Monday, January 26, 2009

Which Do You Prefer: A Gherkin or a Tomato?

Just when I think I've heard everything, someone comes up with something that blows my cork.

There are some gherkin groupie protesters lamenting the fact that Heinz changed their 100-year-old-plus logo on the ketchup bottle from a gherkin to a tomato. Heinz's other products, such as mustard, vinegar, and chili sauce still has the gherkin logo on the label.

My first thought was, 'what a bunch of boniaks forming a protesters group over a simple logo change. They really need to get a life.' Then I got to thinking, which in my case can be trouble.

First of all logic tells me that the picture of a tomato should be on a bottle of ketchup, since the main ingredient in ketchup is tomatoes. Second, whenever I have a hot dog I put mustard on it, then I grab a pickle to go with it, usually a gherkin.

In keeping with that thinking, the gherkin should go on the jar of mustard, the tomato on the bottle of ketchup.

To tell you the truth, I never really noticed the gherkin/tomato logo anyway. Interesting how it made front page news in USA Today.

It's more horse pucky as usual. Some people just don't have enough to do.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Human Polar Bears

In case you think we've lost our minds, we haven't. Of course, that's open for debate.

My friend Margie (on the left), who is also my neighbor, and I are enjoying a heat wave...28 degrees. We thought we'd celebrate by shoveling snow in shorts and a tee shirt.

It was 20 degrees below zero the day before this picture was taken. Within 12 hours the weather was a "balmy" 28 degrees. Think about it. That's a 48 degree increase in temperature practically overnight. It kinda' made us a bit "balmy".

We were on a roll and decided to clear the sidewalk. While we were at it we removed snow off of everyone's front porch. I'm sure the neighbors appreciated a clear path to their front door when they got home.

We had lots of laughs, got some exercise, and enjoyed the warmth of our homes when we finally decided to go inside. It made me appreciate the simple things in heat.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

More Valentine Horse Pucky

Since we mentioned Bridegrooms Anonymous in yesterday's post, it's only fair to include Brides Anonymous to level out the playing field. Never let it be said that I am gender biased. It's important that I vent my curmudgeonly valentine thoughts in the spirit of equal rights.

Whenever a woman wants to get married, Brides Anonymous sends over a man with a too-tight tee shirt stretched over an excessively large belly. Attached to his belt loop is a six-pack of cheap beer as he proceeds to languish on your damask sofa, feet up on your antique coffee table, watching (what else) football. An occasional belch is the only means of communication. Who needs it?!

So ladies, when the marriage mood strikes the first thing you need to do is call Brides Anonymous. After Mr. Tacky leaves, grab a nice glass of wine, light a few candles around the house, pop some popcorn, and be thankful you are single.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue. Who Cares?!

Now that Valentine's Day is coming, I decided to write my usual curmudgeonly valentine thoughts. Fair warning to any of you who follow my blog. And for those who don't...tough noogies.

Is your barn/house cat your real significant other? Are you tired of all the delusions about love sweet love? Do lacy valentines make you want to run to the liquor cabinet? I can answer "yes" to all three of these questions. So, let's get straight to the heart of the matter. Valentine's Day is more fun spent in the barn shoveling horse pucky.

In my opinion the only ties that bind are made of either baling twine or barbed wire. The reality of it all is; it's easier to stay single. I know a gentleman who belongs to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever he feels like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn his toast for him.

I just realized it's 1:20 a.m. I need to get my beauty rest. Tomorrow I'll continue this Valentine saga.

Monday, January 12, 2009

How to Please Your Sweetie on Valentine's Day

Listen up guys! I hate to be a nag, but Valentine's Day is just around the corner. I have some great ideas that will please your sweetie on February 14th:

1. Go to the local 7-11 and buy a six-pack of your favorite beer to share with your spouse/significant other. Don't forget a couple of straws.

2. Take her ice fishing. She has to supply the bait. Worms are good. If the ground is too cold to dig for worms, your local bait shop has them pre-packaged and all warmed up.

3. Invite her to an indoor tractor pull and then take her to McDonald's for dinner. The smell of diesel fuel, the sound of roaring engines, and the taste of greasy food will really turn her on.

Did you think I was serious? Well sort of. But really, send your sweetie a floral arrangement with her birth flower as part of the bouquet. Then make reservations at a B&B (bed and breakfast) in a scenic area, in the country for the weekend. Make sure the B&B has a bottle of champagne and a box of her favorite chocolates on a table in your room. In addition, make reservations for dinner at a four-star restaurant in the area.

The weekend will be relaxing and enjoyable for both of you. When you get home, the flowers will be there to remind you both of the great relationship you have.

Congratulations, you just made a happy memory. Happy Valentine's Day!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Bloopers: Election or Erection

I love bloopers. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who makes grammatical errors...and sends them out. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. "We pray for MacArthur's erection." - sign constructed by Japanese citizens in Tokyo when MacArthur was considering a run for President.

Uh oh! Watch out for those "l"s and "r"s. It can change the whole translation!

2. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history...this century's history...we all lived in this century...I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle

Good grief! I wonder who wrote his speech!

Radio bloopers:

3. "When you are thirsty, try 7-UP, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after."

Where's the rest room?

4. "Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration."

Oops! Must have been a before-sunrise broadcast.

You may want to think about editing and speech writing for a living. There is certainly a need for it.