Telltale Bubbles

Some days I can get away with everything, other days I can get away with some things, but most days I can't get away with anything. 

Last weekend I was swimming in the middle of Seneca Lake, surrounded by family and friends when all of a sudden the only thing surrounding me were thousands of bubbles. Everyone pointed my way, laughed, and left the premises, which is not an easy task when you're in the middle of a long, deep lake. In fact, Seneca Lake is the longest, deepest Finger Lake in upstate NY. It is 38 miles long, and 838 feet deep with a mean depth of 291 feet.

There you have it. Nothing is sacred, even in 300 feet of water. Those telltale bubbles have made me the laughing stock of the family for years to come. I'll never hear the end of it. My new nickname is...BUBBLES.

Fried Eggs on Asphalt

Before

After

Scorching is the word for the day. It's 95 degrees in the shade. It's so hot in Rochester, NY today, you can fry an egg on the asphalt.

Hey, ya know what? I think I'll go outside and try that fried egg thing and see what happens. I've been hearing "It's-so-hot-you-can-fry-an-egg-on-asphalt" for years now. I'm gonna go outside and see if it really works. Be right back.

Guess what? It doesn't work. I cracked an egg on the hot asphalt, then went to weed and water the garden for 30 minutes. When I came back to look at the egg, all it did is run into the cracks in the driveway with no evidence of frying anywhere, even though the air temp is 96 degrees.

There are a couple of facts here. First of all I won't be getting the Nobel Prize for best science experiment this year. Second don't believe everything your grandmother tells you about hot summers and being able to fry eggs on asphalt. It's a lot of horse pucky.

To make matters worse, I used up my last egg for that numb skull experiment; now I can't make banana bread tonight. Oh yeah, and I had to clean the driveway.

Hot Weather, Spiders, and Bear

If you look carefully you'll see Bear peeking out from behind the overgrown dish garden on my dresser. He's a mighty hunter.

Most days you'll find him outdside catching mice, weasels, rabbits, birds, and squirrels. Not today. It's 96 degrees in the shade.

Bear decided to stay inside where the air conditioner is cranking out a comfortable 75 degrees. By being inside, his choice of carnivorous tidbits is limited to spiders, an occassional fly that made the mistake of meandering in for some cool air, and a couple of pesky ants I thought were kaput for the summer.

My feline pal is not getting enough outside time. How do I know? He tried attacking my feet while I was writing today. He did some gnawing on the house plants. He even shredded some papers I had on the floor to file. To put it bluntly, he's a wild man. Bear's in "time out" right now so I can compose this blog post. Time out for him means lounging on top of the bed with a handful of treats. So, don't feel too sorry for him.

After Bear cleans up all the spiders, I don't know what I'm going to do. I hope it cools off soon.

The Miracle Swimsuit

Jon and I are leaving on a ten day vacation to West Palm Beach, Boynton Beach, and Key West to visit my family and celebrate my mother's 91st birthday. The biggest problem in dealing with this trip is the fact that I need a new bathing suit. The one I currenly have is about 15 years old. The good news is: It still fits. The bad news is: It still fits because it has stretched along with my various body parts.

To make a long story short, I went shopping for a bathing suit over the weekend. Mistake number one was taking Jon with me. We were going through the rack of new, one-piece bathing suits at TJ Max. Jon came across a suit with a tag that read, "Miracle Suit. Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds." He innocently said, "Here you go honey, go try this one on." I gave him the one finger salute and told him I was going to wear my stretched out bathing suit with a tee shirt over the top. His comment was, "Oops!"

Mistake number two was trying on various styles of suits. I realize there are many I just can't wear anymore. I tried on one of those ladies racing Speedos I used to wear in high school, when I was on the swim team, 50 years ago. Pouches of beyond-middle-age flab scooshed out between the racing straps in the back. I told my daughter about it and she said, "Hey, Mom, just think, you've got a built-in flotation device."

The whole experience was like trying to stuff 10 pounds of horse pucky into a five pound bag. On top of it all, it happened on Mother's Day. After hearing my bathing suit story, everyone had a good laugh at my expense, including me. I rode the horses Sunday, had an elegant meal cooked by my very thoughtful son-in-law, got lots of hugs from my grandchildren, and decided that the Miracle Suit should be on Fibomercials and Scams.

In closing, I think this 67 year old body needs more than a miracle.

Out of the Moment Retreat

Jon and I figured out a warm, sunny place to start a business. Our plan is to build a modest retreat called Out of the Moment in a remote location in Mexico. It's a perfect spot with all sorts of exciting activities, especially for those of us who don't know how to stay in the moment.

