Geezer Words

Do you recollect the word dungarees? If you're a baby boomer, like me, you'll remember. Today dungarees are called jeans. How about church keys? We used those to open pry-off caps on beverage bottles. I don't think they have pry-off caps anymore. The only thing I see at the stores are twist-off caps.

My 18-year-old granddaughter, Ivey, was momentarily baffled when I mentioned how much I like listening to old records on my 1968 stereo record player. "Oh yeah...cool", she said, "Now we've got CDs with CD players." Well, guess what, Miss Ivey, I have one of those too.

Instead of saying I have a pair of gym shoes, now I say, "Look, a new pair of Nikes!" (Or whatever brand you prefer.) I remember having a pair of high topped sneakers I wore to gym class. Now I have a pair of bright plaid high tops that Ivey helped me pick out. Some of those styles do come back.

Last, but not least, is the good old typewriter. Egads! I went through a lot of correcting tape and white out b.c. (before computers). It took me hours to write a paper in high school.

It's always fun having conversations with my grandchildren. We have loads of laughs comparing baby boomer geezer words with Generation Y words. Have a great day. Or is it "See ya"?

Paraprosdokian

Every once in a while people try to stump me with a word. A former teaching colleague sent me the word, paraprosdokian. And I was stumped!

The word paraprosdokian isn't in the compact Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary I have sitting on my desk. It's probably in the 50 pound, 20,000 page dictionary I have on the bookshelf, in the basement. Rather than schlepping that 50 pound monster up two flights of stairs, I decided to do an internet search for the word.

Paraprosdokian means: A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a phrase or sentence. According to Wikipedia, it's a Greek word meaning beyond expectation. It's frequently used by humorists, satirists, and comedians for both affect and effect.

Here are some paraprosdokian examples:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (How true!)

2. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. (A great one-liner to throw at your spouse, soulmate, significant other, then watch the sparks fly!)

3. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. (If the truth be known, our pets really train us. In most instances, it's a good idea. )

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" (Sounds like something one of you guys would ask.)

Wish I could take credit for the four paraprosdokians listed here, but I can't, and I have no way of finding out where these came from. My question to all of you: Have any of you ever heard of  paraprosdokian?

It's All In the Name

Names say it all. A lot of names describe the occupation someone is in. For instance, I have a friend who is an anesthesiologist at Rochester General Hospital whose name is Larry Pass. He told me when he retires he wants to open his own gas station and call it Larry Pass's Gas. True story.

Then there are the two doctors who perform vasectomies at Strong Memorial Hospital whose names are...drum roll please...Dr. Stopp and Dr. Cockett. And that ain't no horse pucky. It's very amusing hearing them paged over the hospital speaker system.

There is also a general practioner in the area whose name is Donald Duckles. I want to know what parents, with last name of Duckles, would name their son "Donald". Poor kid. It probably made him a tough guy in the long run.

Anyway, names are fun, can reveal a person's occupation, or are just plain quirky. Take me for example. My last name is Beers. I don't like beer, I don't work in a brewery, and I don't have sixpack abs. But, I'm workin' on the last one.

Moisture Or Oysters

I thought I was over my cold, but apparantly not. My ears are plugged up and my hearing is off.

Case in point is the phone converstion between my daughter Wendy and me today:

Me: Hi, Wendy, How's everybody doing? Is your cold better? Mine is.

Wendy: Everybody's fine and I'm feeling much better. Glad to know you are better. Oh, before I forget, we have moisture in the basement and we're not sure what to do about it.

Me: Oysters in the basement?! You know I love raw oysters. I'll be right over with the coctail sauce.

Wendy: No, Mom. I said moisture. You know, like in damp. I thought you said your cold was better.

Me: Oh...moisture. I'll bring over the dehumidifier instead of the coctail sauce.

At this point, I can picture my daughter rolling her eyes as she completely changes the subject.

Wendy: Let's get our nails done this evening at the new nail spa.

Me: They're serving snails at the spa? I love escargot with garlic and butter.

Wendy: I think you need a nap, and have your ears cleaned out while your at it. I have to go now. Call me when you have your ears roto-rooted.

We finally decided that a dehumidifier for the basement was a good idea, and having our nails done will be a nice treat as soon as our colds are completely gone.

It's All In the Name

There's a relatively new funeral home that opened up down the street and around the corner. It’s called New Comer. The name implies that the deceased is planning on using the facilities again. A better name would be Out Going.

