Thursday, February 25, 2010

Moisture Or Oysters

I thought I was over my cold, but apparantly not. My ears are plugged up and my hearing is off.

Case in point is the phone converstion between my daughter Wendy and me today:

Me: Hi, Wendy, How's everybody doing? Is your cold better? Mine is.

Wendy: Everybody's fine and I'm feeling much better. Glad to know you are better. Oh, before I forget, we have moisture in the basement and we're not sure what to do about it.

Me: Oysters in the basement?! You know I love raw oysters. I'll be right over with the coctail sauce.

Wendy: No, Mom. I said moisture. You know, like in damp. I thought you said your cold was better.

Me: Oh...moisture. I'll bring over the dehumidifier instead of the coctail sauce.

At this point, I can picture my daughter rolling her eyes as she completely changes the subject.

Wendy: Let's get our nails done this evening at the new nail spa.

Me: They're serving snails at the spa? I love escargot with garlic and butter.

Wendy: I think you need a nap, and have your ears cleaned out while your at it. I have to go now. Call me when you have your ears roto-rooted.

We finally decided that a dehumidifier for the basement was a good idea, and having our nails done will be a nice treat as soon as our colds are completely gone.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Civil War of 2010

It was bound to happen sooner or later. The government is at war with itself; local, state, and federal. All the governing bodies and all the government parties need to be fired.

How many parties do we have now? Let's see, there's the all too familiar Democrat and Republican parties. Then there's the Independent Party, the Green Party, Sara Palin's Tea Party, the Party To Have A Party, and the ever popular Horse Pucky Party. Personally, I think we're Partied out, except for the Horse Pucky Party.

Our governments spend more time fighting amongst themselves than working. I can honestly see a Civil War looming. All the opposing parties will wage war against one another, while the taxpayers will fight against all the various governing bodies; local, statewide, and federal.

It will be a war to remember, especially if no one pays their local, state, or federal income taxes this year. I can hardly wait. I won't have to file a tax form.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Code In My Node

Yuk! I have a code in my node. My head feels like it's packed with leftover gauze pads, and my ears are plugged. I feel as though I've been ground up in the insinkerator and put back together by an evil troll.

My drugs of choice to get me through this general malaise is Robitussin cough syrup, guaifenesen, and ibuprofen. The cough syrup keeps me from coughing all night, the guaifenesen offers chest congestion relief, and the ibuprofen reduces inflamation of all body parts. All three combined make me very sleepy, which is what I'm going to do...sleep.

Jon brought over some home made chicken soup, which really helped, gave me a hug, and covered me up with a warm blanket. What a wonderful guy! I think I'll go back to sleep and dream warm, tropical thoughts, while swimming under a waterfall with the guy who brought me home made chicken soup, in hopes I'll get rid of the code in my node soon.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Bees Knees

I was thinking about my grandmother today. She was a free spirit, always dressed with utmost style and good taste, and (for want of a better description) always thought outside the box. Some of her phrases such as, "Wow, that's the cat's pajamas!" Or "That's the bees knees!" have carried over into my vernacular.

Before I continue using her lingo, 'I thought', it'll be a good idea to look up what Gram's phrases actually mean because I've been known to throw out some words that have totally different meanings than what I originally thought, such as "tube steak", thinking it actually meant hot dog.

Both "cat's pajamas" and "bees knees" originated in the 20's and was part of the typical vocabulary of the flappers, young women whose avant garde wardrobe and free-spirited disregard of social conservatism epitomized the spirit of the Roaring Twenties. My grandmother certainly was all of that and more. I miss her.

"Cat's pajamas", and "bees knees" both mean "that is great", "wonderful", or "the hottest new thing". I kind of figured that out based on how it's used in context. But you never know. At least I haven't embarrased myself too much this time.

Anyone under 50 always laughs and questions the phrase, "Hey that's the bees knees." Now I know where it originated and can explain the history along with the wonderful memories and spirited presence my grandmother continues to give me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Out Of The Moment Retreat Facilities

For those of you who showed an interest in our Out of the Moment Retreat facilities, we have grass huts available for a reasonable price. Just outside the entrance to your hut you can commune with our local gorillas, go for a hike in the mountains, or walk a short distance and go surfing.

There's also a seaside horseback ride on two retired thoroughbred race horses, who still think they're on the track. Watch out for the horse pucky when you go barefoot on the beach!

We promise you a very exhilarating, exciting, natural vacation. Oh, I almost forgot. We give each of you a complimentary bottle of Merlot with each booking. You'll need it! AND you can pick your own coffee beans for an early morning, extra fresh, cup of coffee.

For a vacation you'll never forget, email us for a reservation before we're all sold out.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It's the 14th of February!

Aside from the fact it's Valentine's Day, it's also the Chinese New Year and Jim Kelly's birthday.

1. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who reads Horse Pucky. If you were here I'd give you a big hug.

2. Happy New Year to my favorite Chinese take out place. You've saved me on more than one occassion when I wondered what to have for dinner when unexpected guests arrive, and I neglected to go grocery shiopping that week.

3. Happy Birthday, Jim. I still think you should be GM for the Buffalo Bills. The team just hasn't been the same without you.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Out of the Moment Retreat

Jon and I figured out a warm, sunny place to start a business. Our plan is to build a modest retreat called Out of the Moment in a remote location in Mexico. It's a perfect spot with all sorts of exciting activities, especially for those of us who don't know how to stay in the moment.

One of our featured, outdoor sports will include surfing, which will take place just outside your rented grass hut, located in a sequestered Mexican seaside area. As our guest, you'll be at one with nature as you commune with all that is real.

Surfing in our secluded beach area is an adventure you'll never forget. It'll blow your mind! We promise.

Tomorrow we'll show you more Out Of The Moment Retreat activities for those who are daredevils at heart, not too bright, or too inebriated to know the difference.


Monday, February 1, 2010

Horse Pucky Award of the Week: Utility Companies

That's it! I've had it! The Rochester Gas and Electric Company sends out bills that a Harvard Law grad can't understand. I took a good look at the charges on my utility bill for the month and had some serious questions. After talking with RG&E, I decided to give them the Horse Pucky Award of the Week.

What in the name of all that is holy does the following mean: ?????????????

On My Bill, Under Natural Gas Delivery Charges

1. Delivery charge for next December: $6.47

Next December!?!? We may be moving to a warmer climate by then or I may be in an urn, whichever comes first. (At my age, I like living in the moment.) Because of the high heat temperatures during the cremation process I'm sure RG&E will figure out a way to bill me until the year 3000 and beyond.

2. Next January!?!? Delivery charge for next January: $8.52

Same as December with one exception. Why is it more costly in January than December? Must be the therms or perms or whatever they use to determine their pricing.

3. NY state assessment: $1.40

Required by NY state law in order to fund our NY State government "leaders" so they can go on a Caribbean vacation. Read page 5 of your Rochester Gas and Electric bill. It's very informative.

Just the supply charge for the gas portion of my bill this month is $64.94, with actual gas usage priced at $31.18! At those prices, I'm going to figure out how to bottle and supply my own gas. Maybe I'll have beans and Brussels sprouts for dinner.

Until I eat enough gaseous food, I'm going to send Rochester Gas and Electric the Horse Pucky Award of the week sans the gift bag.

Keep in mind, I haven't even touched on the electric portion of my bill yet.