Horse Pucky Award of the Week: RG&E

The Horse Pucky Award of the Week goes to the Rochester Gas and Electric Company, unaffectionately referred to as RG&E. That's how I make out my checks each month; payable to RG&E. Over the years I think my gas and electricity usage has added up to a bazillion dollars and change. But, that's not the reason for this blog post. There's another more sinister reason.

RG&E is actually trying to collect $149 from my friend, Jennifer's deceased father, who died on April 9th of this year. They actually sent him to collections knowing he is among the dearly departed. Can you imagine! That puts a whole new meaning into low down, tacky, and just plain greedy. It's difficult enough when you lose someone you love without having to put up with that kind of horse pucky.

Jennifer called me today because I'm known as the pit bull. When it comes to justice and rights in this uncompassionate system we have to deal with, I'll fight to the end. The long and short of it is, RG&E will be getting a call from our state attorney general's office. Companies don't like that. They have to fill out 65 pages of paper work, in addition to a $3,000 to $5,000 fine if they're found in violation of ethics. It'll cost the weenies more than $149.

I was going to send them a bag of horse pucky, but I think I'll save it for the person who made a mistake on my bill last month. I was overcharged $120, but not for long.

A Kink In His Dink

"Focus on safety like a laser," says Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Yeah, right! Safety??? I think he has a kink in his dink.

Good luck trying to stop an oil leak of this magnitude! It's like trying to put a nozzle on the end of a garden hose when you have the water turned on full blast.

As far as the garden hose is concerned, there's a solution. This is what I do. First, I kink the hose with my left hand to stop the water. Next, I continue to hold the kinked hose with the last three fingers on my left hand while steadying it with my thumb and forefinger. At the same time, I put the nozzle on the hose using all five fingers on my right hand. If you've followed this so far, it's really an engineering fete accompliss.

For those of you who need your dink unkinked or your hose kinked, promise me you won't call BP. I'm sure they'll have no clue what you're talking about. On second thought you can call BP Houston; 281.366.2000 and ask for Dick Cheney.

There's definitely some serious "kinking" or "unkinking" that needs to be done, pdq, in order to save our planet. Meanwhile, Tony Howard and his crew of mud engineers along with Dick Cheney, will be getting a bag of horse pucky this week. Hopefully they'll know what to do with it.

Clothing Optional

We're back! It was a fun and interesting south Florida adventure. We have lots of funny stories. Key West and points north are conducive to funny stories.

Scenario: Mom's place in West Palm Beach after our trip to Key West.
Cast of characters: Jon (my sweetie), John (my son), Mom (age 91), and me.
Discussion: The conversation started out discussing sea food which gradually deteriorated from there.

Mom: So, how was Key West?
Me: 88 degrees with 92% humidity.
Jon: Did you know there's a "clothing optional" bar in Key West?
Mom: Sounds like it could be a nudy bar.
Me: Mother!
Jon: Yeah! You got it! It's a nude bar for patrons.
John: Do they serve crabs? chuckle chuckle
Mom: Definitely not the kind of crabs I'd want.
Me: I wonder if you have to check your clothes at the door?
Jon: You'd have to start a tab.
Me: I have an idea! We could start a family business. Let's design a bar stool with a specially designed paper towel roll. You could drape clean paper towels over the seats to keep things sanitary. Just rip off the used paper towel when you leave and roll up a clean one.
Everyone: Good idea.

And we were'nt even drinking. And the conversation turned into something a little more refined.

Mom: So, how's the horse pucky business?

The Miracle Swimsuit

Jon and I are leaving on a ten day vacation to West Palm Beach, Boynton Beach, and Key West to visit my family and celebrate my mother's 91st birthday. The biggest problem in dealing with this trip is the fact that I need a new bathing suit. The one I currenly have is about 15 years old. The good news is: It still fits. The bad news is: It still fits because it has stretched along with my various body parts.

To make a long story short, I went shopping for a bathing suit over the weekend. Mistake number one was taking Jon with me. We were going through the rack of new, one-piece bathing suits at TJ Max. Jon came across a suit with a tag that read, "Miracle Suit. Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds." He innocently said, "Here you go honey, go try this one on." I gave him the one finger salute and told him I was going to wear my stretched out bathing suit with a tee shirt over the top. His comment was, "Oops!"

Mistake number two was trying on various styles of suits. I realize there are many I just can't wear anymore. I tried on one of those ladies racing Speedos I used to wear in high school, when I was on the swim team, 50 years ago. Pouches of beyond-middle-age flab scooshed out between the racing straps in the back. I told my daughter about it and she said, "Hey, Mom, just think, you've got a built-in flotation device."

The whole experience was like trying to stuff 10 pounds of horse pucky into a five pound bag. On top of it all, it happened on Mother's Day. After hearing my bathing suit story, everyone had a good laugh at my expense, including me. I rode the horses Sunday, had an elegant meal cooked by my very thoughtful son-in-law, got lots of hugs from my grandchildren, and decided that the Miracle Suit should be on Fibomercials and Scams.

In closing, I think this 67 year old body needs more than a miracle.

The Tooth Fairy and Bear

Yesterday was very traumatic for me. Bear went to the vet to have an infected tooth extracted. Dr. Bratton also cleaned the rest of his teeth and gave the boy a flouride treatment. The tough part was leaving my feline pal with the vet tech at 8:15 a.m. knowing I wouldn't be able to pick him up until 4:00 p.m. The actual surgery began at 9:00 a.m. It took all that time for the anesthesia to wear off before he could be released. While Bear was in la-la land, I was home worrying and teary-eyed.

Today Bear is doing well. He got his morning dose of pain meds, which will continue until the beginning of next week. The poor little guy had the inside of his hind leg shaved to accommodate the "gas line" they had to put in during surgery. He's a bit off, but much better than yesterday. In fact, yesterday he walked like he had one too many martinis. Today, he's much better, but a little groggy from the pain meds.

After what I was charged for the surgery, I forgot to get Bear's tooth; probably because I was in shock over  the cost. I could've put his tooth under my pillow for the tooth fairy. It's worth at least $317.

On the other hand, Bear would have probably eaten the tooth fairy in the middle of the night. Then I'd get a bag of horse pucky from her replacement instead of cash.

All things work out for the best. Bear's eating well, and having fun pouncing on shadows. I think he ate something flying around the office today. It may have been the tooth fairy.