Horse Pucky Invention

Yesterday I talked about my new invention for horse pucky. Today I'll tell you what it is.

I figured out I can take frozen horse pucky and spray paint it with two different colors of flourescent paint; bright pink for the ladies, and neon yellow for the guys. "Why", you ask? So that you can see them in the snow when you play golf in the winter. Think about it. It's a win-win situation.

The golf courses can stay open during the winter months, employees can enjoy full pay insead of collecting unemployment, and golfers can still play golf. At the end of 18 holes the golfers can throw their horse pucky golf balls out onto the fairway. When the horse pucky defrosts in the spring, the course is automatically and organically fertilized, saving money for expensive fertilizers and the greens keepers oodles of time.

Pro shops can sell frozen horse pucky in recycled egg cartons; one dozen for the ladies in hot pink and one dozen for the gents in neon yellow. Storage is easy. They can be kept in a tool shed so they don't defrost.

So far there are two interested buyers. This could change the whole concept of the golfing industry as we know it. Next...winter polo!

Frozen Horse Pucky

Yup. Here it is. Beautiful upstate New York in winter. At least that's what it looked like last week. It took a couple of days to get shoveled out, then three days later it got warm...57 degrees. I actually have flowers blooming in my gardens. I threw some fresh horse pucky into both the front and back garden, did a bit of mulching, and expect to have mutant plants by spring.

I suspect it will turn cold and snowy within the next few days. That's okay with me. I think snow is beautiful. It offers me some time to hunker down and reflect. When it's cold and snowy I fix a cup of hot, steaming chocolate topped with miniature marshmallows. Bear, being the curious cat he is, likes to check out what's in that steaming mug and ends up getting his little black nose stuck to a marshmallow.

My reflections on a cold winter days usually end up with ideas on 'how to use what you have and make money'. Keep in mind, my ideas don't always produce income, but I have fun trying. This time I came up with a new invention for frozen horse pucky. Can't tell you about it now, 'cause I have to feed Bear. Tomorrow is another day. I think Scarlet O'Hara said that in Gone With The Wind. I wonder if there was horse pucky at Tara?

Kitty Cat Crazies

It's that time of year. We have at least 10 inches of snow that fell since 9:00 a.m. today. Bear loves going hunting in the woods behind our house, but today was not the day for him. Ten inches of snow is just too much for the little guy to run through. Besides, all the rodents are hibernating, so the hunting looks pretty bleak.

As the day wore on, Bear got bored. He shredded my LL Bean catalog, and then destroyed an article I had written on a yellow legal pad. His teeth make great paper shredders.

As soon as I finished cleaning up shredded paper, I heard "thunder paws" tearing through the house at warp speed. He was waiting for me at the top of the stairs. When I spotted him, I made a "Pss-t" sound and he ran down the carpeted stairs, hit the linoleum floor and then skidded six feet, knocking over his water dish.

After that he disappeared for about three hours. He finds secret hiding places for his naps. One of his favorite spots is his cat condo; a posh cat carrier with a lambs wool liner that sits on a shelf in the family room.

Yup, it's that time of year when Bear gets the kitty cat crazies. I can't imagine what he'll be like in February. At least it's peaceful when he takes his three hour naps.

Drag Races...Key West Style

My daughter lives in Key West, Florida. When I went to visit, I was invited to a drag race. My idea of a drag race and Key West's idea of a drag race are two different things.

Drag racing in Rochester, NY involves cars. Drag racing in Key West, FL involves guys dressed up like women who race in high heels, sometimes pushing a shopping cart past the finish line. Let me tell you it's a hoot to watch! It's an annual event and draws all kinds of tourists and locals who pay to watch the extravaganza, bringing in dollars to support the community.

I wonder if this will catch on in Rochester? We have a deficit in our budget right now. If we could get the mayor, police chief, and local DA to dress up like ladies, we could charge an admission fee and call it the "Snow Queen Festival". I'll bet we'd bring in millions.

The Tidy Bowl Man

Have you ever wondered why cats drink out of the toilet? I think about it often, when I'm stuck in traffic.

