Friday, November 28, 2008

Leftovers and Leftunders

Thanksgiving was great! I'm so full of turkey 'n' trimmings that I'm really too lazy today to come up with anything creative, so I borrowed a portion of a funny poem my cousin-in-law, Mike, just sent me. It's a poem that reflects the typical turkey coma most of us experience Thanksgiving day and the leftovers that follow.

"'Twill be Turkish leftovers, and left-unders, too;
There'll be soups, plates 'n' 'wiches, with stuffing and stew.
I can guess at our menu for the next dozen days;
Turkey this, Turkey that, in a post-Turkish haze.

That's enough of this stuff, for December's 'most here.
We each gobbled gobbler, and each drank his cheer.
So I wish you this tiding, this Thanksgiving thought:
May you live life quite fully, and enjoy what God's wrought."

Thanks for the chuckle, Mike. Now it's time to put on the long johns, lace up the sneakers, and go for a jog. Or maybe a brisk walk. Or maybe take a nap.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Is It Pubic or Public?

Every once in a while I really screw up. Today it happened. It was a lollapalooza of a mistake. Before I send anything out, I always proofread what I write at least three times. Today, because I was in a hurry, I only proofread once and then sent out a letter addressed to: (name withheld to protect the unprotected), Director of Pubic Relations, instead of Public Relations.

It just goes to show you how one alphabetic character can change the whole flavor (so to speak) of a document. The main point here is, BE SURE TO PROOFREAD MORE THAN ONCE BEFORE YOU SEND ANYTHING OUT!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Take Orally

It's amazes me how people can be so dumb. I've always wondered why the words "take orally" are printed on a bottle of birth control pills. My thought is, 'How else would you take them?' Twenty years ago "take orally" was not printed on the bottle label. My curiosity got the better of me, so I asked my Ob-Gyn.

My doctor told me he prescribed birth control pills to one of his patients because she didn't want to get pregnant (which is the usual, but not only reason "the pill" is prescribed). Three months later, she found out she was going to have a baby and tried to sue him. Turns out she inserted the pill vaginally rather than taking them orally!

Are people dumber now than they were 20 years ago or do they just have no common sense whatsoever? It just goes to show you, don't assume anything and CYA. By the way, the case was thrown out of court. I'm sure the A.M.A. lawyers had a field day with that one. I sure did.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Totally Unique Christmas Gift...Horsie Delights

Are you stuck for ideas as to what to get that 'someone special' for Christmas? You came to the right place. In fact, our bags of Horsie Delights® are flying off the shelf.

Seriously folks, people give their bosses, spouses, friends, and family Horsie Delights® as gag gifts. One lady told me, "I've always wanted to give my husband a bag of shit for Christmas." She bought a bag for $7.00!

For serious gardeners, the patented de-hydrating process we use, makes Horsie Delights® the perfect gift for those who want to keep their indoor house plants perky over the cold winter months. I use them on my indoor plants, and they flourish.

Horsie Delights® is 100% organic. The bag is the size of a standard lunch bag and only cost $7.00/bag, which includes tax, shipping, and handling. Laughter is free.

If you're interested, I'll send you a bag. For a lot laughs, healthy plants, and a truly unique Christmas gift, buy a bag of Horsie Delights® while they last. We even have sweatshirts with our infamous logo. The cuddly, long sleeve, sweatshirts are $25.00 which includes tax, shipping, and handling.

As soon as I figure out how to put Pay Pal on this blog, we're in business. Until then, I accept personal checks by snail mail.

Happy Holidays from the Horsie Delights staff, especially our manufacturing team.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Guantanamo Bay Resort and Spa

There's a lot of horse pucky flying around lately about what to do with the Afghanistan and Iraqi detainees at Guantanamo Bay. Poor Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are shaking their heads and scratching wondering what to do. I have the perfect solution. Turn Guantanamo Bay into a resort, casino, and spa. It's in a perfect spot for tourists, especially the Russians. We all know a successful business depends on location, location, location.

