Make sure you always wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident and have to go to the hospital."

Who cares about clean underwear when your body becomes road ravioli after a car accident. Maybe my mother was thinking about other hospital situations such as your water breaking upon going into labor, then you have no time for clean underwear. Or rolling around on the floor trying to pass a kidney stone, then you are in too much pain to pull a pair of underwear over one leg.

So much for those pearls of wisdom. At least I don't wear my undies inside out when they get dirty.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Tube Steaks and RVs

Yipes! I went from a blog post a day to nothing since June 23rd. All I can say is, life happens.

One Horse Pucky reader thought I went back down to Florida for tube steaks, and another person emailed me and thought I was tied up in an RV park, in no man's land. More on that later.

Just for the record, I was eating tube steaks at home, but not tied up. Many thanks to those of you who were concerned. FYI: Tube steaks are hot dogs where I come from.

Well, I'm back into some sort of a routine now. Life isn't quite so topsy turvy, just topsy. Everyone in the family is healthy, happy, and productive. Horses are full of pep and vigor, Bear cat just shredded the morning paper, and I'm ready to answer calls for my daughter who has a medical practice, but is out of town for the week.

Hopefully none of her patients will die laughing.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

How To Beat Stress

Listed below are a few ways I beat stress:

Be grateful.
Always have something interesting to read.
Listen to music.
Keep it simple.
Keep the house picked up
Drink lots of water.
Eat only when hungry.
If it doesn’t taste great, don’t eat it.
Don’t over-schedule.
Laugh more often. Humor is a definite stress-buster.

These are just a few. Embrace them; they work!

OR drink a bottle of wine with a straw.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Cell Block 41

Just when I think I've heard it all, I realize I haven't.

There's a gift store in SanFrancisco called Alcatraz Gifts. They have an Al Capone refrigerator magnate with Big Al's prison number AZ 85 and an Alcatraz Cell House audio tour in CD format.

In case you think I'm full of horse pucky check out the website: http://www.alcatrazgifts.com/

What will they think of next!? Maybe I'll get one of those refrigerator magnets for my Mom for Christmas. You know how difficult it is to find a unique gift for someone who has everything.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

It's All In the Name

There's a relatively new funeral home that opened up down the street and around the corner. It’s called New Comer. The name implies that the deceased is planning on using the facilities again. A better name would be Out Going.

While driving through Buffalo, I noticed another funeral home called Amigone. No kidding! It’s an old family name in the area and is pronounced, “Am I gone?” Ending up in Amigone is about as gone as you’re gonna’ get…no questions asked.

I'd like to know who comes up with these names. Aside from the fact most funeral parlors are named for the family memebers who establish them, couldn't Amigone be changed to something more ethereal. Any suggestions for a new name is welcome.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Is It Tube Steak or Tube Snake Boogie

There seems to be some confusion as to ZZ Top's song Tube Snake Boogie. Some think it's Tube Steak Boogie. You decide.

The American rock trio that formed in 1969 wrote songs that are full of sexual innuendo and humor, so I can understand the mix up. I heard it was originally the Tube Steak Boogie, but had to be changed so it could be aired.

I'm a huge fan of ZZ Top. All these years I thought it was Two Step Boogie. I love to dance to their music and never really listened very carefully to the words. After reading the lyrics online, now I understand why tube snake could be misinterpreted for tube steak, neither of which I knew about until I reached my mid-sixties.

Sometimes being naive is blissful, but the lyrics and music to Tube Snake Boogie is a tad raunchy and just plain fun, appealing to the naughty side of my personalty.

Get down and sing along with the lyrics.

Lyrics to Tube Snake Boogie: Compliments of http://www.lyricsfreak.com/

I got a girl she lives cross town,
Shes the one that really gets down.
When she boogie,
She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie little baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

I got a girl she lives on the block,

She kinda funky with her pink and black socks.
She likes to boogie,
She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie woogie baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

I got a girl, she lives on the hill.
She wont do it but her sister will,
When she boogie,

She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie little baby,

Boogie woogie all night long.

Blow your top blow your top blow your top.

Life is too short. Have fun!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Foot in Mouth Embarrassing Moment

I'm in Florida right now. We celebrated my Mom's 90th birthday on Sunday, the 24th. In addition, I met my future son-in-law, Mark for the first time, who flew in from Key West with my daughter, Teri, on Sunday. I'm staying with my son, John who has a new girlfriend, Solidad. My brother, Terry added to the mix of intersting people.

Then it happened. We were talking about getting together in another six months for a cookout. Each person discussed what would be good to cook on the grill. Everything was mentioned except hot dogs. This is where I piped in and said, "You forgot the tube steaks. I love tube steaks." Mark looked at me in disbelief as everyone turned three shades of red and burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at. Mark turned to Teri grinning from ear to ear and said, "Your mother is a wild woman."

John was on his Blackberry, handed it to me and said, "Here's the definition of a tube steak." After reading the definition I yelped, "Are you kidding me! All this time I thought a tube steak meant hot dog. That's what it means in Pennsylvania!"

I'm not going to tell you what tube steak means. Use your imagination or look it up. Be careful what area of the country you use certain words so you don't have a foot-in-mouth embarrassing moment.

P.S. My 90 year old mother thought it was so funny she was checking her 1972 copyrighted dictionary to see if tube steak was in there. It wasn't.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Men and Spandex

I was inspired by a gentleman, who thinks men look great in any kind of bathing suit. Of course I disagree. Read on if you dare.

Men's bathing suits are fairly simple and usually conservative in color. They wear trunks, jams, or Speedos.

In my opinion, swim trunks are most flattering on men, with jams being my second choice. No man, no matter how fit they are, should ever wear a Speedo in public.