Bear is one of the most delightful felines I've ever had the pleasure to live with. He has his own personalized drinking bowl along side his matching food dishes (filled with an assortment of healthy food), which I refer to as "The Kitty Cat Buffet". So why does he like to drink out of the toilet? Maybe because the water is clean, clear, and ice cold. Or is it a guy thing?


In any case, I asked our veterinarian about this toilet bowl fetish cats have, and he said, "They drink out of toilet bowls because they have little kitty cat brains." This is an answer from a guy who graduated magna cum laude from Cornell Veterinary School. He's also a dear friend and says I need to get a life and not think too seriously about why cats drink out of toilet bowls.

When my son came up from Florida for a visit, he caught Bear drinking out of our porcelain watering hole. He nick-named the cat "The Tidy Bowl Man". I took a picture, which is worth a thousand words. I guess that says it all.

Tacky Christmas Gifts

Every year, I hear about some really tacky Christmas gifts. The gifts weren't meant to be tacky, such as a gag gift. It's just that the the gift giver actually thought he was doing the right thing. I use the word "he" not to pick on men, but to share with you what some guys think are great gifts for their spouses.

Tacky gift #1: corn remover pads as a stocking stuffer.
Tacky gift #2: a Wonder bra.
Tacky gift #3: tickets to a tractor pull.
Tacky gift #4: gift certificate for two to McDonald's. (probably after the tractor pull)
Tacky gift #5: a snow blower (something I might like)
Really tacky gift #6: two gold bracelets, each with a different name engraved on it. Too bad the bracelets got mixed up. "Carol's" gold bracelet went to "Sue" and "Sue's" bracelet went to "Carol". OOPS!

It could be worse, I could be married to one of those guys...as long it was tacky gift #5.

Woozles

Now I know I've totally lost my mind. Must be a combination of the frigid air the last couple of days and horse pucky fumes.

This time of year the horses are double blanketd so they're warm and toasty. When I went to groom Sadie, I found a solidified mass of horse hair inside her waterproof turnout blanket. The gray-white hairy mass is perfectly round and is about the size of one of those cosmetic sponges you buy at the drug store.

I figure I can market this round hairy patch of horse hair as a Woozle. I'm so facinated by the Woozle, I decided to write about it and market it as a childrens story or possibly a book for crazy people. If you buy the Woozle book, you'll also get a genuine horse hair Woozle with it. I may even throw in a bag of Horsie Delights as a bonus gift. (See Nov. 24 post: Truly Unique Christmas Gift...Horsie Delights ).

The owner of the barn suggested I call the Woozle a natual beauty aid and make billions instead of millions. It's a tough choice, children's book, or beauty aid...or maybe both. You get two for the price of one. What value! I might even make trillions.

As you've probably guessed, this time of year we get a little "squirrely" after riding and doing barn chores...and it's only December. We'll be ready for "R-Wing" by February! Maybe by then we'll be multi millionaires from selling all those Woozles. Next stop Tahiti.

Leftovers and Leftunders

Thanksgiving was great! I'm so full of turkey 'n' trimmings that I'm really too lazy today to come up with anything creative, so I borrowed a portion of a funny poem my cousin-in-law, Mike, just sent me. It's a poem that reflects the typical turkey coma most of us experience Thanksgiving day and the leftovers that follow.

"'Twill be Turkish leftovers, and left-unders, too;
There'll be soups, plates 'n' 'wiches, with stuffing and stew.
I can guess at our menu for the next dozen days;
Turkey this, Turkey that, in a post-Turkish haze.

That's enough of this stuff, for December's 'most here.
We each gobbled gobbler, and each drank his cheer.
So I wish you this tiding, this Thanksgiving thought:
May you live life quite fully, and enjoy what God's wrought."

Thanks for the chuckle, Mike. Now it's time to put on the long johns, lace up the sneakers, and go for a jog. Or maybe a brisk walk. Or maybe take a nap.

Is It Pubic or Public?

