Monday, May 10, 2010

The Miracle Swimsuit

Jon and I are leaving on a ten day vacation to West Palm Beach, Boynton Beach, and Key West to visit my family and celebrate my mother's 91st birthday. The biggest problem in dealing with this trip is the fact that I need a new bathing suit. The one I currenly have is about 15 years old. The good news is: It still fits. The bad news is: It still fits because it has stretched along with my various body parts.

To make a long story short, I went shopping for a bathing suit over the weekend. Mistake number one was taking Jon with me. We were going through the rack of new, one-piece bathing suits at TJ Max. Jon came across a suit with a tag that read, "Miracle Suit. Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds." He innocently said, "Here you go honey, go try this one on." I gave him the one finger salute and told him I was going to wear my stretched out bathing suit with a tee shirt over the top. His comment was, "Oops!"

Mistake number two was trying on various styles of suits. I realize there are many I just can't wear anymore. I tried on one of those ladies racing Speedos I used to wear in high school, when I was on the swim team, 50 years ago. Pouches of beyond-middle-age flab scooshed out between the racing straps in the back. I told my daughter about it and she said, "Hey, Mom, just think, you've got a built-in flotation device."

The whole experience was like trying to stuff 10 pounds of horse pucky into a five pound bag. On top of it all, it happened on Mother's Day. After hearing my bathing suit story, everyone had a good laugh at my expense, including me. I rode the horses Sunday, had an elegant meal cooked by my very thoughtful son-in-law, got lots of hugs from my grandchildren, and decided that the Miracle Suit should be on Fibomercials and Scams.

In closing, I think this 67 year old body needs more than a miracle.


lightly said...

here is a suggestion.

when you finally wear that new swimsuit you need to take a picture or two and post it here.

i think we all deserve a good laugh.

Pam said...

lightly: This is no laughing matter! I'll be happy to post some pictures. I'm actually quite cute and adorable. Just a little thick in the middle as well as in the head.

Randy Johnson said...

If I've learned anything at all in my middle aged marriage it's to keep mum on this subject. The important thing about a swimsuit is that you enjoy the swim. So go make a splash! Anyone who doesn’t like it is a wet blanket.

Eye of Newt said...

Hi Pam

I was researching the use of "horse pucky" - doesn't everybody? - and stumbled over your delightful blog. At first, I was struck by the fact that your blog is mechanically like mine. Reading further, I was charmed to discover that your subject matter and delivery are surprisingly like my own. Small world. Keep it up.

Robert Crane said...

do what i do. wear the suit in the shower and call it a day. in my case, i can't actually see what's goin' on in my ample buttocks arena there but i can only imagine it's fantastic.

itsmecissy said...

EXACTLY why I do not own a bathing suit (skinny dipping is more fun).

Hope you had a GRAND time in spite of it all.

itsmecissy said...

Jeez woman, aren't you back yet??? (we missed you and kept the light on for ya - and Jon).

Pam said...

Randy: Turns out the old bathing did make a splash.

Newt: How nice to have a new Horse Pucky follower. Didn't know horse pucky was such a hot topic.

Robert: Only you would wear your bathing suit in the shower. Do you take it off when you go out in public?

ItsMe: We were surrounded by too many people to go skinny dipping. However, there is a bar in Key West called The Garden of Eden. Clothing is optional. More on that later.

I missed you all too.

lightly said...

i have spent the last year turn this body into a perfect lean mean fighting machine and yet i still don't have the guts (keg replaced with six pack) to parade in a speedo. there should be a law that if you belly (male or female) extends further out than your chest you should not be allowed to wear a speedo, and if you decide to skinny dip then you should be rounded up and sent to a fat farm until you either slim down or get the notion of skinny dipping beaten out of you.
and yes we want pictures of your adventure (we will not laugh at you we will enjoy with you).

Pam said...

lightly: Ha! Is that six pack abs or keg abs?!