I like something left to my imagination...spandex on men doesn't do it...either for them or for me.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My Winter Expansion Program

Take a look at the word spandex. If you change the letters around a little you have the word expands.

There are two reasons bathing suit manufacturers chose the word spandex and continue to use it in their swimsuits.

The first reason takes into consideration the thoughtfulness of the manufacturer…it's to oblige weight fluctuation. As I put on weight over the winter, the spandex accommodates my changing shape. I call it my winter expansion program. Bathing suit manufacturers are well aware of the program and market accordingly, which brings us to reason number two.

Manufacturers are well aware that after prolonged use, especially in a chlorine pool, spandex loses its elasticity. It's not pretty after that. Gravity takes over and everything migrates toward the equator. At that point, it's time for a new bathing suit, which is exactly what the swimsuit manufacturer's plan was all along.

As I continue to age, my winter expansion program and the laws of gravity make spandex a necessary requirement in my swimsuits. The fact is my bikini days are over, folks. I gracefully accept that fact as I look forward to thoroughly enjoying the summer either in or out of a bathing suit. And you can take that any way you want.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Language Confusion

Ever been to the United Kingdom? Oscar Wilde said, “The Americans are identical to the British in all respects except of course language.” Going there can make for amusing language confusion.

If you go to the UK and tell a Brit that you’ve been watching the boob tube (U.S. television) it would raise a completely wrong image. In the UK, boob tube is a slang term for a tank top or knitted sleeve top. Oops!

Telling a Brit that your daughter just got braces on her teeth, may classify you as a wazzack. Braces mean suspenders in the UK and are used for keeping your pants up. They’ll wonder why your daughter has suspenders on her teeth.

In case you are wondering what wazzack means, I’ll tell you. If you aren’t wondering, I’ll tell you anyway. When the Brits call somebody a wazzack, it’s a friendly way of telling them they are idiots. For example, “Listen you wazzack, don’t you know the difference between braces and suspenders.”

When traveling to other countries, make sure you know what their slang means before you use it. Oh, by the way, horse pucky means horse shit in the UK.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Is It Love or Lust

Love and lust is truly blind. If you have both, sexuality becomes a bond rather than a manipulative, controlling tool.

What is the difference between love and lust? Sometimes it's both. This is where it gets tricky.


  • Thinking with the wrong head.
  • Not thinking at all.
  • You don't care about what she has to say.

  • You're obsessed about what she looks like.

  • You only want to be with her for the sex.

  • You think about what's best for you and not for her.

  • You're quick to anger when she says or does something wrong.

  • You look at other women when you're with her.


  • You have great chemistry.

  • You get lost in conversation, hours seem like minutes.

  • You think one another is the best thing since sliced bread.

  • You think she's beautiful.

  • She thinks you're handsome.

  • You include one another in everyday plans.

  • You have fun doing simple things, like going for walks, watching the sunset.

  • You look forward to introducing her to family and friends.

  • You want to spend time together.

  • You don't push the the sexual experience, but wait until you're both ready. Just being with one another is what's important.

  • You see a future together.

  • You feel comfortable and safe with one another.
Love is the most enobling of human emotions. It is trancendental, exalting, and capable of changing us into being better human beings. I highly recommend it!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Kick Ass Sneakers

Michelle Obama may have paid $540 for her French sneakers, but they don't hold a candle to my pastel plaid, kick ass, high top, all stars by Converse. And I only paid $25 for them, on sale, at the Famous Footwear store.

Take a gander at those plaid babies. Are they cool or what? Eat you heart out Michelle. I know you wish you had called me first. We could've go on a shopping spree together at Famous Footwear in Rochester, NY. After that we'd be off to the barn for some serious horse pucky stompin' in our haute couture diddly bops.

Oh yeah, that's what we called sneakers in high school a few years back...diddly bops. And they didn't cost taxpayers $540.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Fun After Your Colonoscopy

Ever had a colonoscopy? They tell you how to prep before, and what to expect during a colonoscopy, but they never tell you how you'll react to the sedative they give you. I'm sure it varies depending on each person's tolerance to medication, but it turned out to be a fun experience for me...probably not anyone else involved at the Dr.'s office, but that's okay, 'cause I'm never going to see them again.

I wanted to watch my colonoscopy procedure on the small screen monitor they had hovering over the gurney I was laying on. So I asked if I could bypass the sedative they wanted to give me. Dr. Steve said, "No! That first turn with the endoscope is a sharp right and we don't want you to feel any discomfort which would make you move, which could tear the wall of your colon."

"Swell, I said sarcastly. How about just a little bit of sedative so I can watch, but not feel the pain." "We can do that", said the doc. "Are you sure you really want to watch this?" Now I was starting to get a little nervous, but said, "Sure, I can tell my grandkids all about it over dinner." Grandkids like cool stuff like that.

As soon as I said "grandkids...dinner...." I felt a needle prick in my backside. I could hear the nurse's voice over some blues rendition of some tune I don't remember, "This will help you relax. It's just enough sedative to take away the pain, but not too much so you'll be able to watch the procedure on the monitor."

When I woke up, I asked when the colonoscopy was going to happen. Tom, my husband, said "It already happened." "Wait a minute. I missed the whole thing! I got gypped!" At which point Tom asked me," Would you like to get dressed and go home, or would you like to stay and do it again, or maybe we could come back next week?" Believe me when I tell you, I didn't want to go through another one of those nuclear laxative preps. So, Tom helped me get dressed, and held my hand as we got ready to leave. I was feeling mighty mellow.

