Every now and then I get into a nostalgic mood. I never know what'll pop into my head. Yesterday I was thinking about my old childhood favorites Howdy Doody and Captain Kangaroo. What I didn't know is that Bob Keeshan was not only Captain Kangaroo, but he was the original Clarabell the Clown on The Howdy Doody Show. Just a bit of trivia. But, I digress.
My funniest memory of the captain was the day he made an on-air faux pas. My children were watching the show in black and white and enjoying the captain's antics along with Mr. Moose, and Mr. Greenjeans. At the end of the hour, I thought the show was over and Bob Keshan thought CBS had signed off. The next words out of his mouth were, "That ought to satisfy the little bastards for a while." Those words will live in my mind forever because I laughed so hard my stomach ached.
As I recall, it was tough explaining to my children what was so funny. In fact, I believe I changed the subject and got them ready to go outside to play.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Bump and Grind
It had to happen sooner or later. With all the snow and ice yesterday, I bumped (or rather slid) into the right fender of a parked car with my pick up truck. I managed to grind ground black rubber from the truck's rear bumper step pad into, and all along, the car's right rear fender. It made a rather surrealistic feathered design on the parked car. It was quite artsy, really. However, the claims appraiser didn't agree with my artistic approach to auto detailing.
The long and short of it is, the owners of the vehicle were very understanding. Probably because my insurance company will pay for all damages, plus the cost of a rental car.
The whole experience was positive. My insurance company had the whole thing resolved in less than three hours. My neighbors, whose car I hit, think I'm wonderful for reporting it in the first place. And, as for me, I'm not leaving the house until the spring thaw, which could be June in upstate NY.
The long and short of it is, the owners of the vehicle were very understanding. Probably because my insurance company will pay for all damages, plus the cost of a rental car.
The whole experience was positive. My insurance company had the whole thing resolved in less than three hours. My neighbors, whose car I hit, think I'm wonderful for reporting it in the first place. And, as for me, I'm not leaving the house until the spring thaw, which could be June in upstate NY.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Jail or Taxes: Which Do You Prefer?
Oh goody! It's that time of year when I start getting my tax forms along with the IRS Forms and Instructions booklet. This is supposed to be a guide book. A guide dog would be better.
Let's take a look at Schedule A - Itemized Deductions (The word itemized is an open invitation for someone with a creative and over-active imagination that could result in possible jail time.)
1. Medical and Dental Expenses: Enter amount you paid during the year on line 36 of whatever form your supposed to use, then multiply line 2 by the age of your first born daughter. If you have a son you have to give him away to the nearest IRS representative who is closest to the district you live in.
2. Taxes You Paid: State, Local, real estate, personal property, and other taxes. Taxes on water, air, and any passing of gas. We all know methane gas pollutes the atmosphere, so a tax on farts is to be expected.
3. Interest You Paid: Home mortgage, interest not reported on other forms, points, and investments. Speaking of Interest, what if I'm just plain not interested in doing my taxes? Maybe I'd qualify for an upper level prison bunk.
4. Gifts to Charity: You must attach form 8283 if over $500. If you are the charity...say nothing.
5. Casualty and Theft Losses: Attach form 4684. If you've done the stealing...again, say nothing.
6. Job Expenses: I wonder if I can deduct cat food this year. Bear keeps me sane...sort of. Or would that fall under medical expenses?
7. Other Miscellaneous Deductions: Hourly wage for napping. Snacks to keep me productive during working hours. Packaging for the horse pucky I put in gift bags and sell. Oops, I forgot, the packaging goes into a whole different category and on another form with a tax ID #. Yup, now horse pucky has its own tax ID#.
When I add up all the Total Itemized Deductions and subtract them from my annual income, I come up with a big fat $0. My son is too old to give away to the IRS and it turns out they don't want him anyway. It's better he works to help support the government.
Let's take a look at Schedule A - Itemized Deductions (The word itemized is an open invitation for someone with a creative and over-active imagination that could result in possible jail time.)
1. Medical and Dental Expenses: Enter amount you paid during the year on line 36 of whatever form your supposed to use, then multiply line 2 by the age of your first born daughter. If you have a son you have to give him away to the nearest IRS representative who is closest to the district you live in.
2. Taxes You Paid: State, Local, real estate, personal property, and other taxes. Taxes on water, air, and any passing of gas. We all know methane gas pollutes the atmosphere, so a tax on farts is to be expected.
3. Interest You Paid: Home mortgage, interest not reported on other forms, points, and investments. Speaking of Interest, what if I'm just plain not interested in doing my taxes? Maybe I'd qualify for an upper level prison bunk.
4. Gifts to Charity: You must attach form 8283 if over $500. If you are the charity...say nothing.
5. Casualty and Theft Losses: Attach form 4684. If you've done the stealing...again, say nothing.
6. Job Expenses: I wonder if I can deduct cat food this year. Bear keeps me sane...sort of. Or would that fall under medical expenses?
