We're back! It was a fun and interesting south Florida adventure. We have lots of funny stories. Key West and points north are conducive to funny stories.
Scenario: Mom's place in West Palm Beach after our trip to Key West.
Cast of characters: Jon (my sweetie), John (my son), Mom (age 91), and me.
Discussion: The conversation started out discussing sea food which gradually deteriorated from there.
Mom: So, how was Key West?
Me: 88 degrees with 92% humidity.
Jon: Did you know there's a "clothing optional" bar in Key West?
Mom: Sounds like it could be a nudy bar.
Me: Mother!
Jon: Yeah! You got it! It's a nude bar for patrons.
John: Do they serve crabs? chuckle chuckle
Mom: Definitely not the kind of crabs I'd want.
Me: I wonder if you have to check your clothes at the door?
Jon: You'd have to start a tab.
Me: I have an idea! We could start a family business. Let's design a bar stool with a specially designed paper towel roll. You could drape clean paper towels over the seats to keep things sanitary. Just rip off the used paper towel when you leave and roll up a clean one.
Everyone: Good idea.
And we were'nt even drinking. And the conversation turned into something a little more refined.
Mom: So, how's the horse pucky business?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Miracle Swimsuit
Jon and I are leaving on a ten day vacation to West Palm Beach, Boynton Beach, and Key West to visit my family and celebrate my mother's 91st birthday. The biggest problem in dealing with this trip is the fact that I need a new bathing suit. The one I currenly have is about 15 years old. The good news is: It still fits. The bad news is: It still fits because it has stretched along with my various body parts.
To make a long story short, I went shopping for a bathing suit over the weekend. Mistake number one was taking Jon with me. We were going through the rack of new, one-piece bathing suits at TJ Max. Jon came across a suit with a tag that read, "Miracle Suit. Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds." He innocently said, "Here you go honey, go try this one on." I gave him the one finger salute and told him I was going to wear my stretched out bathing suit with a tee shirt over the top. His comment was, "Oops!"
Mistake number two was trying on various styles of suits. I realize there are many I just can't wear anymore. I tried on one of those ladies racing Speedos I used to wear in high school, when I was on the swim team, 50 years ago. Pouches of beyond-middle-age flab scooshed out between the racing straps in the back. I told my daughter about it and she said, "Hey, Mom, just think, you've got a built-in flotation device."
The whole experience was like trying to stuff 10 pounds of horse pucky into a five pound bag. On top of it all, it happened on Mother's Day. After hearing my bathing suit story, everyone had a good laugh at my expense, including me. I rode the horses Sunday, had an elegant meal cooked by my very thoughtful son-in-law, got lots of hugs from my grandchildren, and decided that the Miracle Suit should be on Fibomercials and Scams.
In closing, I think this 67 year old body needs more than a miracle.
To make a long story short, I went shopping for a bathing suit over the weekend. Mistake number one was taking Jon with me. We were going through the rack of new, one-piece bathing suits at TJ Max. Jon came across a suit with a tag that read, "Miracle Suit. Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds." He innocently said, "Here you go honey, go try this one on." I gave him the one finger salute and told him I was going to wear my stretched out bathing suit with a tee shirt over the top. His comment was, "Oops!"
Mistake number two was trying on various styles of suits. I realize there are many I just can't wear anymore. I tried on one of those ladies racing Speedos I used to wear in high school, when I was on the swim team, 50 years ago. Pouches of beyond-middle-age flab scooshed out between the racing straps in the back. I told my daughter about it and she said, "Hey, Mom, just think, you've got a built-in flotation device."
The whole experience was like trying to stuff 10 pounds of horse pucky into a five pound bag. On top of it all, it happened on Mother's Day. After hearing my bathing suit story, everyone had a good laugh at my expense, including me. I rode the horses Sunday, had an elegant meal cooked by my very thoughtful son-in-law, got lots of hugs from my grandchildren, and decided that the Miracle Suit should be on Fibomercials and Scams.
In closing, I think this 67 year old body needs more than a miracle.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Tooth Fairy and Bear
Yesterday was very traumatic for me. Bear went to the vet to have an infected tooth extracted. Dr. Bratton also cleaned the rest of his teeth and gave the boy a flouride treatment. The tough part was leaving my feline pal with the vet tech at 8:15 a.m. knowing I wouldn't be able to pick him up until 4:00 p.m. The actual surgery began at 9:00 a.m. It took all that time for the anesthesia to wear off before he could be released. While Bear was in la-la land, I was home worrying and teary-eyed.