Every once in a while I really screw up. Today it happened. It was a lollapalooza of a mistake. Before I send anything out, I always proofread what I write at least three times. Today, because I was in a hurry, I only proofread once and then sent out a letter addressed to: (name withheld to protect the unprotected), Director of Pubic Relations, instead of Public Relations.

It just goes to show you how one alphabetic character can change the whole flavor (so to speak) of a document. The main point here is, BE SURE TO PROOFREAD MORE THAN ONCE BEFORE YOU SEND ANYTHING OUT!

Take Orally

It's amazes me how people can be so dumb. I've always wondered why the words "take orally" are printed on a bottle of birth control pills. My thought is, 'How else would you take them?' Twenty years ago "take orally" was not printed on the bottle label. My curiosity got the better of me, so I asked my Ob-Gyn.

My doctor told me he prescribed birth control pills to one of his patients because she didn't want to get pregnant (which is the usual, but not only reason "the pill" is prescribed). Three months later, she found out she was going to have a baby and tried to sue him. Turns out she inserted the pill vaginally rather than taking them orally!

Are people dumber now than they were 20 years ago or do they just have no common sense whatsoever? It just goes to show you, don't assume anything and CYA. By the way, the case was thrown out of court. I'm sure the A.M.A. lawyers had a field day with that one. I sure did.

Totally Unique Christmas Gift...Horsie Delights

Are you stuck for ideas as to what to get that 'someone special' for Christmas? You came to the right place. In fact, our bags of Horsie Delights® are flying off the shelf.

Seriously folks, people give their bosses, spouses, friends, and family Horsie Delights® as gag gifts. One lady told me, "I've always wanted to give my husband a bag of shit for Christmas." She bought a bag for $7.00!

For serious gardeners, the patented de-hydrating process we use, makes Horsie Delights® the perfect gift for those who want to keep their indoor house plants perky over the cold winter months. I use them on my indoor plants, and they flourish.

Horsie Delights® is 100% organic. The bag is the size of a standard lunch bag and only cost $7.00/bag, which includes tax, shipping, and handling. Laughter is free.

If you're interested, I'll send you a bag. For a lot laughs, healthy plants, and a truly unique Christmas gift, buy a bag of Horsie Delights® while they last. We even have sweatshirts with our infamous logo. The cuddly, long sleeve, sweatshirts are $25.00 which includes tax, shipping, and handling.

As soon as I figure out how to put Pay Pal on this blog, we're in business. Until then, I accept personal checks by snail mail.

Happy Holidays from the Horsie Delights staff, especially our manufacturing team.

Guantanamo Bay Resort and Spa

There's a lot of horse pucky flying around lately about what to do with the Afghanistan and Iraqi detainees at Guantanamo Bay. Poor Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are shaking their heads and scratching their...er...ears wondering what to do. I have the perfect solution. Turn Guantanamo Bay into a resort, casino, and spa. It's in a perfect spot for tourists, especially the Russians. We all know a successful business depends on location, location, location.

Guantanamo Bay is located at the southeastern end of Cuba. It was discovered in 1494 by Columbus and still has a restaurant there he started. It's called Chris's Arroz con Polla and Beans. Anyway, the beaches are gorgeous, the views are stunning (as long as you don't stare too long at the orange jumpsuits the detainees are wearing), and the weather is temperate...about 78-85 degrees with cool ocean breezes. Unless there's a hurricane. Then it's 78-85 degrees with enough wind to blow your sandals off.

Currently the U.S. is leasing the land, 45 square miles, for about $4,000/year. Yup, that's right, four thousand dollars a year, which is a lopsided deal the U.S. made with Cuba back in 1934. Casto thinks the U.S. government is made up of a bunch of capitalist pigs so he decided not to cash any of the checks out of spite. I agree with the pig part, but I would definitely cash the checks.

Here's my plan. Since the U.S. has already invested $12 million in a wind project in Cuba for all their power needs, we could add that to all the checks Castro hasn't cashed yet, pick up some investors in Dubai, Afghanistan, Iraq, and the U.S. and build a huge five-star hotel complete with a spa, casiono and nightclub.