On the way out of the office I grabbed people I didn't know, hugging them and telling them how much fun I had and how much I loved everyone. How do I know this? Tom was laughing two days later and spilled the beans. I was so embarrassed. Knowing his sense of humor, I thought, 'He's kidding.' So I decided to call the Dr.'s office the next day. The office staff all verified Tom's story. Apparantly, I even went into one of the cubicles while some guy was getting ready for his colonoscopy, hugged him and told him how much fun he was going to have.

I don't know what was in that sedative, but everyone should go through an out of body love experience like that at least once in their lives.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Life is a Dead End

Someone told me I was full of horse pucky the other day. Why? Because I can find humor in just about any situation. I call those situations resurrected moments.

Take today's title post for example. It's a play on words and is also very true. It goes along with the sign to your right, which I think is hilarious.

Lest you think I'm an insensitive dolt, I'm not. My husband died a year and a half ago. He was a great guy with a terrific sense of humor. We melded (that's right, melded, not melted) like grilled cheese on toast, and always enjoyed those resurrected moments together.

So, Im not really full of horse pucky (well, sometimes), I just have fun memories of Tom and all the silly things in life that made us smile.

sign compliments of http://www.purpleslinky.com/

Monday, April 20, 2009

Horse Pucky Award #6

The Horse Pucky Award of the week goes to the New York State Department of Education.

Rochester school districts are complaining about being shorted $36 million dollars. How about doing away with the rubber room, which costs in excess of $35 million a year to operate. What's the rubber room? Read April 13th post "The Rubber Room".

Or how about returning tax payer dollars for supporting an over surplus of school supplies that have been sitting around in boxes for years, which cost us $11 million total. The reason: No one bothered to check what was actually needed, so purchasing was done by someone who said, "If we need two we probably need twenty, so I think I'll order twenty." Lazy, lazy, lazy.

What amazes me is how people, who are in responsible positions, get jobs in the first place and keep them?

It's more horse pucky as usual.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Spring Cleaning My Teeth

Every six months I get my teeth cleaned. It just happens to spring into April and fall into October...Spring and Halloween. Not that those two times of the year have anything in common, I just thought I'd mention it.

Think I'll bring my dentist a gift bag of horse pucky. He's really a funny guy with a great sense of humor. In fact, I actually like going to the dentist for that reason. I just wish his dental hygienists were as fun as he is. They poke and prod with that poke and prod tool they use mumbling numbers to another assistant who groans when Nurse Pokenprod calls out numbers over 5, making me want to exchange my teeth for a set of steel bear traps.

Of course the horse pucky may not be a good idea. When I have to have a tooth drilled, I get novacaine. I get my favorite flavor...pina colada...no kidding. Pina colada flavored novacaine. Dr. Bob may decide to flavor his novacaine with horse pucky to make me feel like I'm at the barn, which is one my favorite places to be. He's very accommodating that way. I'd still rather have the pina colada flavor.

One of the reasons I go to Dr. Bob is because he has a sign outside the office that reads, "We cater to cowards." And he does. And that's why I go there even if I have to deal with Nurse Pokenprod.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Horse Pucky Blooms

I just dumped 20 gallons of horse pucky in my garden. It's still pretty chilly here in upstate New York, but I'm seeing green shoots, buds, and a stray fly.

What really excites me right now are all the poppy leaves shooting up from the ground in furry, lacy, curls! They're double what they were last year at this time. I just know it's from all the horse pucky I mulched into the soil the last two years. The stuff really works!

Taking pictures with my Kodak digital camera is always an experiment to see how accurate I can be in capturing the true beauty of the flowers. The pink poppy is reminiscent of a Georgia O'Keeffe painting; one of my favorite artists. This is one of last year's blooms.

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Rubber Room

New York State politicians are always trying to figure out ways to cut costs. How about doing away with the rubber room with annual costs in excess of $35 million.

What is the rubber room? It's a detaining center for teachers who are accused of misconduct. Some of the misconduct may be ficticious or true. The point is, the rubber room holds these teachers until a court date is set for a hearing and adjudication. It can take years for a court date to be set. Meanwhile, each teacher held in detention, receives full pay and benefits for doing nothing.

The idea of the rubber room was to help teachers who were falsely accused by students...students who didn't like their teacher. It was usually one of those unruly brats who were taken to task by a teacher who cares. Brat gets torked off. Brat reports that teacher abused him. Teacher gets the rubber room whether deserved or not.

Unfortunately, there are some teachers who are abusive, or who have been arrested for drug posesion, or on DWI charges. Those who are truly guilty of obvious misconduct should be fired, not detained in the rubber room.

The public needs to be aware of this $35 million fiasco, which has been dumped on already overburdened taxpayers. Shame on the New York State Department of Education. It's more horse pucky as usual

For more details on The Rubber Room go to http://www.rubberroommovie.com/

Monday, April 6, 2009


It's Easter week. Reflect!
Time to decompress, defrag and...RELAX.

Fizz away those winter blahs in a hot steamy tub of scented bubbles. Go ahead and pamper yourself. You deserve it. It's good for the mind, body, and spirit.

Just make sure you don't sit on your yellow rubber duckie.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Mother Goose: Humpty Dumpty and Politics

The other day I was rummaging through some boxes in the basement and found my old Mother Goose nursery rhyme book.

After reading a couple of rhymes, my brain started reworking the rhymes into kooky, political flights of fancy. In other words adult ADHD kicked in, and Humpty Dumpty got turned into a political parody of sorts.

If you want to read on, do so at your own risk.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
but it wasn't profitable for Humpty at all.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a stool
but for Humpty Dumpty that, too, was un-cool.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the fence,
just like our local and federal government.

Now Humpty makes money using fence sitting tactics,
by lobbying, filibustering, and other money-grubbing antics.

I told you to read this at your own risk. I hope you've stopped groaning.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I'm In the Zone, Man

Everyone needs a cat. They usually don't give a 'horse pucky' about much of anything. Cats know how to live in the moment.

