Horse Pucky Advice: Clip Joint

Dear Horse Pucky,

 I share an office with another person. This person has the disgusting habit of clipping his nails at work. The clippings land on my desk and sometimes in my coffee. I've tried hinting about this through body language, but the clippings seem to hurtle their way onto my desk at various times of the day. What should I do?

~Clip Joint

Dear CJ,

How gross! First I'd talk with this moron and tell him that not only is his nail clipping habit tacky and offensive in a workplace environment, but it's hygienically unacceptable. If that doesn't work, talk to his supervisor. If that doesn't work, I'll be happy to send you a bag of Horse Pucky so you can leave individual dried horse poops on his desk, along with a gift certificate to have his nails professionally manicured at a local nail spa. 

~ Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Like It, Lump It, or Trim It

Dear Horse Pucky,

My husband and I live in a gaited community in Florida. We have a swimming pool in the back yard with a stone wall on either side of the pool for privacy. Our neighbor has a flowering tree with branches that hang over our stone wall. The damn tree drops flower blossoms into the pool and all over our patio, making a huge mess. 

We've asked the neighbor to cut his tree down and he refuses, saying the tree was there long before we were and we can like it or lump it. We reported him to the homeowners association and they said to settle the situation with our neighbor ourselves.

Maybe we'll sneak over there at night and put Roundup around the tree in hopes it'll die. What is the appropriate way of handling this maddening situation?

~Treed Off


Dear Treed,

What do you have against trees? Forget the Roundup!

Personally, I think flower blossoms in the pool are romantic. I'd go buy some floating candles, put them in the pool with the flower blossoms, and have a romantic tryst in the pool, with my husband, when the sun goes down. Don't forget the champagne. 

OR, you could invite your neighbors over for a pool cleaning party. OR, you could agree to trim the flowering branches that hang over the wall on your side of the patio. In any case, communicate softly and carry a bottle of bubbly with you when you start neighborly conversation.

~Horse Pucky



  

Horse Pucky Advice: Less is Best

Dear Horse Pucky,

A good friend of mine is very attractive. She has natural beauty without need of any makeup. The problem? She LOVES to wear makeup and always overdoes the eyeliner, making her look like Rocky Raccoon. Should I tell her she looks like Rocky or just keep my mouth shut? 

~Shut My Mouth

Dear SMM,

If she's a good friend, tell her in a nice way she looks much prettier without all the eyeliner. If she gets persnickety about the whole thing, buy her a pair of furry ear muffs to go along with the Rocky Raccoon look.

~Horse Pucky 

Horse Pucky Advice: Tasteless Christmas Gift

Dear Horse Pucky,

Five years ago, for Christmas, my now-92-year-old-mother gave me the ugliest sweater I've ever seen. I thanked her for it and told her it was not my style or my size and to please return it, get the money back, and go buy something nice for herself. What did she do?! She kept it for five years, thinking I'd forget about it, and then gave it to me again this year as a Christmas gift. You're probably thinking,'At 92, she's a tad dotty,' but she isn't. She's sharp as a tack, loves bargains, and thinks no one will notice how cheap she is. 

I hate to call her bluff, but the sweater is the tackiest thing I've ever seen. What is the best thing to do so as not to hurt her feelings?  I DON'T WANT IT BACK!

~Ugly Sweater  Kid

Dear USK,

This year keep the sweater and make mittens out of it. Trace your hand with a marker on the sweater, cut out hands, then stitch up with yarn. Next cut off the ribbed part of the sleeve on the sweater, then stitch onto base of mitten with yarn to make a ribbed, bottom sleeve to mitten, and voilla...you have a pair of hand-made mittens.

If you don't wear mittens, give them to your mother. She may or may not notice they're made out of the same sweater she gave you twice in five years. In any case, the mittens will keep her warm. She'll love it. If not, she may never talk to you again. But then you won't have to deal with unbecoming  sweaters at Christmas.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Face Lifts and Beyond

Dear Horse Pucky,

My husband was looking at me kind of funny when I got out of the shower this morning and mentioned that certain parts of my anatomy are looking droopy. He suggested plastic surgery to "perk up" those parts and even offered to pay for the procedures. I'm leery to go under the knife for any reason. What should I  do?