First, we'd have to clean up the prison area. Then we could hire all the detainees, along with the 9,500 U.S. sailors and marines we have over there and exchange their orange jumpsuits and military uniforms for tuxes, but only after they clean up the prison area. They could all operate the resort, spa and casino.

Think about it. It's a win-win situation for everyone. There's job creation...jobs that are fun, economic stimulus for both Cuba and the U.S., and the world will get to see Christopher Columbus' first, authentic Spanish-Cuban restaurant.

Cuba really is a gorgeous place. Let's turn it into a tourist attraction. Hey, we could call it Club Gitmo!

Christmas Has Gone to the Dogs

Believe or not, I received fan-email from a dog named Yuri. First I'll give you some historic background

I donated a table top Christmas tree to the Granger Homestead in Canandaigua, NY. The tree is decorated with dog bisquits and various colored ribbon and yarn. It is one of many trees, wreaths, and mantle displays donated for their silent auction, with the proceeds from the auction used to support the Homestead, a beautiful 1816 Federal-style house and historic landmark.

Enter Yuri. He's a guide dog in training. Trainer and handler, Bonnie Kelly, gives her time and talent so others can "see" through the use of these wonderful dogs. Yuri and Bonnie were visitors to the Granger Homestead, enjoying the lovely holiday decorations, and picked up one of my business cards.

Above is a picture Bonnie sent me of Yuri. Below is the actual fan-email I received yesterday. I was touched on many levels. Yuri made my day.

"My Guide Dog in training seems to feel your tree was better than the Guiding Eyes for the Blind tree. Just thought you would like to see one of your fans."

-Bonnie Kelly, trainer

I'll have to make a dog bisquit tree especially for Yuri.

Make Millions in Your Pajamas

I just received my bazillionth email telling me I can make over a six figure income, in my p.j.s, working only two hours a day from home as a copywriter. It bothers me how organizations can get away with promoting those kinds of claims. I think I've figured it out.

First of all it depends on what kind of copywriting we're talking about. The email ads aren't too specific. Second of all, the type of jammies I wear is important. If they are my usual footie, flannel ones it won't work. If the p.j.s are slinky and see-through it might.

Knowing that our state governer, Elliot Spitzer, hired a call girl for $3,000 an hour last year, a six figure income is totally realistic only working two hours a day from home. Just think, I can write ad copy promoting my services.

When all is said and done, I'd rather stay in my flannel, Sponge Bob Square Pants, footie jammies my grandkids gave me for Christmas last year. I'll continue to work days at a respectable job, and clack away at the keyboard, in the evening, with the hope I'll eventually make a living as a writer.

Pants on Fire

"Liar, liar, pants on fire. Your nose is as long as a telephone wire. " Or how about, "Roses are red, violets are blue, gargabe stinks and so do you." I was having a '50s flashback today, remembering all the awful things I used to say to my brother when we were kids.

I also thought about the many times my brother and I sat in our grandfather's over-stuffed, green leather chair, drawing mustaches on the models' pictures in my grandmother's favorite fashion magazines. We were a team. We had something in common...subverting the adults.

Things have changed. My brother's a Republican; I'm a Democrat. He still likes Bush; I think Bush is full of...well...horse pucky. He likes the hot Florida weather, I like cold, upstate New York winters. We have nothing in common.

I miss that over-stuffed green leather chair full of fond memories. It's been replaced with contentious political discourse, disagreement about the weather, and a general feeling of wanting to revert back to the, "Liar, liar pants on fire..." days of childhood.

Kitty Litter Cake

Looks like used kitty litter doesn't it? It's supposed to. Actually it's my birthday cake from last year.

My daughter and three grandchildren concocted the masterpiece out of vanilla wafers, cake mix, chocolate pudding, and tootsie rolls, complete with a litter pan (brand new and unused of course), and a cat pooper-scooper tied with a strip of newspaper. There's even newspaper under the "litter" pan. Gotta love their humor.

I can't wait until my birthday this year. Maybe they'll make me a horse pucky cake. One thing for sure, their cakes are delicious. But all the laughter is even better.

