Monday, November 29, 2010

Fa-La-La-La-La,La-La,La OOPS!

Christmas carols were playing, there was a dusting of snow on the small patch of green grass in front of my townhouse, and Jon and I were putting up holiday decorations. Sounds lovely, huh?

The two wreaths, one on the front door and one on the back door, were a piece of cake to put up because we just used wreath hangers. Things got tricky when we started to hang the remaining two wreaths on the upstairs bedroom windows. 

First we removed the screens. We discovered wreath hangers don't fit over the bedroom windows. The next thing I did was grab my handy tackle box with the fishing line in it because fishing line is very strong  for hanging wreaths and it's invisible.

After a few attempts, Jon placed the first wreath exactly where I wanted it. Then I discovered it was about 3/4 of an inch off center. He moved it willingly. After about 35 tries, he wasn't so willing any more. In fact I was very leary standing in front of the open window.  

Fa-la-la-la-la turned into that other "F" word that is not exactly Christmas carol friendly. After several frustrating attempts, we finally found success, looked at one another and burst out laughing. The townhouse looks festive, the wreaths are only 1/16 of an inch off center, and we're in the process of writing a new Christmas carol.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hospital Food

Last week was pretty scary. I ended up in the emergency room with severe abdominal pain and chest pressure. Everyone thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was major heartburn. The medical cardio team decided to keep me overnight for observation...just in case.

By 8:00 the following morning I was famished because I wasn't allowed to eat anything except a couple of graham crackers. Fifteen hours with little nourishment, except water, I figured even hospital food would taste good. I was really looking forward to a healthy, tasty breakfast.

At 8:15 a.m. a very sweet young lady brought me a tray with a covered dish, some tropical fruit in a plastic cup, coffee, milk, and fake butter. Oh yeah, and simulated maple syrup which oozed out of the container rather than poured, like real maple syrup. The fruit looked good. It was colorful with perfect squares of pineapple, watermelon, and I'm not sure what else. My first clue of what I was in for were the perfect squares of fruit. Fruit doesn't grow in perfect squares. 

I tried gently piercing one of the fruit squares, and ended up having to repeatledy stab each square multiple times before I could get the fruit on my fork. I thought, 'This is ridiculous!' So I used my fingers. The fruit was so tough and tasteless, I couldn't eat it.

My next attempt for sustenance, was to lift the green plastic cover off the plate on my tray. I discovered two soggy pancakes I could have used as paper weights. Next to the pancakes was a remote resemblance to a sausage patty. It was unlike any sausage patty I've ever seen in my whole life. In fact, in could have been the remote, except it was the size of a flattend golf ball, complete with dimples, with hues of gray. The first thing I did was sniff the patty. It sorta smelled like a sausage patty. The next thing I did was take a small bite. It sure didn't taste like a sausage patty. I think I know what happened to the golf balls I hit out of bounds this summer. And they call this a heart-healthy breakfast?

Over an 18 hour period of time I had two graham crackers, two bites of a soggy pancake and a carton of milk. I was getting a little cranky. At this point in time, the medical team decided to discharge me, which was very smart on their part.

On the way home from the hospital I remembered my mother's words: "Be sure to wear clean underwear every day, and be sure everything matches, because you never know when you have to go to the hospital." She never said to pack a bag lunch.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Usually In Trouble

When I was three, I remember a Steinway baby grand piano in the living room my mother used to play. It was a beautiful piano. This is where the trouble started.

Mom's first mistake was leaving me beside her, on the floor, with nothing to do. I toddled off and found my favorite, cuddly rag doll with the yellow yarn hair. I also found a box of wooden matches. The next thing I knew, I was in big trouble. Busy three year old girls, yellow-yarn-hair rag dolls, wooden matches, and baby grand pianos don't mix. I lit the doll's hair on fire, felt the heat, and managed to toss the hot, flaming-haired doll into the upright baby grand. I remember this well. My butt still hurts from the spanking I got.

It was the first of many spankings. I was usually in trouble due to my curious, adventuresome spirit. OR because I was in  the wrong place at the wrong time. OR because I got caught.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Tip of the Day

Horse Pucky tip of the day: When you're in Key West, don't drop the soap. Or at least don't bend over to pick it up.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Church Bulletin Bloopers

After church I always pick up the parish bulletin to see what's going on in our community. The wonderful ladies in our church, who put the bulletin together, are usually very accurate in their reporting and keyboarding, but every once in a while they make typographical boo-boos and/or grammatical errors. 

Here are a few bloopers that made me laugh:

1. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of the things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

2. The sermon this morning, 'Jesus Walks on Water'. The sermon this evening, 'Searching for Jesus'.

3. A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

4. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

5. Potluck supper this Sunday at 5:30 pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

6. This evening at 7:00 pm there will be a hymn singing at the park across from the church. Bring your blankets and come prepared to sin.

7. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Parish would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

8. The associate pastor has a new fund raising slogan: 'I upped my campaign pledge, so up yours.'

Again, anyone who writes anything, be sure to PROOFREAD!