Today Bear is doing well. He got his morning dose of pain meds, which will continue until the beginning of next week. The poor little guy had the inside of his hind leg shaved to accommodate the "gas line" they had to put in during surgery. He's a bit off, but much better than yesterday. In fact, yesterday he walked like he had one too many martinis. Today, he's much better, but a little groggy from the pain meds.
After what I was charged for the surgery, I forgot to get Bear's tooth; probably because I was in shock over the cost. I could've put his tooth under my pillow for the tooth fairy. It's worth at least $317.
On the other hand, Bear would have probably eaten the tooth fairy in the middle of the night. Then I'd get a bag of horse pucky from her replacement instead of cash.
All things work out for the best. Bear's eating well, and having fun pouncing on shadows. I think he ate something flying around the office today. It may have been the tooth fairy.
Today Bear is doing well. He got his morning dose of pain meds, which will continue until the beginning of next week. The poor little guy had the inside of his hind leg shaved to accommodate the "gas line" they had to put in during surgery. He's a bit off, but much better than yesterday. In fact, yesterday he walked like he had one too many martinis. Today, he's much better, but a little groggy from the pain meds.
After what I was charged for the surgery, I forgot to get Bear's tooth; probably because I was in shock over the cost. I could've put his tooth under my pillow for the tooth fairy. It's worth at least $317.
On the other hand, Bear would have probably eaten the tooth fairy in the middle of the night. Then I'd get a bag of horse pucky from her replacement instead of cash.
All things work out for the best. Bear's eating well, and having fun pouncing on shadows. I think he ate something flying around the office today. It may have been the tooth fairy.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Parakeet Resusitation
It takes all kinds to make the world a better place, or maybe just a few folks who are a bit off center.
I love animals. Actually, I love anything that walks, crawls, flies, or slithers, except rattlesnakes, which I'm convinced I could train to become a wonderful household pet or possibly a dreaded terrorist bodyguard. Anyway, I took Bear to the vet today for his annual feline wellness exam, rabies shot, and three year distemper booster. The vet said, "If you think you love all God's creatures, wait until you hear this one!"
One of Dr. Bratton's clients brought her parakeet in for a check up. It was a beautiful bright green and yellow male parakeet named Cranston. She had Cranston for six years and even taught him to say a few words. Unfortunately, he wasn't talking the day she was scheduled to bring him to the vet. In fact he wasn't doing much of anything except just laying around. She thought all Cranston needed was to be resuscitated. When she brought him in to see the doctor, her poor little feathered friend was deader than a door nail. In fact he had been in birdie heaven for quite some time.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I did a little of both. Cranston was buried under the weeping cherry tree in her yard with a full funeral service. And that ain't no horse pucky.
I love animals. Actually, I love anything that walks, crawls, flies, or slithers, except rattlesnakes, which I'm convinced I could train to become a wonderful household pet or possibly a dreaded terrorist bodyguard. Anyway, I took Bear to the vet today for his annual feline wellness exam, rabies shot, and three year distemper booster. The vet said, "If you think you love all God's creatures, wait until you hear this one!"
One of Dr. Bratton's clients brought her parakeet in for a check up. It was a beautiful bright green and yellow male parakeet named Cranston. She had Cranston for six years and even taught him to say a few words. Unfortunately, he wasn't talking the day she was scheduled to bring him to the vet. In fact he wasn't doing much of anything except just laying around. She thought all Cranston needed was to be resuscitated. When she brought him in to see the doctor, her poor little feathered friend was deader than a door nail. In fact he had been in birdie heaven for quite some time.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I did a little of both. Cranston was buried under the weeping cherry tree in her yard with a full funeral service. And that ain't no horse pucky.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Over Under Debate
It appears that it's a toss-up as to how toilet paper rolls should be hung. Some say, if you hang the roll so it is dispensed from the bottom it's more difficult for cats to unravel. Another reader suggests using a GPS system to figure out the direction, and the most practical suggestion is to be sure you don't run out of toilet paper in the first place.
Are you ready for the real reason on how to dispense t.p.? According to the manufacturers of toilet paper, the rolls should be set up so they dispense from over the top of the roll. Why? So the quilted portion of the roll (which usually has the manufacturers logo on it) is visibile on the top side of the paper. So, there you have it. Right from the manufacturers mouths. And that ain't no horse pucky.
I can hardly wait for the smart alec comments I get on this one.
Are you ready for the real reason on how to dispense t.p.? According to the manufacturers of toilet paper, the rolls should be set up so they dispense from over the top of the roll. Why? So the quilted portion of the roll (which usually has the manufacturers logo on it) is visibile on the top side of the paper. So, there you have it. Right from the manufacturers mouths. And that ain't no horse pucky.
I can hardly wait for the smart alec comments I get on this one.
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