While driving through Buffalo, I noticed another funeral home called Amigone. No kidding! It’s an old family name in the area and is pronounced, “Am I gone?” Ending up in Amigone is about as gone as you’re gonna’ get…no questions asked.

I'd like to know who comes up with these names. Aside from the fact most funeral parlors are named for the family memebers who establish them, couldn't Amigone be changed to something more ethereal. Any suggestions for a new name is welcome.

Is It Tube Steak or Tube Snake Boogie

There seems to be some confusion as to ZZ Top's song Tube Snake Boogie. Some think it's Tube Steak Boogie. You decide.

The American rock trio that formed in 1969 wrote songs that are full of sexual innuendo and humor, so I can understand the mix up. I heard it was originally the Tube Steak Boogie, but had to be changed so it could be aired.

I'm a huge fan of ZZ Top. All these years I thought it was Two Step Boogie. I love to dance to their music and never really listened very carefully to the words. After reading the lyrics online, now I understand why tube snake could be misinterpreted for tube steak, neither of which I knew about until I reached my mid-sixties.

Sometimes being naive is blissful, but the lyrics and music to Tube Snake Boogie is a tad raunchy and just plain fun, appealing to the naughty side of my personalty.

Get down and sing along with the lyrics.

Lyrics to Tube Snake Boogie: Compliments of http://www.lyricsfreak.com/

I got a girl she lives cross town,
Shes the one that really gets down.
When she boogie,
She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie little baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

I got a girl she lives on the block,
She kinda funky with her pink and black socks.
She likes to boogie,
She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie woogie baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

I got a girl, she lives on the hill.
She wont do it but her sister will,
When she boogie,
She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie little baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

Blow your top blow your top blow your top.

Life is too short. Have fun!

Foot in Mouth Embarrassing Moment

I'm in Florida right now. We celebrated my Mom's 90th birthday on Sunday, the 24th. In addition, I met my future son-in-law, Mark for the first time, who flew in from Key West with my daughter, Teri, on Sunday. I'm staying with my son, John who has a new girlfriend, Solidad. My brother, Terry added to the mix of intersting people.

Then it happened. We were talking about getting together in another six months for a cookout. Each person discussed what would be good to cook on the grill. Everything was mentioned except hot dogs. This is where I piped in and said, "You forgot the tube steaks. I love tube steaks." Mark looked at me in disbelief as everyone turned three shades of red and burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at. Mark turned to Teri grinning from ear to ear and said, "Your mother is a wild woman."

John was on his Blackberry, handed it to me and said, "Here's the definition of a tube steak." After reading the definition I yelped, "Are you kidding me! All this time I thought a tube steak meant hot dog. That's what it means in Pennsylvania!"

I'm not going to tell you what tube steak means. Use your imagination or look it up. Be careful what area of the country you use certain words so you don't have a foot-in-mouth embarrassing moment.

P.S. My 90 year old mother thought it was so funny she was checking her 1972 copyrighted dictionary to see if tube steak was in there. It wasn't.

My Winter Expansion Program

Take a look at the word spandex. If you change the letters around a little you have the word expands.

There are two reasons bathing suit manufacturers chose the word spandex and continue to use it in their swimsuits.

The first reason takes into consideration the thoughtfulness of the manufacturer…it's to oblige weight fluctuation. As I put on weight over the winter, the spandex accommodates my changing shape. I call it my winter expansion program. Bathing suit manufacturers are well aware of the program and market accordingly, which brings us to reason number two.

Manufacturers are well aware that after prolonged use, especially in a chlorine pool, spandex loses its elasticity. It's not pretty after that. Gravity takes over and everything migrates toward the equator. At that point, it's time for a new bathing suit, which is exactly what the swimsuit manufacturer's plan was all along.

As I continue to age, my winter expansion program and the laws of gravity make spandex a necessary requirement in my swimsuits. The fact is my bikini days are over, folks. I gracefully accept that fact as I look forward to thoroughly enjoying the summer either in or out of a bathing suit. And you can take that any way you want.

Language Confusion

Ever been to the United Kingdom? Oscar Wilde said, “The Americans are identical to the British in all respects except of course language.” Going there can make for amusing language confusion.

If you go to the UK and tell a Brit that you’ve been watching the boob tube (U.S. television) it would raise a completely wrong image. In the UK, boob tube is a slang term for a tank top or knitted sleeve top. Oops!