In fact, when I'm having a particularly stressful day, I just take a look at Bear and mentally imprint his relaxation techniques.

Life just seems more balanced after that.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Fools and Horse Pucky

Some of us never grow up; especially me. You'd think after reaching senior citizen status I'd be more mature and sophisticated. It's never gonna happen.

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. It's the perfect time to put horse pucky to good use. In fact, I got a great idea along with the April Fools logo from a fun website www.april-fools.us/homemade-gag-gifts.htm

I'm going to take one of my horse trophies, take off the top, and replace the horse ornament with a dried horse pucky turd. When I give out the Horse Pucky Award of the week, I'll have a trophy to go along with my blog post.

Have fun today...and oh yes, Happy April Fools Day!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Horse Pucky Award of the Week #5

The Horse Pucky Award of the week goes to anyone in power who uses people as ways of extricating money from them...such as the U.S. government.

Anyone else would go to jail, but our elected officials seem to have no problem collecting money, in the form of taxes, to pad their own pockets. Call it taxes, call it what you want, I call it extortion. Actually, I'm really tired of the whole thing.

It's very disillusioning to see people who once had good jobs, a home, and food on the table, standing in line at soup kitchens. What went wrong? What's even scarier is...where is it all going?

I need to get off this doom and gloom kick. If I'm going to be homeless, it'll have to be in Tahiti. Upstate New York winters will be tough on my tepee.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Kissing is Fun

My cousin, Patty, sent this picture to me this morning. I love it!

Kids are great. They have no hang ups whatsoever.

The message here: Kiss a lot...no matter what!

Have a super day!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Burma Shave Nostalgia

Remeber those Burma Shave signs? I do. They originated in 1925 and went out of vogue in 1963. Now they're an American icon, with some in the Smithsonian Institute.

The familiar white on red signs, grouped by four, fives and sixes, were as much a part of a family trip as irritating your kid brother in the back seat of the family Studebaker.

At the height of their popularity there were 7,000 signs along America's highways. First you'd read one sign, then another, anticpating the punch line on number five and the familiar Burma-Shave on the sixth.

Those Burma-Shave signs allowed my brother to reach puberty. He used to drive me nuts on trips; poking and punching when my parents weren't looking. Then tattled when I punched back. Of course, I never did anything to him. All I wanted to do was read the Burma-Shave signs.

I used to love reading them along the highway. It was a great way to advertise shaving cream and lotion...and keep me from deep-sixing my brother. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I like advertising so much...and copywriting...and now my brother.

Here's another series of Burma-Shave signs on I-90. I think it was I-90. My long term memory is full of horse pucky fumes.

His cheek

Was rough

His chick vamoosed

And now she won't

Come home to roost


For more Burma-Shave slogans, go to www.fiftiesweb.com/burma.htm

Monday, March 23, 2009

Horse Pucky Award of the Week #4

Bernie Madoff won the Horse Pucky Award of the week. There were others considered such as AIG, but Bernie is, by far, the worst offender of humanity that ever came down the pike. Why? He scammed Elie Wiesel. How can anyone scam Elie Wiesel?!!!!!

Elie Wiesel was fifteen years old when he and his family were deported by the Nazis to Auschwitz. His jaw dropping book Night, is a depiction of his survival and the horrors of Auschwitz and Buchenwald where he watched his mother and younger sister die a horrible death. His two older sisters survived. Elie and his father were later transported to Buchenwald, where his father died shortly before the camp was liberated in April 1945.

Elie Wiesel won the Nobel Prize for Peace soon after he and his wife, Marion, established The Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity. Enter Bernie Madoff.

The Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity had $15.2 million under management with Bernard Madoff Investment Securities. This represented substantially all of the Foundation's assets. Now it's gone; probably in some off shore account for the rest of Bernie's family to enjoy.

The goal of the Foundation's programs is to provide immigrants with desperately needed academic tutoring, pre-vocational training, and social and emotional support. I could go on about the importance of the Foundation, but I'll let you check out the website instead. http://www.eliewieselfoundation.org/

Mr. Madoff, you really screwed up big time. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits, and the accumulation of a years worth of horse pucky find their way into your sorry life.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Spring Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic. It's a gorgeous first day of spring in Rochester, NY. Bright sunshine warms the ground even though Mother Earth was dusted with snow early this morning. It's the day my spring rituals begin...covering the gray, and painting my toenails red, but only after cleaning the horse pucky out of Silver's and Sadie's stalls this morning.

It's also the time I think about my childhood years and remember tunes my grandparents used to listen to; tunes that were brought back in my generation, which I still enjoy. You know, happy memory time tunes.

I started to reminisce about a fave group called The Ink Spots, and one of my all time favorite songs they recorded, I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire. I discovered it on YouTube and want to share it with you.

It made my first day of spring all mellow and cool.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's Out!

It's out! I'm waiting anxiously for my signed copy to come in the mail.

Cranelegs Pond, the blook, is available through Amazon. Better yet, you can get to Amazon from Cranelegs Pond. Visit the pond first to read some of Bob's posts. You'll get an idea how enjoyable the book...oops, I mean blook really is. It's well worth the price. In fact, I think it's underpriced.

After reading the blook it made me forget all about the AIG bailout fiasco for a while along with the rest of the horse pucky I had to deal with today.

I visit the Pond every day to gain some sort of link to both sanity and humanity. It's a delightful place to be.

Go dip your toes in the Pond, then dive into the blook. You'll be glad you did.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I'm Not Paying Taxes

This week will be the easiest decision I've ever made in choosing the Horse Pucky Award recipient of the week. In fact, I'm so angry I'm having a tough time using decent language in today's post.