7. Other Miscellaneous Deductions: Hourly wage for napping. Snacks to keep me productive during working hours. Packaging for the horse pucky I put in gift bags and sell. Oops, I forgot, the packaging goes into a whole different category and on another form with a tax ID #. Yup, now horse pucky has its own tax ID#.
When I add up all the Total Itemized Deductions and subtract them from my annual income, I come up with a big fat $0. My son is too old to give away to the IRS and it turns out they don't want him anyway. It's better he works to help support the government.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Naked Cowboy
This guy's name is Robert John Burck, a street performer in Time Square, wearing only cowboy boots, a hat, and briefs, with a strategically placed guitar which gives the illusion of nudity. He does this in the winter too! Br-r-r-r!
He's cute, but I think his behavior is a tad strange even for NYC. Jon says, "You can think he's weird if you want to, but I guarantee, he's laughing all the way to the bank! I may decide to do this in Rochester." "Oh brother!", I said, "You don't know how to play the guitar."
Just a quick aside, in 2012, Mr. Burck is running for President of the United States under the Tea Party movement. I can see it all now...President, Naked Cowboy and Vice President, Manhattan Madam. Their tag line could be: We plan on exposing our government for what it really is and keeping you abreast of our latest strategies.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Fried Eyebrows
It's amazing I'm still alive and still live in this country. I did a lot of really dumb things as a kid. You know, the kinds of things that are totally dangerous, and that made my parents want to ship me off to Siberia.
There were four of us who used to hang out together; Vi, Irene, my brother, and me. We played sand lot baseball, picked berries, weeded the vegetable garden, and were, all in all, pretty good kids, except when we decided to do something that, in our minds, was fun and cool, but was really hazardous to our well being. We had no clue about cause and effect.
One summer day we decided to build a campfire in the vacant lot next to a construction site. I ran home and found matches in the kitchen drawer, while my brother picked up some old newspapers. Vi and Irene grabbed a bag of marshmallows from their kitchen cupboard, then we all worked together to gather long sticks for the roast. I tell you, it was a well orchestrated group worthy of CEO status.
We were having a great time toasting marshmallows when an old paint can from the construction site caught my eye. I jogged over to the site, picked up the paint can, and brought it back to the fire. It was my idea to try and open the paint can so we could paint some weathered spots on our house. I tried as hard as I could to pry open the paint can lid, but it wouldn't come off. I did the next most logical thing a ten year old would do...I held it over the fire to melt the dried paint so the lid would come off.
To make a long story short, the lid blew off the can. All four of us were covered from head to toe with splatters of white paint. I fried my eyebrows and singed my hair. We were all in a heap of trouble, expecially me.
I went home, threw my clothes away and took a shower. My bangs were nothing but stubs sticking straight up from my forehead, and I didn't have much left of my eyebrows. At the dinner table that night my Dad said, "What happened to your hair?!" "Nothin'" "Whatdyamean, nothing?!" I was coerced into telling Dad what happened. He said, "Do you realize you could have been killed?!" And I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't, and it's no big deal anyway."
I got sent to my room for a very long time...which is where I learned to read and write and draw pretty pictures. I'll always be thankful I didn't get sent to Siberia.
There were four of us who used to hang out together; Vi, Irene, my brother, and me. We played sand lot baseball, picked berries, weeded the vegetable garden, and were, all in all, pretty good kids, except when we decided to do something that, in our minds, was fun and cool, but was really hazardous to our well being. We had no clue about cause and effect.
One summer day we decided to build a campfire in the vacant lot next to a construction site. I ran home and found matches in the kitchen drawer, while my brother picked up some old newspapers. Vi and Irene grabbed a bag of marshmallows from their kitchen cupboard, then we all worked together to gather long sticks for the roast. I tell you, it was a well orchestrated group worthy of CEO status.
We were having a great time toasting marshmallows when an old paint can from the construction site caught my eye. I jogged over to the site, picked up the paint can, and brought it back to the fire. It was my idea to try and open the paint can so we could paint some weathered spots on our house. I tried as hard as I could to pry open the paint can lid, but it wouldn't come off. I did the next most logical thing a ten year old would do...I held it over the fire to melt the dried paint so the lid would come off.
To make a long story short, the lid blew off the can. All four of us were covered from head to toe with splatters of white paint. I fried my eyebrows and singed my hair. We were all in a heap of trouble, expecially me.
I went home, threw my clothes away and took a shower. My bangs were nothing but stubs sticking straight up from my forehead, and I didn't have much left of my eyebrows. At the dinner table that night my Dad said, "What happened to your hair?!" "Nothin'" "Whatdyamean, nothing?!" I was coerced into telling Dad what happened. He said, "Do you realize you could have been killed?!" And I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't, and it's no big deal anyway."
I got sent to my room for a very long time...which is where I learned to read and write and draw pretty pictures. I'll always be thankful I didn't get sent to Siberia.
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