Guantanamo Bay is located at the southeastern end of Cuba. It was discovered in 1494 by Columbus and still has a restaurant there he started. It's called Chris's Arroz con Polla and Beans. Anyway, the beaches are gorgeous, the views are stunning (as long as you don't stare too long at the orange jumpsuits the detainees are wearing), and the weather is temperate...about 78-85 degrees with cool ocean breezes. Unless there's a hurricane. Then it's 78-85 degrees with enough wind to blow your sandals off.

Currently the U.S. is leasing the land, 45 square miles, for about $4,000/year. Yup, that's right, four thousand dollars a year, which is a lopsided deal the U.S. made with Cuba back in 1934. Casto thinks the U.S. government is made up of a bunch of capitalist pigs so he decided not to cash any of the checks out of spite. I agree with the pig part, but I would definitely cash the checks.

Here's my plan. Since the U.S. has already invested $12 million in a wind project in Cuba for all their power needs, we could add that to all the checks Castro hasn't cashed yet, pick up some investors in Dubai, Afghanistan, Iraq, and the U.S. and build a huge five-star hotel complete with a spa, casiono and nightclub.

First, we'd have to clean up the prison area. Then we could hire all the detainees, along with the 9,500 U.S. sailors and marines we have over there and exchange their orange jumpsuits and military uniforms for tuxes, but only after they clean up the prison area. They could all operate the resort, spa and casino.

Think about it. It's a win-win situation for everyone. There's job that are fun, economic stimulus for both Cuba and the U.S., and the world will get to see Christopher Columbus' first, authentic Spanish-Cuban restaurant.

Cuba really is a gorgeous place. Let's turn it into a tourist attraction. Hey, we could call it Club Gitmo!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Christmas Has Gone to the Dogs

Believe or not, I received fan-email from a dog named Yuri. First I'll give you some historic background

I donated a table top Christmas tree to the Granger Homestead in Canandaigua, NY. The tree is decorated with dog bisquits and various colored ribbon and yarn. It is one of many trees, wreaths, and mantle displays donated for their silent auction, with the proceeds from the auction used to support the Homestead, a beautiful 1816 Federal-style house and historic landmark.

Enter Yuri. He's a guide dog in training. Trainer and handler, Bonnie Kelly, gives her time and talent so others can "see" through the use of these wonderful dogs. Yuri and Bonnie were visitors to the Granger Homestead, enjoying the lovely holiday decorations, and picked up one of my business cards.

Above is a picture Bonnie sent me of Yuri. Below is the actual fan-email I received yesterday. I was touched on many levels. Yuri made my day.

"My Guide Dog in training seems to feel your tree was better than the Guiding Eyes for the Blind tree. Just thought you would like to see one of your fans."
-Bonnie Kelly, trainer

I'll have to make a dog bisquit tree especially for Yuri.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Make Millions in Your Pajamas

I just received my bazillionth email telling me I can make over a six figure income, in my p.j.s, working only two hours a day from home as a copywriter. It bothers me how organizations can get away with promoting those kinds of claims. I think I've figured it out.

First of all it depends on what kind of copywriting we're talking about. The email ads aren't too specific. Second of all, the type of jammies I wear is important. If they are my usual footie, flannel ones it won't work. If the p.j.s are slinky and see-through it might.

Knowing that our state governer, Elliot Spitzer, hired a call girl for $3,000 an hour last year, a six figure income is totally realistic only working two hours a day from home. Just think, I can write ad copy promoting my services.

When all is said and done, I'd rather stay in my flannel, Sponge Bob Square Pants, footie jammies my grandkids gave me for Christmas last year. I'll continue to work days at a respectable job, and clack away at the keyboard, in the evening, with the hope I'll eventually make a living as a writer.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pants on Fire

"Liar, liar, pants on fire. Your nose is as long as a telephone wire. " Or how about, "Roses are red, violets are blue, gargabe stinks and so do you." I was having a '50s flashback today, remembering all the awful things I used to say to my brother when we were kids.