I find it incredulous that AIG has the gall to award themselves $165 million dollars for employee bonuses, and in the unit primarily responsible for the company's financial troubles! And THAT my friends, comes out of taxpayer dollars! If that isn't the biggest pile of horse pucky I've ever seen, I don't know what is.

I'm not paying my taxes this year. I'm not kidding. I refuse to support the corrupt, corporate, colorectal cobras who are supported by a government that looks the other way while congressional palms are being greased with corporate funds, further bolstered with taxpayer dollars.

On second thought, I'll give 10% of what I own to the government. Since I own two horses, ten percent of two horses comes out their back end, which equals 43 pounds of horse pucky per horse per day. You figured right; that's 86 pounds of horse pucky each day until April 15th when taxes are due.

Guess what the New York State Capitol and the Capitol in Washington D.C. will be finding on their doorsteps on April 15th?! The same thing we find on ours; almost a ton of horse pucky in 29 days.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Horse Pucky Award of the Week #3

There isn't enough horse pucky in the world for this week's recipient. The Horse Pucky Award of the Week goes to...George W. Bush. It was a toss up between Putin and Bush, but after giving serious thought, George W. ended up winning hands down.

Russia is thinking of establishing strategic aircraft in Cuba. That's just lovely! My daughter lives in Key West, which is 90 miles away.

George irked Russia by sending patrol ships into the Black Sea. Russia got even by invading U.S, ally, the Republic of Georgia. Probably because the name reminded them of George. Hopefully Russia, doesn't come over here and invade the U.S. state of Georgia. At least we don't have any states named "Barrack".

Then George W. got his underwear in a bunch and positioned missles in Poland and the Czech Republic further angering Russia. Last heard, Russia's heading for Cuba. I'd like to think it's for spring break, but I don't think so.

If Bush and Putin had both gone to Cuba to learn how to play together, nice, in the sand, we wouldn't be in this pile of horse pucky in the first place.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Seeing Things

It's March and it's snowing! Cabin fever has set in. I wanted to work in my garden, but the ground is frozen. Instead, I sat out on my front stoop this morning, cleaning the horse pucky off my riding boots. Lo and behold a chipmunk skateboarded right past me going in an easterly direction.

At first I thought I was seeing things, so I ran in the house for a cup of coffee I had just brewed. When I went back outside Mr./Ms. Chippy whizzed right past me heading west. I went back inside and grabbed my Kodak digital camera because I knew no one would believe me. You probably still don't believe me, but pictures don't fib. He's a cute little guy or girl. Can't tell what the gender is 'cause s/he was going too fast. My day is complete. I didn't garden, but I witnessed a skateboarding chipmunk of unknown gender.

Yes, I've lost my mind due to cabin fever and lack of sun. Hopefully, Ill find it again by May...my mind that is...maybe even the sun.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Horses Are My Bag

I've been around horses since I was eight years old. For those who don't get it, I'll tell you ...it's an addiction.

People who have known me for years understand it when I pull a tissue out of my pocket and hay falls out. For those who have just met me, I have to fill them in on my preoccupation with equines. They still don't get it, but that's okay.

Just to give you an example of what being a horseperson really means I'll site some examples:
  • I am totally grossed out when I find a human hair in my food or in the bathtub, but not bothered at all by horse hair on my clothes, in my hair, or on my dinner plate.
  • The back of my pickup truck looks like a rolling tack room complete with riding helmet, horse blankets, and hay cubes.
  • I say "whoa" when I apply the brakes to my pickup truck and pat the dashboard saying, "good girl".
  • I love pickup trucks.
  • The only time I go to the grocery store is when I run out of carrots and apples.
  • I have to dump shavings out of my shoes before going to marketing meetings.

You get the picture.

At least I own stock. The only problem is, my stock has eight legs. Horses are definitely my bag.

Monday, March 9, 2009

It's Wendy's Birthday!

This is a special day. It's my daughter, Wendy's 44th birthday. Wendy's a great person, not just because she's my daughter, but because she's a caring, loving, supportive woman.

She's also more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. She bakes kitty litter cakes, sends humorous cards for no reason, and is full of good cheer when the rest of the world is falling apart at the seems.

Family and friends are looking forward to a birthday bash this evening to celebrate 44 years of love, fun, and creative pranks.

Happy Birthday, Wendy. We all love you.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Horse Pucky Award of the Week #2

A-n-d...the horse pucky award of the week goes to ultatraditionalist bishop Richard Williamson who has said the Holocaust was exaggerated and that no Jews died in the Nazi gas chambers. What planet has he been on?! Even Vatican officials are among his many critics.

No wonder people are leaving the Catholic church in droves. Too bad, because there are many sensitive, caring clergy who have hearts rather than mortar at their core.

All you Roman potentates need to a get good dose of reality before we have nothing left of what the Church was originally intended to provide...spiritual direction.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Badunkadunk or Junk In the Trunk

Teenagers have a language all their own. Occasionally I have an opportunity to work with them either individually or in small groups. Most of them feel compelled to tell me about their day and some of the “cool” things they do. I find most teens to be charming, open, honest, and downright humorous without trying to be.

There are times, however, when it's very difficult to understand the meaning of what they're trying to communicate. Being around teens and their slang transports me into another dimension. I’m learning some of their lingo, but after hearing the following conversation I thought I was on another planet.

“When I was checkin’ out I saw some badunkadunk jivin’ down the road. Turns out she was a sparkler, so we started chillaxin.”

When I was on my way home, I saw a pretty female (sparkler) with a big rear end that looked good (badunkadunk, sometimes called junk in the trunk) walking down the road. She was an old friend, so we hung out and relaxed (chillaxin).