Superbowl Ad for 2008

One of my dreams is to create a superbowl ad that will rival every advertising agency in the country. I needed an athletic and handsome model, so I decided to use Bear in the ad. For those of you who are new to ths blog, Bear is my cat. We all know how popular animals are when trying to sell a product...especially beer. I'm not too sure what we're trying to sell here. Who cares?

The important thing is to be sure to check out the quarterback tuck-and-roll technique Bear uses in the video. In fact after this video is watched, I know my phone will be ringing off the hook with agents calling to sign us to a huge contract.

Bail Me Out

You know what? The $780 billion bailout bonanza is a bust! That money could've been used much more effectively to bolster the economy. Every American should have been given $300,000 instead.

Yup, that's right. $780 billion equates to $300,000 for each family in the U.S. We would be able to pay off our homes, credit cards, and have enough health insurance to take care of everyone.

With the holidays coming I'd be able to buy some really nice gifts for my family, further boosting our economy. As usual, Uncle Sam bailed out the wrong people. He should've asked me what to do.

How Did Ernie Do It?

I don't know how Ernest Hemingway was able to write with 69 cats around him all the time. I have one and he can be a pest sometimes. There were no computers in Ernie's day, only manual typewriters (remember them?). Maybe his cats got their tales caught in the carriage return, which eventually kept the little fur balls away from his writing area.

My cat, Bear, likes to sit on the computer keyboard, and vie for my attention; and always when I'm in the middle of a writing project. He's been known to delete a half days work. If I could only teach him how to type instead of hit the delete button! Oh well, it's a start. Besides, he's a handsome little guy who loves me unconditionally. That alone is worth a half days work.

Drip Drip Drip...Love

Someone told me I need to slow down and smell the coffee, so I did. I not only smelled it, I stood and watched and listened and heard the drip, drip, fizzle sound the electric coffee pot makes while it perked my favorite brew.

It stopped me long enough to reconnect to familiar smells and places only reserved for special people who are no longer physically here. Great love has a way of doing that.

Bring Back the '50s

What would happen if no one paid their taxes? Or their monthly health care premiums? Gee, maybe we'd have enough money left over for food and an occasional movie. Remember when you could buy a candy bar for a nickel? Imagine that! I think we should bring back the '50s.

Property and school tax didn't go into effect until 1950. Now we are taxed right out of our homes. I never had to pay for health care. Now part of my monthly income goes to the health care industry. What happened to the '50s?

I decided to go back in time, which many of us aging boomers do, and pull up some '50s figures.

This is what I found:

bag of horse pucky: free

candy bar: $.o5

average house: $14,500

income: $3,216

Ford car: $1339-$2262

Philco model 1403 TV: $199

12" records: $4.85 10" records: $2.85 (Remember those?)

Milk: $.82

Gas: $.20

Bread $.14

Postage stamp: $.03

Pumpkins : $.02 cents a lb

Campbell’s Pork & Beans - (2) 1 lb. cans: $.25

Sirloin steak: $.77 lb

Kraft Mayonnaise - quart jar: $.62

I think it's interesting that milk costs more than gas. Read it and weep.

Ode de Horse

After cleaning stalls yesterday, I stopped by our local grocery store to pick up a few essentials. As usual, the check out lines were long when I first walked in. I figured, by the time I picked up what I needed the lines would be shorter. I was wrong. I took the grocery cart with my goodies, and stood at the end of the line, waiting my turn. Two people ahead of me took their groceries and moved to another check out line. "Hot dog!", I said to myself. I was out of the store quicker than two flicks of a horses tail.

Shovelling horse pucky is one of my favorite things to do...seriously. It's honest work, good exercise, and it clears out my sinuses. The only problem is I smell like a horse when I'm done. What a great way to get ahead in the grocery line!

Hope for Unity

This is certainly a day to celebrate. It's a day of historical significance. It's a day when the Pledge of Allegiance takes on even more meaning. It's a day I thought I would never see in my lifetime; the election of an African-American president. It's a wake-up call to our politicians that we, as Americans, are not going to put up with poor performance from our elected officials.