One of our featured, outdoor sports will include surfing, which will take place just outside your rented grass hut, located in a sequestered Mexican seaside area. As our guest, you'll be at one with nature as you commune with all that is real.

Surfing in our secluded beach area is an adventure you'll never forget. It'll blow your mind! We promise.

Tomorrow we'll show you more Out Of The Moment Retreat activities for those who are daredevils at heart, not too bright, or too inebriated to know the difference.

Enjoy!

Tube Steaks and RVs

Yipes! I went from a blog post a day to nothing since June 23rd. All I can say is, life happens.

One Horse Pucky reader thought I went back down to Florida for tube steaks, and another person emailed me and thought I was tied up in an RV park, in no man's land. More on that later.

Just for the record, I was eating tube steaks at home, but not tied up. Many thanks to those of you who were concerned. FYI: Tube steaks are hot dogs where I come from.

Well, I'm back into some sort of a routine now. Life isn't quite so topsy turvy, just topsy. Everyone in the family is healthy, happy, and productive. Horses are full of pep and vigor, Bear cat just shredded the morning paper, and I'm ready to answer calls for my daughter who has a medical practice, but is out of town for the week.

Hopefully none of her patients will die laughing.

How To Beat Stress

Listed below are a few ways I beat stress:

Be grateful.
Always have something interesting to read.
Listen to music.
Pray-meditate-reflect.
Keep it simple.
Keep the house picked up
Drink lots of water.
Eat only when hungry.
If it doesn’t taste great, don’t eat it.
Don’t over-schedule.
Laugh more often. Humor is a definite stress-buster.

These are just a few. Embrace them; they work!

OR drink a bottle of wine with a straw.

Foot in Mouth Embarrassing Moment

I'm in Florida right now. We celebrated my Mom's 90th birthday on Sunday, the 24th. In addition, I met my future son-in-law, Mark for the first time, who flew in from Key West with my daughter, Teri, on Sunday. I'm staying with my son, John who has a new girlfriend, Solidad. My brother, Terry added to the mix of intersting people.

Then it happened. We were talking about getting together in another six months for a cookout. Each person discussed what would be good to cook on the grill. Everything was mentioned except hot dogs. This is where I piped in and said, "You forgot the tube steaks. I love tube steaks." Mark looked at me in disbelief as everyone turned three shades of red and burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at. Mark turned to Teri grinning from ear to ear and said, "Your mother is a wild woman."

John was on his Blackberry, handed it to me and said, "Here's the definition of a tube steak." After reading the definition I yelped, "Are you kidding me! All this time I thought a tube steak meant hot dog. That's what it means in Pennsylvania!"

I'm not going to tell you what tube steak means. Use your imagination or look it up. Be careful what area of the country you use certain words so you don't have a foot-in-mouth embarrassing moment.

P.S. My 90 year old mother thought it was so funny she was checking her 1972 copyrighted dictionary to see if tube steak was in there. It wasn't.

Men and Spandex

I was inspired by a gentleman, who thinks men look great in any kind of bathing suit. Of course I disagree. Read on if you dare.

Men's bathing suits are fairly simple and usually conservative in color. They wear trunks, jams, or Speedos.

In my opinion, swim trunks are most flattering on men, with jams being my second choice. No man, no matter how fit they are, should ever wear a Speedo in public.

I like something left to my imagination...spandex on men doesn't do it...either for them or for me.

My Winter Expansion Program

Take a look at the word spandex. If you change the letters around a little you have the word expands.

There are two reasons bathing suit manufacturers chose the word spandex and continue to use it in their swimsuits.

The first reason takes into consideration the thoughtfulness of the manufacturer…it's to oblige weight fluctuation. As I put on weight over the winter, the spandex accommodates my changing shape. I call it my winter expansion program. Bathing suit manufacturers are well aware of the program and market accordingly, which brings us to reason number two.

Manufacturers are well aware that after prolonged use, especially in a chlorine pool, spandex loses its elasticity. It's not pretty after that. Gravity takes over and everything migrates toward the equator. At that point, it's time for a new bathing suit, which is exactly what the swimsuit manufacturer's plan was all along.

As I continue to age, my winter expansion program and the laws of gravity make spandex a necessary requirement in my swimsuits. The fact is my bikini days are over, folks. I gracefully accept that fact as I look forward to thoroughly enjoying the summer either in or out of a bathing suit. And you can take that any way you want.