Because I love words, I’ll definitely have to add badunkadunk to my vocabulary list. Knowing its double meaning makes me laugh. Chillaxin is a word combo that speaks for itself.

As you can see, sometimes it's necessary to ask for a t. t. (teen translator) who can help decode their jargon so that communication is in the present dimension rather than the twilight zone.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Is Your Participle Dangling?

I had a dream about dangling participles last night; probably because I had a bowl of chocolate-chip, fudge brownie, chocolate ice cream followed by half a jar of green olives before I went to bed. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, there were dangling participles hovering over the bedpost. Sounds kinda' kinky doesn’t it?

What is a participle? It's a word ending in “ing” and sometimes “ed”. It looks like a verb but acts as an adjective. A participle is used to describe other words in a sentence.

Dangling participles are writing faux pas. They are often humorous without intending to be, but can be both confusing and annoying when trying to convey a message. In order to avoid dangling participles in your writing, be specific. Avoid generalizations.

Two examples of generalizations are “there is”, and “it”. Make sure a noun or verb is in the sentence for the participle to clearly modify. A modifier is a word or group of words that describe other words in a sentence.

Whew! Let’s see now, dangling participles, verbs, adjectives, modifiers, there’s a lot to think about. Let’s have fun with dangling participles and their sometimes humorous, but confusing messages.

Incorrect: Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. (Is the dangling participle writing carefully?)
Correct: While you are carefully writing, avoid dangling participles.

Incorrect: Flitting from flower to flower, the baseball player watched the bee. (I don’t think the baseball player is flitting from flower to flower, but you never know.)
Correct: The baseball player watched the bee flitting from flower to flower.

Incorrect: After being cracked open, the cook boiled the egg. (Oh, oh violence in the kitchen! I hope the cook wasn’t cracked open before the egg was boiled.)
Correct: The cook boiled the egg after it was cracked open.

Incorrect: Leaping off the cliff, I saw the mountain goat land safely 20 feet below me. (Look out below; the goat and I are on our way down!)
Correct: Leaping off the cliff, the mountain goat landed safely 20 feet below me.

So, folks, a dangling participle is not some kinky physical problem. It is a grammar problem. When writing, make your communication clear.

Always remember never to eat chocolate-chip, fudge brownie, chocolate ice cream and green olives before going to bed. I not only have a problem with dangling participles, I have a stomachache.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Horse Pucky Award of the Week #1

I wasn't going to do this, but I have to. It just seems so appropriate. The Horse Pucky Award of the Week goes to Don H. Twietmeyer, Esq., CPA; Chairman, Board of Directors; Rochester General Hospital Foundation. If his title wasn't so long, maybe he could get his head out of his you-know-what long enough to realize what a huge blunder he made.

Mr. Twietmeyer is being sent the Horse Pucky Award of the week for his insensitive letter sent to my deceased husband requesting a donation to the Rochester General Hospital Foundation.

Last year, over $2000 was donated to the Rochester General Hospital Lipsom Cancer Center in memory of my husband,Tom. Thoughtless letters like this make me wonder if the corporate right hand even knows it has a left hand.

Rochester General Hospital was wonderful in treating Tom through his difficult illness. As a result, I expected more from them. I was wrong. Their biggest mistake was partnering with a fundraising firm out of Henderson, Nevada called IDC. These firms have about as much sensitivity as a brillo pad on a baby's butt.

If RGH has to do fundraising at all, how about hiring a local fundraising firm to keep the money in Rochester, where it can go back into our community.

Because IDC is in Nevada, the percentage they make off this fundraising campaign goes into their back pocket. They don't have to pay taxes in Nevada. The money is probably siphoned off into some account in the Caribbean where it goes to fund drug trafficking.

I won't be sending two cents to Rochester General Hospital unless I give directly to the Lipsom Cancer Center. The bag of horse pucky is ready, Mr. Twietmeyer! What's your address?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Horse Pucky and Politics

Horse pucky and politics are one in the same. Notice which picture is larger. There's a reason for that!

I am so sick of the political scene. I voted for Obama. So what! It's the same old horse pucky, different day. Yeah, I like Barrack, but I'd like it a whole lot better if he'd get up and say, "I can't really change anything. That's up to you. What I can do is clean house."

Stimulus package my lilly white butt. I'll give 'em a stimulus package. I have an electric wok. I'll just take the metal rod that plugs into the wok and stick it where the sun don't shine. Then I'll take the electric cord attached to the rod and plug that into the electrical outlet. Could turn into an interesting outcome.

Granted, we need to do something, but how about doing something that's right. Sometimes doing nothing for a while, so issues can be intelligently thought out, seems the right thing to do. I guess the operative word there is intelligent.

I'm telling you, politicians are all in this together. It's a conspiracy against the American people. At the end of their terms in office they retire with full pay and benefits at our expense. Who else can do that?

It's more horse pucky as usual!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

Life got really exciting for a while. I thought I had struck gold...literally. I was on the way to a huge fortune.

I was rummaging through an old jewelry box and came across a $20 gold coin with a liberty head on one side and an eagle on the other. It was dated 1795. My mother gave it to me 14 years ago. She told me it was real gold and to take good care of it. I usually don't listen to my mother, but this time I did. I tucked the cold coin safely away in my old jewelry box so nothing would happen to it.

Back to the rummaging. I pulled out the coin and thought, 'Man, this has to be really valuable. It's been hanging around the house for 14 years and has a date stamp of 1795.' My heart skipped several beats. Again I thought, 'With the economy being in first gear, and my stocks taking a nosedive, along with my 401K plan, I can really use the money.'

I started to research the value of my coin and found that some rare coins dating back to the 1800's were worth close to $1,000,000. Since my gold coin was dated 1795 it had to be really rare and worth at least $2,000,000.