God bless you, Barrack Obama and your beautiful family. I don't envy you your job. I did vote for you because I think you are up for the difficult challenge that lies ahead. Peace be with you.

Free Coffee

It's free, free, free. Hot diggity dog...oops...I mean hot steamin' coffee!

If you still don't know who you are voting for yet...tsk, tsk, or if you hate politics and are not voting at all...we need to talk later.

FYI: Starbucks is offering a tall, fresh brewed coffee if you go into any store and tell them you voted. That's a pretty good incentive to get out and vote even if you dislike this political game. You owe it to your country to vote. Good for Starbucks for giving us that added incentive.

Guns, Pro-Life, and the Electoral Vote

What a scary thought! Just when I thought Halloween was over, I discovered Rosie Palker-Havel, a gun toting pro-lifer who is going around Lake County, Ohio disseminating fliers to her neighborhood, touting the benefits of voting the McCain-Palin ticket...and in a pink cowboy hat no less.

I have no problem with what people wear, what they believe in, or who they vote for, but I do have a problem with a person who holds a gun in her hand, while pontificating pro-life. Rosie's pink cowboy hat and frizzy, bleached blond hair speaks volumes about the intelligence of voters in this Lake County community. I don't get it. How can Rosie call herself a pro-lifer while blowing someone into smithereens with her gun?

Good grief! Talk about a paradox! Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton are rolling over in their graves! The real scary part to all of this is, which candidate will capture Ohio's critical 20 electoral votes?

Halloween Candy has a Price

Halloween has always been fun for me. My, how things have changed! We're raising a bunch of wimps.

When I was a kid, I remember the grown-ups, whose door bells we rang, always had tricks up their sleeves to scare us. Their philosophy was, if you want candy prepare to be scared...and we were. I embraced that tradition when I became the adult answering the door to all the trick or treaters, wearing some sort of scary costume I created.

This year I got in trouble. An irate parent was upset because I scared his eight year old son when I answered the door, wearing a wolf mask. My comment was, "If you don't want to be scared then I suggest you give up Halloween." Furthermore, it was 10:30 pm at night when this guy rang my doorbell. I told him I didn't appreciate him ringing my doorbell at that hour. Too bad that his twerpy kid was so scared he forgot to take his candy...which I ate, enjoying every minute of it. I can't wait 'til next Halloween 'cause irate parents will be getting a treat bag with fresh horse pucky.

New Home No Taxes

Now I know why none of the politicians are going to raise taxes. Are you ready? There won't be any taxes to raise due to unemployment and foreclosures. Without income and property ownership, there is no more money for the government. Of course, I'm sure the federal government with find a way to tax the air we breath.

I've decided to live in a teepee in the forest and go totally "green". I already know how to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, and I have enough polar fleece in my wardrobe to last a lifetime. I'll use my horses for transportation and their horse pucky to fertilize my forest garden. As long as our local government doesn't go to full assessment on my teepee, I should be financially secure for the rest of my life.

Think Outside the Box

Which one of these locations would you choose as your final resting place?

I'm an environmentally conscious person, and have decided to take ecology sensitivity to the grave. I want to go green when I die. So, here's the deal. I want to be buried without chemicals in a biodegradable shroud in the forest. I figure I will help fertilize those wonderful woodland mushrooms my family and I love eating on our salads.

There is actually a company called The Center for Natural Burial that will accommodate my wishes. The closest burial site is in Maine and is called Rainbow's End...and that's no horse pucky.

How's that for thinking outside the box?!

Health Care Reform is Horse Pucky

I was doing some research on campaign contributions from HMOs because I've been curious about how much campaign money comes from the health care industry. What I found were some pretty staggering figures. It has proved what I've suspected all along. Our federal government is being bought off by wealthy HMO CEOs. It's downright scary.

