Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Kink In His Dink

"Focus on safety like a laser," says Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Yeah, right! Safety??? I think he has a kink in his dink.

Good luck trying to stop an oil leak of this magnitude! It's like trying to put a nozzle on the end of a garden hose when you have the water turned on full blast.

As far as the garden hose is concerned, there's a solution. This is what I do. First, I kink the hose with my left hand to stop the water. Next, I continue to hold the kinked hose with the last three fingers on my left hand while steadying it with my thumb and forefinger. At the same time, I put the nozzle on the hose using all five fingers on my right hand. If you've followed this so far, it's really an engineering fete accompliss.

For those of you who need your dink unkinked or your hose kinked, promise me you won't call BP. I'm sure they'll have no clue what you're talking about. On second thought you can call BP Houston; 281.366.2000 and ask for Dick Cheney.

There's definitely some serious "kinking" or "unkinking" that needs to be done, pdq, in order to save our planet. Meanwhile, Tony Howard and his crew of mud engineers along with Dick Cheney, will be getting a bag of horse pucky this week. Hopefully they'll know what to do with it.


lightly said...

oil companies have these big pumps that pump oil out the ground, so will someone tell me why they just didn't dump one of these above the oil leak and just pump the oil into waiting ships, its not like they don't have filters to remove the water from the oil.
this method would have collected about 80 to 90% of the leaking oil, still would have been better than what we have now.
butt alas for some reason when you put in charge of a company you have to stick your head so far up your ..... that any bright idea will never be seen.

Randy Johnson said...

Well said Pam. It figures that this would all lead back to Dick Cheney. This country has never been perfect, but we were going along pretty good for two and a quarter centuries until that guy stuck his dink in it. Someone should have kinked it ten years ago then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.

I like the horse pucky idea. When you deliver it, I suggest you mush it into pie tins and give it to each of 'em clown style!

Pam said...

lightly: It's called "common sense". I've discovered that all the money in the world, or degrees up the wazoo, doesn't give a person "common sense".

Randy: I really do have horse pucky in gift bags. Cost = $7.00
Looks on peoples faces = priceless.

Two bags are going out in tomorrow's mail along with my business card. One bag to BP Houston c/o Dick Cheney, the other bag to BP global c/o Tony Howard.

Randy Johnson said...

Pam: I love the horse pucky gift bags. It's the perfect message when mere words aren't enough.

Robert Crane said...

whenever i get a kink in my hose, keaton just takes heated barbeque tongs and grabs at the base of my ... oh wait ... uh oh! um sorry pam, i thought this was penthouse forum. i'll just be on my way.

continue to talk amongst yourselves.

itsmecissy said...

Or "when you care enough to send the very best."

Pam said...

Randy: I really do sell Horse Pucky gift bags. They cost $7.00 which includes tax & shipping. They make great gag gifts or serious gifts for the indoor plant lover. Want one?

Robert: Ouch?! Hot barbeque tongs?! What kind of weenie roast do you have at your house?

Itsme: Nothing but the best for our top officials. Har-de-har-har.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to visit and comment. Your comments are funnier than the blog post.

Randy Johnson said...

Pam: I’ll keep that in mind, but I’m up to my ankles in donkey pucky over here, so no thank you for now. Hey maybe we could find 10 more pucky producers and offer a “Pucky of the Month Club” for those who care enough to send a gift that will last all year long.

Pam said...

Randy: I've created a line of greeting cards called "Horse Pucky Studios...we dop more than a line." The tag line, "we drop more than a line" comes from Bob Crane.

Eye of Newt said...

I've got to check your blog more often. I just found this particular piece of wisdom and - being situated here on Tampa Bay, within sight of ground zero - I share your affection for the dinks at BP. Now that you have made the connection, I can think of so many things that "BP" might stand for.


Pam said...

Newt: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. "BP" initials leave room for a lot of creativity.

Tampa is in a critical spot with this oil spill. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

I may be getting a call from the FBI after Dick receives his bag of horse pucky. If I end up in Federal prison, remember I love homemade chicken soup and dark chocolate cake.