I also thought about the many times my brother and I sat in our grandfather's over-stuffed, green leather chair, drawing mustaches on the models' pictures in my grandmother's favorite fashion magazines. We were a team. We had something in common...subverting the adults.

Things have changed. My brother's a Republican; I'm a Democrat. He still likes Bush; I think Bush is full pucky. He likes the hot Florida weather, I like cold, upstate New York winters. We have nothing in common.

I miss that over-stuffed green leather chair full of fond memories. It's been replaced with contentious political discourse, disagreement about the weather, and a general feeling of wanting to revert back to the, "Liar, liar pants on fire..." days of childhood.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Kitty Litter Cake

Looks like used kitty litter doesn't it? It's supposed to. Actually it's my birthday cake from last year.

My daughter and three grandchildren concocted the masterpiece out of vanilla wafers, cake mix, chocolate pudding, and tootsie rolls, complete with a litter pan (brand new and unused of course), and a cat pooper-scooper tied with a strip of newspaper. There's even newspaper under the "litter" pan. Gotta love their humor.

I can't wait until my birthday this year. Maybe they'll make me a horse pucky cake. One thing for sure, their cakes are delicious. But all the laughter is even better.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Superbowl Ad for 2008

One of my dreams is to create a superbowl ad that will rival every advertising agency in the country. I needed an athletic and handsome model, so I decided to use Bear in the ad. For those of you who are new to ths blog, Bear is my cat. We all know how popular animals are when trying to sell a product...especially beer. I'm not too sure what we're trying to sell here. Who cares?

The important thing is to be sure to check out the quarterback tuck-and-roll technique Bear uses in the video. In fact after this video is watched, I know my phone will be ringing off the hook with agents calling to sign us to a huge contract.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Bail Me Out

You know what? The $780 billion bailout bonanza is a bust! That money could've been used much more effectively to bolster the economy. Every American should have been given $300,000 instead.

Yup, that's right. $780 billion equates to $300,000 for each family in the U.S. We would be able to pay off our homes, credit cards, and have enough health insurance to take care of everyone.

With the holidays coming I'd be able to buy some really nice gifts for my family, further boosting our economy. As usual, Uncle Sam bailed out the wrong people. He should've asked me what to do.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

How Did Ernie Do It?

I don't know how Ernest Hemingway was able to write with 69 cats around him all the time. I have one and he can be a pest sometimes. There were no computers in Ernie's day, only manual typewriters (remember them?). Maybe his cats got their tales caught in the carriage return, which eventually kept the little fur balls away from his writing area.

My cat, Bear, likes to sit on the computer keyboard, and vie for my attention; and always when I'm in the middle of a writing project. He's been known to delete a half days work. If I could only teach him how to type instead of hit the delete button! Oh well, it's a start. Besides, he's a handsome little guy who loves me unconditionally. That alone is worth a half days work.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Drip Drip Drip...Love

Someone told me I need to slow down and smell the coffee, so I did. I not only smelled it, I stood and watched and listened and heard the drip, drip, fizzle sound the electric coffee pot makes while it perked my favorite brew.
It stopped me long enough to reconnect to familiar smells and places only reserved for special people who are no longer physically here. Great love has a way of doing that.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Bring Back the '50s

What would happen if no one paid their taxes? Or their monthly health care premiums? Gee, maybe we'd have enough money left over for food and an occasional movie. Remember when you could buy a candy bar for a nickel? Imagine that! I think we should bring back the '50s.

Property and school tax didn't go into effect until 1950. Now we are taxed right out of our homes. I never had to pay for health care. Now part of my monthly income goes to the health care industry. What happened to the '50s?

I decided to go back in time, which many of us aging boomers do, and pull up some '50s figures.

