Monday, July 26, 2010

Old Coot Status

Now that I'm between 65 and 70, I've been wondering when I officially become an old coot. I decided to do some serious observing along with some really deep thinking. As a result of my in-depth vigilance and intelligent contemplation, I concluded that the next ten items are what is necessary in order to achieve old coot status.

1. Hair that grows everywhere but on top of your head.
2. Excessive burping, belching, and general passing of public.
3. Claims of being 39 when your're really 70.
4. Cussing at thoughtless drivers and then tailgating them for at least two miles.
5. Saying, "This service really sucks!!!", at a five star restaurant so everyone, including people eating on the patio, can hear you loud and clear.
6. Making jokes at a funeral.
7. Repeating yourself for hours to make a point.
8. Talking about the good old days even when the "good old days" weren't that great.
9. Always thinking your way is the best way.
10. Telling everyone who doesn't agree you, they are full of horse pucky.

I hate to admit it, but I'm privileged to say, I'm almost an old coot; not entirely, but I'm working on it.

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Female Perspective on the Male Point of View

Why is it men's eye glaze over when women want to go somewhere culturally the art gallery?

Then there's the audible groan heard 'round the world when a healthy but tasty meal is suggested. This isn't a water and yogurt meal; it's a meal suggestion consisting of grilled chicken, fresh green beans, and a nice salad with fresh-from-the-garden cukes, tomatoes, onions and assorted greens with a nice raspberry sorbet for dessert.

Generally, men would rather watch a blood and guts hockey game, preferably with someone getting their teeth knocked out, followed by, or included with, a pork hot dog with everything on it, greasy french fries and a cold, but soon to be warm, beer. The thought of blood, loose teeth, hot dogs, and warm beer makes my stomach want to do flip flops.

My favorite is the innocent, but thoughtless remark. "If you lose weight, I'll buy you a nice dress for the wedding in two months. Not that you're fat or anything, but you'd look really HOT if you lost about ten pounds. Or maybe not. You're really beautiful just the way you are. Actually, you're really beautiful." Of course, by this time, it's too late to save the male end of this conversation.

There you have it. Men really are from Mars. I'm not too sure where women are from. We're just different.

Do Nothing or Just Do It

It's no great surprise that the Republicans are on a campaign to oust the Democrats. The GOP mantra is "Do Nothing" and the Dems will fail on their own. I thought that's what the Republicans have been doing for the last 12 years...nothing. That's why the U.S. National Debt, as of July, 19, 2010 is $13,255,628,453,762.72! That's trillions and change folks!

If it were up to me, I'd put Mike Parker, NIKE CEO in charge of this country. NIKE's tag line is "Just Do It". It's a positive mindset rather than a negative one. Which is probably why their annual revenue is a profitable $19.2 billion.

There you have it. Would you rather have our "do nothing" government with their bad attitude and negative mindset, that generates debt in the trillions of dollars, or the "Just Do It" mentality of people who give a damn and get the job done? I know who I'd rather have running our country.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Once upon a time, according to folk lore, an attractive female could kiss a frog and he would turn into a handsome prince. Not anymore.

A study was done at the University of California, Berkley, in March of this year, and it was discovered that frogs starting life as male tadpoles were changed into females by an estrogen-like pollutant similar to estrogen, called astrazine. Now, there's a twist to the an old fairy tale! No more handsome prince. Instead we're getting amphibious princesses.

Astrazine is one of many chemicals used in pest control. I'm talking about insect pests, not man pests, for those of you who are wondering. You've got to admit, it's kinda scary. Before you know it, the whole world will be comprised of (e-gads) nothing but girls.

Be careful all you guys out there. With all the pesticides used today, you never know when a gender change may occur. One day you'll be walking down the street with your XY chromosomes intact, the next day...POOF you're a girl!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Hot Weather, Spiders, and Bear

If you look carefully you'll see Bear peeking out from behind the overgrown dish garden on my dresser. He's a mighty hunter.

Most days you'll find him outdside catching mice, weasels, rabbits, birds, and squirrels. Not today. It's 96 degrees in the shade.

Bear decided to stay inside where the air conditioner is cranking out a comfortable 75 degrees. By being inside, his choice of carnivorous tidbits is limited to spiders, an occassional fly that made the mistake of meandering in for some cool air, and a couple of pesky ants I thought were kaput for the summer.

My feline pal is not getting enough outside time. How do I know? He tried attacking my feet while I was writing today. He did some gnawing on the house plants. He even shredded some papers I had on the floor to file. To put it bluntly, he's a wild man. Bear's in "time out" right now so I can compose this blog post. Time out for him means lounging on top of the bed with a handful of treats. So, don't feel too sorry for him.

After Bear cleans up all the spiders, I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope it cools off soon.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

More Horse Pucky

Just for the fun of it, I decided to check my spam folder. I found a good one. It's a different take, on a familiar scam. This also goes along with yesterdays blog on gravestones.

It seems that I've won $40,000,000 U.S. dollars from International Monetary Funds (IMF) in Nigeria. The only problem is, it's been four months since I responded, so they are sending the money to my next of kin, Mr. Kennedy Franklin, who told the IMF that I "died in a car accident last four months back." The IMF is requesting an immediate response from me to make sure I'm still alive. Of course, they are asking for all sorts of personal info. The email was sent from Mr. Ademola Johnson, IMF. What bunch of horse pucky!

Happy trails!