Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Gravestones and the Ten Commandments

There comes a time in a persons life when s/he has to deal with the unpleasantries, but also the necessities of death such as ordering a gravestone for a deceased loved one. It gets even more complicated when you've been married more than once or are comtemplating getting married again. I was thinking, 'Who gets buried with whom?'

Then there are other matters to consider. Gravestones or headstones come in all sizes, shapes, colors, and prices. You can be somewhat creative in the wording that goes on a headstone, but not too "wordy". So, I got to thinking some more.

'You can't exactly write the first amendment on the headstone of a journalist.' In fact, if you etch too many words in stone, you'd need a four foot high by three foot wide monument stone. Using those dimensions, it would cost about $30,000 for the stone and at least another $20,000 for the copywriting service. I could start a whole new sideline. Then I got to thinking again.

I thought about Moses and the Ten Commandments. Too bad God couldn't have come up with something less cumbersome than stone. What did Moses do when he had to write bar mitzvah invitations? Those stone tablets can get pretty heavy. The cost of postage must've been outrageous.

I'm done thinking about gravestones. I always think about the Ten Commandments because they keep me out of trouble. Except for one thing. I may be in a peck of trouble for doubting God, because I wonder why God didn't come up with something like papyrus instead of stone for Moses. He probably did. He decided, in His Godly Wisdom, to see if the Egyptians and the Hebrews could pool their God-given talent and figure it out for themselves.

It's now the 21st century and they can't even figure out how to live in peace. That should give us all something to think about.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Washington Weasels

The Washington Weasels is NOT a sports team. It's not even a team at all. It's a group of loosy goosy government bureaucrats whose main purpose in life is to see how much money than can extract from the people who voted them into office in the first place.

On the other hand, The Washington Weasels could be a great name for a baseball team. Our commander-in chief could be the pitcher, while our VP could be catcher. Instead of throwing and catching a baseball, they could continue throwing and catching horse pucky.

General McChrystal is perfect as centerfielder. That's what he does in Afghanistan. The poor man has been in battle so long, he thinks he's part of the Afghan culture, coupled with having loose lips.

Since 1862 our taxes continue to rise. It doesn't matter who's been in office or what Party our U.S. President has been affiliated with. They are all dependent on taxpayers for whatever ails them, our country, or other countries.

Do you realize, in 2010 our individual local, state, and federal taxes will be more than food, clothing, and shelter!? I'm really happy I know someone who drives a sixteen wheeler. He'll be happy to dump a 100 tons of horse pucky on the steps of the White House.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Horsie Delights

Horsie Delights started out as a joke.

My good friend, Carla and I were having lunch together. I met Carla 20 years ago when I was a manufacturers rep and she was a purchasing agent at one of my accounts. We've been close friends ever since. She always said I could sell anything. Between bites of sandwiches and sips of iced tea, she bet me I could sell horse pucky. I said, "Your'e on!" (Horse poop chat during lunch is only reserved for close friends.)

Together we came up with the name Horsie Delights, along with the packaging design, marketing ideas, and our unique patented dehydrating process.

Through three months of time, testing, and research (and equal amounts of laughter), we found the perfect 100% organic plant food. I use it on all my plants, both inside and outside. The blossoms on all my plants are huge and the foliage is lush green. My plants are not bothered by insects, mold, mildew, or fungus.

As I mentioned before, Horsie Delights started out as a joke. They were first introduced at a craft show four years ago. People started buying horse pucky gift bags as gag gifts for bachelor parties, wedding showers, anniversaries, bosses day, or any situation where someone needs a good rib. Currently there are a couple of garden stores in the area who carry them, both for organic as well as whimsical reasons.

Horsie Delights is a lot of fun. There's always a creative way to earn a few bucks. The point is: You can sell anything if it's marketed well, including horse shit.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Sex Pills

I gotta tell you, if I get one more email pushing sex pills, I'm gonna SCREAM! The emails are telling me I can get the pills at an 80% discount from somewhere in East Slobvia. Don't people have anything better to do than send out those stupid emails?! It's probably Dick Cheney who's doing it.

Next time, and it'll probably be tomorrow because I get those blasted emails every day, I'm going to reply with an interesting return email. I may even call Andy Rooney.

My next action plan will be to send the sex pill perpetrator a bag of horse pucky.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Look Alike Contest

Sloppy Joe's 30th annual Papa Look-Alike Contest takes place in Key West, Florida on July 22 - 24, 2010. For those of you who have a striking resemblance to Ernest Hemingway, I strongly suggest going down there for a rousing good time and some great publicity. Sloppy Joe's was Ernie's favorite hangout when he was between wives and novels.

It's big business for doctors during the end of July. Think about it. Observing more than 100 Ernest Hemingways running around Duvall Street in Key West is enough to send most people to some sort of doctor. I'd probably opt for the Ophthalmologist.

For those interested in preserving the memory of Ernest Hemingway, having a rip roaring good time, enjoying the social camaraderie of Key West, and possibly winning a look alike contest, check out Sloppy Joe's website for further details.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Horse Pucky Award of the Week: RG&E

The Horse Pucky Award of the Week goes to the Rochester Gas and Electric Company, unaffectionately referred to as RG&E. That's how I make out my checks each month; payable to RG&E. Over the years I think my gas and electricity usage has added up to a bazillion dollars and change. But, that's not the reason for this blog post. There's another more sinister reason.

RG&E is actually trying to collect $149 from my friend, Jennifer's deceased father, who died on April 9th of this year. They actually sent him to collections knowing he is among the dearly departed. Can you imagine! That puts a whole new meaning into low down, tacky, and just plain greedy. It's difficult enough when you lose someone you love without having to put up with that kind of horse pucky.

Jennifer called me today because I'm known as the pit bull. When it comes to justice and rights in this uncompassionate system we have to deal with, I'll fight to the end. The long and short of it is, RG&E will be getting a call from our state attorney general's office. Companies don't like that. They have to fill out 65 pages of paper work, in addition to a $3,000 to $5,000 fine if they're found in violation of ethics. It'll cost the weenies more than $149.

I was going to send them a bag of horse pucky, but I think I'll save it for the person who made a mistake on my bill last month. I was overcharged $120, but not for long.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Kink In His Dink

"Focus on safety like a laser," says Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Yeah, right! Safety??? I think he has a kink in his dink.

Good luck trying to stop an oil leak of this magnitude! It's like trying to put a nozzle on the end of a garden hose when you have the water turned on full blast.

As far as the garden hose is concerned, there's a solution. This is what I do. First, I kink the hose with my left hand to stop the water. Next, I continue to hold the kinked hose with the last three fingers on my left hand while steadying it with my thumb and forefinger. At the same time, I put the nozzle on the hose using all five fingers on my right hand. If you've followed this so far, it's really an engineering fete accompliss.

For those of you who need your dink unkinked or your hose kinked, promise me you won't call BP. I'm sure they'll have no clue what you're talking about. On second thought you can call BP Houston; 281.366.2000 and ask for Dick Cheney.

There's definitely some serious "kinking" or "unkinking" that needs to be done, pdq, in order to save our planet. Meanwhile, Tony Howard and his crew of mud engineers along with Dick Cheney, will be getting a bag of horse pucky this week. Hopefully they'll know what to do with it.