Telling a Brit that your daughter just got braces on her teeth, may classify you as a wazzack. Braces mean suspenders in the UK and are used for keeping your pants up. They’ll wonder why your daughter has suspenders on her teeth.

In case you are wondering what wazzack means, I’ll tell you. If you aren’t wondering, I’ll tell you anyway. When the Brits call somebody a wazzack, it’s a friendly way of telling them they are idiots. For example, “Listen you wazzack, don’t you know the difference between braces and suspenders.”

When traveling to other countries, make sure you know what their slang means before you use it. Oh, by the way, horse pucky means horse shit in the UK.

Life is a Dead End

Someone told me I was full of horse pucky the other day. Why? Because I can find humor in just about any situation. I call those situations resurrected moments.

Take today's title post for example. It's a play on words and is also very true. It goes along with the sign to your right, which I think is hilarious.

Lest you think I'm an insensitive dolt, I'm not. My husband died a year and a half ago. He was a great guy with a terrific sense of humor. We melded (that's right, melded, not melted) like grilled cheese on toast, and always enjoyed those resurrected moments together.

So, Im not really full of horse pucky (well, sometimes), I just have fun memories of Tom and all the silly things in life that made us smile.

sign compliments of http://www.purpleslinky.com/

Burma Shave Nostalgia

Remeber those Burma Shave signs? I do. They originated in 1925 and went out of vogue in 1963. Now they're an American icon, with some in the Smithsonian Institute.

The familiar white on red signs, grouped by four, fives and sixes, were as much a part of a family trip as irritating your kid brother in the back seat of the family Studebaker.

At the height of their popularity there were 7,000 signs along America's highways. First you'd read one sign, then another, anticpating the punch line on number five and the familiar Burma-Shave on the sixth.

Those Burma-Shave signs allowed my brother to reach puberty. He used to drive me nuts on trips; poking and punching when my parents weren't looking. Then tattled when I punched back. Of course, I never did anything to him. All I wanted to do was read the Burma-Shave signs.

I used to love reading them along the highway. It was a great way to advertise shaving cream and lotion...and keep me from deep-sixing my brother. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I like advertising so much...and copywriting...and now my brother.

Here's another series of Burma-Shave signs on I-90. I think it was I-90. My long term memory is full of horse pucky fumes.

His cheek

Was rough

His chick vamoosed

And now she won't

Come home to roost

Burma-Shave

For more Burma-Shave slogans, go to www.fiftiesweb.com/burma.htm

Badunkadunk or Junk In the Trunk

Teenagers have a language all their own. Occasionally I have an opportunity to work with them either individually or in small groups. Most of them feel compelled to tell me about their day and some of the “cool” things they do. I find most teens to be charming, open, honest, and downright humorous without trying to be.

There are times, however, when it's very difficult to understand the meaning of what they're trying to communicate. Being around teens and their slang transports me into another dimension. I’m learning some of their lingo, but after hearing the following conversation I thought I was on another planet.

Conversation:
“When I was checkin’ out I saw some badunkadunk jivin’ down the road. Turns out she was a sparkler, so we started chillaxin.”

Translation:
When I was on my way home, I saw a pretty female (sparkler) with a big rear end that looked good (badunkadunk, sometimes called junk in the trunk) walking down the road. She was an old friend, so we hung out and relaxed (chillaxin).

Because I love words, I’ll definitely have to add badunkadunk to my vocabulary list. Knowing its double meaning makes me laugh. Chillaxin is a word combo that speaks for itself.

As you can see, sometimes it's necessary to ask for a t. t. (teen translator) who can help decode their jargon so that communication is in the present dimension rather than the twilight zone.

Is Your Participle Dangling?

I had a dream about dangling participles last night; probably because I had a bowl of chocolate-chip, fudge brownie, chocolate ice cream followed by half a jar of green olives before I went to bed. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, there were dangling participles hovering over the bedpost. Sounds kinda' kinky doesn’t it?

What is a participle? It's a word ending in “ing” and sometimes “ed”. It looks like a verb but acts as an adjective. A participle is used to describe other words in a sentence.

Dangling participles are writing faux pas. They are often humorous without intending to be, but can be both confusing and annoying when trying to convey a message. In order to avoid dangling participles in your writing, be specific. Avoid generalizations.