My mind started to race, along with my heart. I already had big plans for that two million dollars. Then I got hit with a big dose of reality. Additional research showed there were no gold coins minted before 1800. Further research brought me to a screeching halt. It turns out my 1795 coin is a commemorative piece that was manufactured to celebrate the U.S. bicentennial in 1995. It has gold metallic plating over copper. It's total value...maybe $20.

For those of you who were going to be part of my $2M bonanza, you'll just have to wait until I win the lottery. Then again, maybe I can cash my "gold" coin in and we can all go to McDonald's.

Just remember that old proverb, "All that glitters is not gold." Except the golden arches of McD's.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Blue Hair and Bad Driving

It happened again! I was driving along, minding my own business, when someone in front of me with blue hair swerved across two lanes of traffic to make a right hand turn, missng me by a frog's hair. I never noticed the make of car; only the fact that the driver had blue hair.

We all know blue hair means one thing...little old ladies who don't see very well. I'm telling you, I think those blue haired grannies have magic powers. They always manage to miss hitting other vehicles while motoring along, but they're oblivious to the 20 car pile-up they just caused.

What's even more intriguing is the fact they all have blue hair. I think they must go to the same hair dresser while planning their attack during rush hour traffic.

I've learned two things through my harrowing blue hair experiences. One: When I see a driver with blue hair, I take another route. Two: I realize, at 65, I've fallen into little old lady status myself. I just don't have blue hair. I use L'Oreal.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Freezing Your Patooties Off

You've gotta be kidding me! It was 25 degrees outside when this picture was taken. Are these folks really going for a dip in Lake Ontario? Yup, they sure are.

It's cool and zany fun for an excellent cause!

In Rochester, NY we call this the Polar Bear Plunge. It has become one of the most exciting winter events in these parts since we stole Alaska from the Eskimos.

How dare you say we're crazy here in upstate NY! We just get a little cabin fever this time of year and happen to be passionate about special causes. The Polar Bear Plunge at Ontario Beach Park benefits the New York Special Olympics. It's one of our premier fundraising events.

The Polar Bear Plunge has become an annual part of the Lakeside Winter Celebration at Ontario Beach park in Charlotte. People can make a day of it and enjoy all the festival has to offer! For those of you who live in warmer climates, pack up your suitcase and come enjoy the festivities. I'll supply you with hot cocoa, hot toddies, and long underwear.

There are many ways to become involved with the Polar Bear Plunge each year and years to come. Desired opportunities exist for sponsoring, volunteering, and of course plunging!

If you're interested, let me know. You can be a plunger and I'll be a sponsor. You're right, I know I'm a wimp. I like to keep my patooties warm.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

C'est L'Amour

An original valentine poem and a dozen long stemmed red roses just for you:

Life is good;

I sure am lucky.

You're the best,

and that's no pucky.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Friday, February 13, 2009

New Blook Promotion

In case you were actually paying attention, the word "blook" in the title of this blog is not misspelled.

A "blook" is a cross between a blog and a book. In this case it's a compilation of some of the funniest blog posts I've ever read.

In addition to it being a very clever idea, it's one of the most humorous books...er...blooks on the market. Bob Crane's down home humor and dazzling wit make this a must read for everyone.

Cranelegs Pond, the blook can be purchased in email format for only $3.99, for now, as an introductory offer for Bob's many fans. It's going to be published soon, so I suggest you get the email version asap.

For those of you who are last minute Valentine's Day shoppers, this would make a great gift for your sweetie. You can read it together and share a few guffaws.

Be sure you download the email version of Cranelegs Pond, the Blook at http://www.cranelegspond.blogspot.com/ before it goes to publication. I promise it'll be one of the most enjoyable reading experiences you've had in a long time. And that ain't no horse pucky!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Toasted Hearts Equal Amour

Another fun Valentine surprise for your honey is toast stamped with hearts that say "I love you" to go along with the heart shaped eggs you serve.

It's sure to stir up some passionate feelings.

The best part is you can use both items, the heart shaped egg mold and heart stamp, any time you feel the urge to be romantic. Check out the last post to see the egg mold.

Another amorous find from http://www.wonderfullywacky.com/

Show the love of your life how much they're appreciated. You'll be glad you did.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Valentine Breakfast in Bed

Serve your sweetie breakfast in bed with a heart shaped egg on toast. You can even buy a heart stamp to imprint on the toast.

Pictured is a heart shaped mold that will turn an ordinary egg into a romantic bit of morning magic. You can purchase it at http://www.wonderfullywacky.com/

There'll be a lot of ooing and ahing as your honey compliments you on your creative genius.

Stay tuned for more unique valentine ideas.

By the way, if you're not that romantic, and prefer a gag gift, I can sell you a bag of horse pucky in a green and tan plaid gift bag for $7.50, which includes shipping. Believe it or not, I've already sold 11 bags for Valentine's Day. I sure hope the recipients have a sense of humor.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Trivial But Amusing Historic Events

I love trivia. While reading various books on various subjects over varying periods of time, I always come across some interesting tidbits of information…trivial food for thought, all of which make me wonder things such as, how, what, when, where, why, and what if.

Did you know that in:

· 50 A.D. the Romans invented soap? How did they stay clean before that…or did they?

· 453 A.D. Attila the Hun died from a nosebleed on his wedding night? His wife must have been something. I wonder what she looked like?

· 700 A.D. the Chinese invented the brassiere? I’ve spent most of my life putting them on and taking them off. What a nuisance! Good thing I like Chinese food or I'd be hanging on to a huge resentment.

· 1094 gondolas appeared in Venice? Probably because the senior citizens of Venice were finding it more difficult to swim from neighbor to neighbor.