In 1990, when life was more affordable, the HMOs donated $310,323 to the Democratic Party and $130,682 to the Republican Party. In 2008, when you can't even afford to die, $5,916,887 was donated to the Democrats, and $4,416,729 was donated to the Republicans. We're talking millions folks, not thousands. So, fellow Americans, because both parties are in bed with the HMOs, do you really believe that our health care system will be reformed? It's more horse pucky as usual.

figures are from:

The Center for Responsive Politics1101 14th Street, NW Suite 1030

Washington, D.C. 20005-5635

(202) 857-0044

Watch It and Laugh

In case you didn't know, The Washington Post endorses Barrack Obama. One of my favorite political cartoonists for the "Post", Ann Telnaes, has created the perfect animated cartoon for Halloween, poking fun at the opposition. Click on the url following Ann's bio. Watch it and laugh.

"Ann Telnaes, who was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for editorial cartooning in 2001, has published her work in newspapers and magazines around the world. Her cartoons have been exhibited at the Library of Congress, in Paris and in Jerusalem and have been collected in two books, "Humor's Edge" and "Dick."

"Telnaes has a bachelor's degree in fine arts from the California Institute of the Arts. Before beginning her career as an editorial cartoonist, Telnaes worked for several years at Walt Disney Imagineering as a designer. She has also animated and designed for various studios in London, Los Angeles, New York and Taiwan." -The Washington Post

When you click on the url below and get into the "Post" you'll hear a phone ring. After the phone stops ringing the animated cartoon begins. Happy Halloween!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/opinions/cartoonsandvideos/telnaes/telnaes_main.html

Vote for Bear

As I said in yesterday's blog entry, I'm voting for Bear, my cat. Below is a list of his qualifications:

• He's highly intelligent. Most people think so.
• He provides a valuable service to the public. All the neighbors are rodent free.
• He is loyal to his constituents. He's a sociable guy and loves everyone unconditionally, regardless of how much money they have.
• He is not class conscious. He doesn't care what socio-economic background you come from.
• He can be trusted. Bear comes with no agenda.
• He protects his homeland. He's very territorial and keeps unwanted intruders away.
• Balancing the budget is easy. Bear eats and takes only what he needs.
• Health care is not even an issue. He exercises and eats right.

If you know of national and local candidates who have all of the above qualifications, let me know. I may vote for them.

photo: Inga Mucha Photography

More Horse Pucky

So, whadaya think? It's only 15 more days until Election Day. The point is to be sure to vote. But for whom?!

Above are the choices for the national election. As for our local elections, there has been so much mud slinging going on from most of our NY politicians, I'm voting for the ones who have run a clean campaign, which pretty much means I'll probably vote for Bear. "Who's Bear", you ask? Bear is my cat.

He has perfect teeth just like Obama and Biden, he's fights for what he thinks is his rightful territory like McCain, and he's an avid hunter like Palin. All the great qualities you want in a leader. Other than that, it's more horse pucky as usual.

It Happened Again

It happened again! What's with drivers who insist on using their cell phones while driving, or worse...text messaging! Some moron (whose gender will remain anonymous) almost ran me off the road because he had a cell phone "glued" to his ear and wasn't looking where he was going (now you know the gender). It isn't the first time this has happened and I suspect it won't be the last.

It's illegal in New York state to talk on a cell phone while driving; text messaging should invoke immediate jail time. The fine in our state for talking on a cell phone while driving is $100 pursuant to Vehicle and Traffic Law Section 1225C. Hands free mobile phones are the exception.

Someone I know got fined $250. Apparently the state trooper who caught her (yes, women do it too) was in a bad mood that day...probably sleep deprived from tracking down all those "drive while you use the cell phone" blockheaded nincompoops.

If you need to take or make a call, pull over and do it. Use your common sense. The next time I see someone on their cell phone while they're driving, I'm going to take the law into my own hands. I'll remember their driver's license, get their address, and send them an extra large bag of fresh horse pucky.

We Grow Great Pumpkins

It's that time of year in upstate New York...autumn. I love the warm days, cool nights, beautiful colors found in our leaves and mums, and the wonderful fresh produce found at our local farm stands during this season.

Pumpkins are harvested this time of year and are used for many things: pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, roasted pumpkin seeds, and decorations for Halloween..all things associated with happy childhood memories.

