Fat Removal

Three weeks ago I had to have a fatty tumor removed from above my right eyebrow. It was nothing serious and turned out to be benign. The plastic surgeon gave me a shot of novacaine, lidocaine, and some other muscle relaxant that made me want to snooze for hours after surgery. Too bad I couldn't sleep during surgery. I was wide awake while Dr. O'Connor explained the whole procedure as he carefully made the first incision.

His first comment was, "Does it hurt?" And I said, "I thought that's what the novacaine plus was for; and no it doesn't hurt!" Then he gave me his good news bad news report during surgery. The good news was it indeed was a fatty tumor, nothing unusual. The bad news was it went deep and wrapped around a facial nerve and a muscle. 'Oh great,' I thought. So I asked him, "What does that mean?" "It means we have to go deeper than I thought and I'm not sure the novacaine plus will cover that."

I gritted my teeth, sat on my hands so I wouldn't lose control, and said three Hail Marys. The worse that happened pain-wise was a slight pinching feeling when he cut into the muscle. After that it was a serene experience. That injection he gave me had something in it besides novacaine. I was ecstatically happy for 24 hours...until the injected coctail wore off.

The lump is gone from my forehead. The incision is healing. Now I have to figure out how to get Dr. O'Connor to remove the rest of the fat from my body. Then I'll be really happy.

Golf, Drilling for Oil, and Insanity

After 25 years, I decided to take up golf again. I was pretty good as a teenager, which was fifty some years ago. In fact, my Dad wanted me to go pro, but I was addicted to horses and went the equine route instead. Now I know why I stuck with the horses.

First time out with my new/used clubs was not too bad. I got all enthused and decided to play again the second day. Big mistake. I hit a tree more than once and was actually going backward on the course instead of forward. In fact, when I was supposed to be on the fourth hole I was actually on the second hole. Trees have a way of spitting the ball in the opposite direction.

My next great fete was drilling for oil. I kept trying to hit the ball but only managed to take loads of turf behind the ball, without hitting it, at least five times. I think I discovered oil on the 7th hole. It's a public course, so I'm hoping I won't have to pay taxes this year due to my oil dig.

This is the most insane sport I have ever tried to master. The inconsistency of it all is extremely frustrating. Every so often I'd hit a great shot, then nothing. Last week I went to the driving range to figure out what I was doing wrong as well as right. I think I've got it.

Can't wait 'til I go out again. I may have to play late at night, with one of those mega flashlights, when no one else is around. I can still hear the laughter, as a crowd gathered on my second day out after 25 years, to see if I would strike oil on the 7th hole.

Hand Grenades and Leaf Blowers

All the rules and regulations for flight travel are astounding at first glance. However, it's all pretty simple as to what you are allowed to take on board. I found out you can put just about anything into your suitcase as long as you check it at the baggage counter before boarding and pay $15 going and another $15 coming back, as long as your luggage weighs under 40 pounds. I don't know what happens if your suitcase weighs more than 40 pounds. They probably take your first born child.

My second favorite "not allowed on the plane" rule is NO HAND GRENADES. Duh! No kidding! The only reason I can think of for this rule is military personnel who are traveling. But then why would they travel with hand grenades? They know better.

My absolute favorite rule of all is (drum roll please) NO LEAF BLOWERS. Are you joshing me?! If my job required traveling with a leaf blower, I'd be looking for another line of work. Maybe the leaf blower could be used as a hair dryer or a dehumidifier or...never mind.

Just a word to the wise, leave those hand grenades and leaf blowers home or you may miss your flight. AND bring plenty of cash and at least one of your children.

Clean Underwear

Mothers always have wonderful pearls of wisdom that escape me after really thinking about them. My favorite one is, "Make sure you always wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident and have to go to the hospital."

Who cares about clean underwear when your body becomes road ravioli after a car accident. Maybe my mother was thinking about other hospital situations such as your water breaking upon going into labor, then you have no time for clean underwear. Or rolling around on the floor trying to pass a kidney stone, then you are in too much pain to pull a pair of underwear over one leg.

So much for those pearls of wisdom. At least I don't wear my undies inside out when they get dirty.

Tube Steaks and RVs

Yipes! I went from a blog post a day to nothing since June 23rd. All I can say is, life happens.

One Horse Pucky reader thought I went back down to Florida for tube steaks, and another person emailed me and thought I was tied up in an RV park, in no man's land. More on that later.

Just for the record, I was eating tube steaks at home, but not tied up. Many thanks to those of you who were concerned. FYI: Tube steaks are hot dogs where I come from.

Well, I'm back into some sort of a routine now. Life isn't quite so topsy turvy, just topsy. Everyone in the family is healthy, happy, and productive. Horses are full of pep and vigor, Bear cat just shredded the morning paper, and I'm ready to answer calls for my daughter who has a medical practice, but is out of town for the week.

Hopefully none of her patients will die laughing.