Two examples of generalizations are “there is”, and “it”. Make sure a noun or verb is in the sentence for the participle to clearly modify. A modifier is a word or group of words that describe other words in a sentence.

Whew! Let’s see now, dangling participles, verbs, adjectives, modifiers, there’s a lot to think about. Let’s have fun with dangling participles and their sometimes humorous, but confusing messages.

Incorrect: Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. (Is the dangling participle writing carefully?)
Correct: While you are carefully writing, avoid dangling participles.

Incorrect: Flitting from flower to flower, the baseball player watched the bee. (I don’t think the baseball player is flitting from flower to flower, but you never know.)
Correct: The baseball player watched the bee flitting from flower to flower.

Incorrect: After being cracked open, the cook boiled the egg. (Oh, oh violence in the kitchen! I hope the cook wasn’t cracked open before the egg was boiled.)
Correct: The cook boiled the egg after it was cracked open.

Incorrect: Leaping off the cliff, I saw the mountain goat land safely 20 feet below me. (Look out below; the goat and I are on our way down!)
Correct: Leaping off the cliff, the mountain goat landed safely 20 feet below me.

So, folks, a dangling participle is not some kinky physical problem. It is a grammar problem. When writing, make your communication clear.

Always remember never to eat chocolate-chip, fudge brownie, chocolate ice cream and green olives before going to bed. I not only have a problem with dangling participles, I have a stomachache.

Which Do You Prefer: A Gherkin or a Tomato?

Just when I think I've heard everything, someone comes up with something that blows my cork.

There are some gherkin groupie protesters lamenting the fact that Heinz changed their 100-year-old-plus logo on the ketchup bottle from a gherkin to a tomato. Heinz's other products, such as mustard, vinegar, and chili sauce still has the gherkin logo on the label.

My first thought was, 'what a bunch of boniaks forming a protesters group over a simple logo change. They really need to get a life.' Then I got to thinking, which in my case can be trouble.

First of all logic tells me that the picture of a tomato should be on a bottle of ketchup, since the main ingredient in ketchup is tomatoes. Second, whenever I have a hot dog I put mustard on it, then I grab a pickle to go with it, usually a gherkin.

In keeping with that thinking, the gherkin should go on the jar of mustard, the tomato on the bottle of ketchup.

To tell you the truth, I never really noticed the gherkin/tomato logo anyway. Interesting how it made front page news in USA Today.

It's more horse pucky as usual. Some people just don't have enough to do.

Bloopers: Election or Erection

I love bloopers. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who makes grammatical errors...and sends them out. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. "We pray for MacArthur's erection." - sign constructed by Japanese citizens in Tokyo when MacArthur was considering a run for President.

Uh oh! Watch out for those "l"s and "r"s. It can change the whole translation!

2. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history...this century's history...we all lived in this century...I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle

Good grief! I wonder who wrote his speech!

Radio bloopers:

3. "When you are thirsty, try 7-UP, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after."

Where's the rest room?

4. "Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration."

Oops! Must have been a before-sunrise broadcast.

You may want to think about editing and speech writing for a living. There is certainly a need for it.

Is It Pubic or Public?

Every once in a while I really screw up. Today it happened. It was a lollapalooza of a mistake. Before I send anything out, I always proofread what I write at least three times. Today, because I was in a hurry, I only proofread once and then sent out a letter addressed to: (name withheld to protect the unprotected), Director of Pubic Relations, instead of Public Relations.

It just goes to show you how one alphabetic character can change the whole flavor (so to speak) of a document. The main point here is, BE SURE TO PROOFREAD MORE THAN ONCE BEFORE YOU SEND ANYTHING OUT!

Take Orally

It's amazes me how people can be so dumb. I've always wondered why the words "take orally" are printed on a bottle of birth control pills. My thought is, 'How else would you take them?' Twenty years ago "take orally" was not printed on the bottle label. My curiosity got the better of me, so I asked my Ob-Gyn.

My doctor told me he prescribed birth control pills to one of his patients because she didn't want to get pregnant (which is the usual, but not only reason "the pill" is prescribed). Three months later, she found out she was going to have a baby and tried to sue him. Turns out she inserted the pill vaginally rather than taking them orally!

Are people dumber now than they were 20 years ago or do they just have no common sense whatsoever? It just goes to show you, don't assume anything and CYA. By the way, the case was thrown out of court. I'm sure the A.M.A. lawyers had a field day with that one. I sure did.