· 1904 a woman was arrested in New York for smoking in public? I wonder what she was smoking. We've come a long way, baby!

It’s fun to jot down trivial, historic events. I get most of them from the newspaper, old textbooks, and a few old friends...some of whom are historical relics themselves.

All types of unique, historic information always conjure up more questions in my mind, which sends me to the archives to do more research, resulting in more writing opportunities and further occasion to spread more horse pucky.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Which Do You Prefer: A Gherkin or a Tomato?

Just when I think I've heard everything, someone comes up with something that blows my cork.

There are some gherkin groupie protesters lamenting the fact that Heinz changed their 100-year-old-plus logo on the ketchup bottle from a gherkin to a tomato. Heinz's other products, such as mustard, vinegar, and chili sauce still has the gherkin logo on the label.

My first thought was, 'what a bunch of boniaks forming a protesters group over a simple logo change. They really need to get a life.' Then I got to thinking, which in my case can be trouble.

First of all logic tells me that the picture of a tomato should be on a bottle of ketchup, since the main ingredient in ketchup is tomatoes. Second, whenever I have a hot dog I put mustard on it, then I grab a pickle to go with it, usually a gherkin.

In keeping with that thinking, the gherkin should go on the jar of mustard, the tomato on the bottle of ketchup.

To tell you the truth, I never really noticed the gherkin/tomato logo anyway. Interesting how it made front page news in USA Today.

It's more horse pucky as usual. Some people just don't have enough to do.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Human Polar Bears

In case you think we've lost our minds, we haven't. Of course, that's open for debate.

My friend Margie (on the left), who is also my neighbor, and I are enjoying a heat wave...28 degrees. We thought we'd celebrate by shoveling snow in shorts and a tee shirt.

It was 20 degrees below zero the day before this picture was taken. Within 12 hours the weather was a "balmy" 28 degrees. Think about it. That's a 48 degree increase in temperature practically overnight. It kinda' made us a bit "balmy".

We were on a roll and decided to clear the sidewalk. While we were at it we removed snow off of everyone's front porch. I'm sure the neighbors appreciated a clear path to their front door when they got home.

We had lots of laughs, got some exercise, and enjoyed the warmth of our homes when we finally decided to go inside. It made me appreciate the simple things in life...like heat.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

More Valentine Horse Pucky

Since we mentioned Bridegrooms Anonymous in yesterday's post, it's only fair to include Brides Anonymous to level out the playing field. Never let it be said that I am gender biased. It's important that I vent my curmudgeonly valentine thoughts in the spirit of equal rights.

Whenever a woman wants to get married, Brides Anonymous sends over a man with a too-tight tee shirt stretched over an excessively large belly. Attached to his belt loop is a six-pack of cheap beer as he proceeds to languish on your damask sofa, feet up on your antique coffee table, watching (what else) football. An occasional belch is the only means of communication. Who needs it?!

So ladies, when the marriage mood strikes the first thing you need to do is call Brides Anonymous. After Mr. Tacky leaves, grab a nice glass of wine, light a few candles around the house, pop some popcorn, and be thankful you are single.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue. Who Cares?!

Now that Valentine's Day is coming, I decided to write my usual curmudgeonly valentine thoughts. Fair warning to any of you who follow my blog. And for those who don't...tough noogies.

Is your barn/house cat your real significant other? Are you tired of all the delusions about love sweet love? Do lacy valentines make you want to run to the liquor cabinet? I can answer "yes" to all three of these questions. So, let's get straight to the heart of the matter. Valentine's Day is more fun spent in the barn shoveling horse pucky.

In my opinion the only ties that bind are made of either baling twine or barbed wire. The reality of it all is; it's easier to stay single. I know a gentleman who belongs to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever he feels like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn his toast for him.

I just realized it's 1:20 a.m. I need to get my beauty rest. Tomorrow I'll continue this Valentine saga.

Monday, January 12, 2009

How to Please Your Sweetie on Valentine's Day

Listen up guys! I hate to be a nag, but Valentine's Day is just around the corner. I have some great ideas that will please your sweetie on February 14th:

1. Go to the local 7-11 and buy a six-pack of your favorite beer to share with your spouse/significant other. Don't forget a couple of straws.

2. Take her ice fishing. She has to supply the bait. Worms are good. If the ground is too cold to dig for worms, your local bait shop has them pre-packaged and all warmed up.

3. Invite her to an indoor tractor pull and then take her to McDonald's for dinner. The smell of diesel fuel, the sound of roaring engines, and the taste of greasy food will really turn her on.

Did you think I was serious? Well sort of. But really, send your sweetie a floral arrangement with her birth flower as part of the bouquet. Then make reservations at a B&B (bed and breakfast) in a scenic area, in the country for the weekend. Make sure the B&B has a bottle of champagne and a box of her favorite chocolates on a table in your room. In addition, make reservations for dinner at a four-star restaurant in the area.

The weekend will be relaxing and enjoyable for both of you. When you get home, the flowers will be there to remind you both of the great relationship you have.

Congratulations, you just made a happy memory. Happy Valentine's Day!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Bloopers: Election or Erection

I love bloopers. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who makes grammatical errors...and sends them out. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. "We pray for MacArthur's erection." - sign constructed by Japanese citizens in Tokyo when MacArthur was considering a run for President.

Uh oh! Watch out for those "l"s and "r"s. It can change the whole translation!

2. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history...this century's history...we all lived in this century...I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle

Good grief! I wonder who wrote his speech!

Radio bloopers:

3. "When you are thirsty, try 7-UP, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after."

Where's the rest room?

4. "Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration."

Oops! Must have been a before-sunrise broadcast.

You may want to think about editing and speech writing for a living. There is certainly a need for it.