Bright orange pumpkins tossed into wooden bins, by the farmer who grew them, remind me of the hard work it takes to grow them in the first place. I remember planting pumpkin seeds, checking on them every day to see if anything had sprouted. It was so exciting when the first pumpkin finally matured.

I also remember sitting on my grandfather's lap while he drove his tractor, turning the soil with horse pucky tilled into the mix. My grandfather always said, "It's the horse pucky that grows great pumpkins." Think about that the next time you have a piece of pumpkin pie.

Dysfunction Junction

As soon as all this political claptrap is over maybe we can get on with what is really important, such as balancing the budget, health care reform, our almost defunct social security system, and trying to make peace with our off shore neighbors. I wonder if all that is possible as long as the politicians at dysfunction function continue to behave in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

It's time to grow up "boys" and "girls". Remember who is paying your salary and why we voted for you in the first place.

I strongly suggest you reread Lincoln's Gettysburg Address given in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania on November 19, 1863, especially the last line; "...and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from this earth." I think we're in big trouble. We now have a government that's of the government, by the government, and for the government not for the people thanks to dysfunction junction.

I think it's time for another Boston tea party.

Let's Start Over

What you see in the picture above are a group of politicians. Oops, no they're really a congressional gathering of turkeys...same difference. I honestly think the turkeys would do a better job taking care of their constituents. Let's face it folks, real turkeys provide food for Thanksgiving and Christmas; I don't see our elected officials doing that.

I think we should start over. Let's fire everyone in office and elect someone who cares. As for me, I'm voting for the turkeys I "shot" in my backyard.

Political Conventions Are A Horse Laugh

The money spent on political conventions disgusts me. Our country's economy is in trouble because of all the in-house government spending in the form of perks paid to our elected officials. And the federal government is only the beginning.

Granted, a lot of the money raised before election time comes out of the pockets of the politicians themselves and donations from supporters. However, once elected we taxpayers foot the rest of the bill, and it's a hefty one.

Don't get me wrong. I like Barrack Obama. He's wise beyond his years, smart, and a shot in the arm this country needs. His choice of a running mate speaks to his wisdom and strategic planning. I also know that continual marketing is necessary to get into the oval office. BUT, isn't there a better, more cost effective way to do this?

I'll probably listen to Obama's acceptance speech tonight, only because it's a genuine moment in history. After that I'm going out to the barn and enjoy a good horse laugh with my equine friends. As far as I'm concerned, all the political rhetoric is horse pucky. I'd rather shovel it than listen to it.

Exaggerated Claims

We all know flies are attracted to horse pucky, which made me think of the exaggerated claims out there in Websville.

Don't you just love it when online ads, or any ads for that matter, promise a six figure income only working 10 hours a week! The only thing that took me 10 hours a week to do was count the dead flies in the corner of my living room.

It's not that I'm a bad housekeeper or anything. Those pesky little things are dormant when the weather gets cool and then come to life as it gets warmer. They're gone now; it's 83 degrees outside and they were either eaten in flight by the cat or they went outside on their own.

In any case, I still haven't figured out how to make a six figure income working 10 hours a week...flies or no flies.

Horse Pucky Explained

All righty then, to your left we have horse pucky or horse manure. Pucky is also called that other four letter word that begins with an "s" and ends with a "t" but is too crass to mention in polite company.

When properly cured, pucky is great for your garden and indoor plants. It's also symbolizes the state of our nation and all the people in our nation who are full of...well...horse pucky, which is the real reason I've started this blog.

I like people who say it like it is. No nonsense, just the real deal. No tippy-toeing around the issues for me. Walking on eggshells to avoid honest conversation is uncomfortable and a drag. It makes me impatient waiting for the real communication to start. Sorry, I guess I'm not great at small talk.

There's an awful lot of pucky flying around these days. Of course when it lands I guess I need to think of it as cultivating my garden of patience...or is that impatients...no it's impatiens, those herbal, saccate flowers with dehiscent capsules. See what I mean.