This is what I found:
bag of horse pucky: free
candy bar: $.o5
average house: $14,500
income: $3,216
Ford car: $1339-$2262
Philco model 1403 TV: $199
12" records: $4.85 10" records: $2.85 (Remember those?)
Milk: $.82
Gas: $.20
Bread $.14
Postage stamp: $.03
Pumpkins : $.02 cents a lb
Campbell’s Pork & Beans - (2) 1 lb. cans: $.25
Sirloin steak: $.77 lb
Kraft Mayonnaise - quart jar: $.62

I think it's interesting that milk costs more than gas. Read it and weep.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Ode de Horse

After cleaning stalls yesterday, I stopped by our local grocery store to pick up a few essentials. As usual, the check out lines were long when I first walked in. I figured, by the time I picked up what I needed the lines would be shorter. I was wrong. I took the grocery cart with my goodies, and stood at the end of the line, waiting my turn. Two people ahead of me took their groceries and moved to another check out line. "Hot dog!", I said to myself. I was out of the store quicker than two flicks of a horses tail.

Shovelling horse pucky is one of my favorite things to do...seriously. It's honest work, good exercise, and it clears out my sinuses. The only problem is I smell like a horse when I'm done. What a great way to get ahead in the grocery line!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Hope for Unity

This is certainly a day to celebrate. It's a day of historical significance. It's a day when the Pledge of Allegiance takes on even more meaning. It's a day I thought I would never see in my lifetime; the election of an African-American president. It's a wake-up call to our politicians that we, as Americans, are not going to put up with poor performance from our elected officials.

God bless you, Barrack Obama and your beautiful family. I don't envy you your job. I did vote for you because I think you are up for the difficult challenge that lies ahead. Peace be with you.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Free Coffee

It's free, free, free. Hot diggity dog...oops...I mean hot steamin' coffee!

If you still don't know who you are voting for yet...tsk, tsk, or if you hate politics and are not voting at all...we need to talk later.

FYI: Starbucks is offering a tall, fresh brewed coffee if you go into any store and tell them you voted. That's a pretty good incentive to get out and vote even if you dislike this political game. You owe it to your country to vote. Good for Starbucks for giving us that added incentive.

Guns, Pro-Life, and the Electoral Vote

What a scary thought! Just when I thought Halloween was over, I discovered Rosie Palker-Havel, a gun toting pro-lifer who is going around Lake County, Ohio disseminating fliers to her neighborhood, touting the benefits of voting the McCain-Palin ticket...and in a pink cowboy hat no less.

I have no problem with what people wear, what they believe in, or who they vote for, but I do have a problem with a person who holds a gun in her hand, while pontificating pro-life. Rosie's pink cowboy hat and frizzy, bleached blond hair speaks volumes about the intelligence of voters in this Lake County community. I don't get it. How can Rosie call herself a pro-lifer while blowing someone into smithereens with her gun?

Good grief! Talk about a paradox! Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton are rolling over in their graves! The real scary part to all of this is, which candidate will capture Ohio's critical 20 electoral votes?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween Candy has a Price

Halloween has always been fun for me. My, how things have changed! We're raising a bunch of wimps.

When I was a kid, I remember the grown-ups, whose door bells we rang, always had tricks up their sleeves to scare us. Their philosophy was, if you want candy prepare to be scared...and we were. I embraced that tradition when I became the adult answering the door to all the trick or treaters, wearing some sort of scary costume I created.

This year I got in trouble. An irate parent was upset because I scared his eight year old son when I answered the door, wearing a wolf mask. My comment was, "If you don't want to be scared then I suggest you give up Halloween." Furthermore, it was 10:30 pm at night when this guy rang my doorbell. I told him I didn't appreciate him ringing my doorbell at that hour. Too bad that his twerpy kid was so scared he forgot to take his candy...which I ate, enjoying every minute of it. I can't wait 'til next Halloween 'cause irate parents will be getting a treat bag with fresh horse pucky.