~Droopy


Dear Droopy,

Don't do it!! I'm sure you're beautiful just the way you are. As we age, gravity naturally takes over, and who cares anyway. I mean, what's really important here! If you want to tone up, go to the gym and find a trainer who will help you get into shape gradually.

Have your husband take a good look at what's drooping on him, then offer him a can of spray starch along with a can of putty and a sharp-edged putty knife.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Nude Beach or Not

Dear Horse Pucky,

We have been invited to go to a resort in the Caribbean that has nude beaches only. My spouse and I aren't exactly in the greatest shape and are embarrassed to expose our never-seen-in-public-parts to the rest of the world. We don't want to be stick-in-the-muds or seem boorish. What should we do?

~Flabby and Conservative

Dear F & C,

Let it all hang out and be sure to bring lots of sunscreen. It's a great incentive to get in shape together.

Horse Pucky Advice: Odd Gift

Dear Horse Pucky,

My husband wanted to buy me something different for my birthday. He wanted it to be practical yet sexy. You'll never believe what he got me! A purse-size taser gun! He thought it was sexy because it fit in my purse and that I'd be safe in case of an emergency.

I hate the damn thing. I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I refuse to carry it in my purse and I think it's the dumbest gift he ever bought me. What should I do?

~Mrs. Taser

Dear MT,

Your husband is just looking out for your best interests. HOWEVER, I'd seriously think of using that sexy, yet practical gift on him.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Life After Death

Dear Horse Pucky,

We just got back from a funeral for my Uncle Josh. Ater the funeral we all met at my cousin's house for brunch. Some moron started tallking about his religious beliefs or rather disbeliefs and said there is no life after death, no heaven, no nothing. His statement was, "When you're dead, you're dead!" I thought he was out of line and downright rude. What are your thoughts on this?

~I Hate Morons

Dear IHM,

First of all "Hate" is a pretty strong word, but anger is understandable when you're grieving. One of my rules in group situations like this is: Never discuss religion, politics, or sex unless you're ready for World War III.

We live in a country where we are able to practice religious freedom. Whether you believe or don't believe in a life after death is beside the point. The point is to respect others opinions and be especially compassionate during bereavement time. 

My personal opinion is, I think the person who brought this up in the first place is an insensitive dolt and totally out of line at a very sensitive time. Someone needs to send him a bag of horse pucky.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Thank You Notes

Dear Horse Pucky,

What's with people today?! When I was a child, my mother always stressed the importance of writing and sending a thank you note for gifts received on birthdays and special occassions. She said is was good manners and made the gift giver feel appreciated. For those gifts that are mailed it also lets the gift giver know that the post office delivered your gift to the correct address and in one piece.  

It seems the mannerly practice of thank you notes has gone by the wayside. Tsk-tsk. What are your thoughts on this? Am I being too old fashioned?

~Disgruntled Gift Giver

Dear Disgruntled,

I agree with your mother. A simple thank you note is not only good manners; it's the least one can do when receiving a gift from another person.

You're not old fashioned at all. If someone is thoughtful enough to spend time and money to buy a gift, then the receiver of the gift should take five minutes and write a thank you note, whether the gift is mailed or not.

Some people are ignorant, just plain lazy, or worse yet...neanderthalls.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Dish to Pass

Dear Horse Pucky,

My husband and I are invited to dinner at a couple's house this weekend. When I asked if we could bring a dish to pass, the hostess emphatically said, "No!" I feel really funny showing up empty handed. What should I do?

~Not Too Sure

Dear NTS,

First of all, I wouldn't have asked to bring a dish to pass. I suggest you purchase a nice bottle of their favorite wine to take to the house. If they don't drink, perhaps a lovely bouquet of flowers for the table would be nice. There are plenty of gorgeous summer flower bouquets available at local roadside stands.

Just remember, no means no.

On the other hand, if you were coming to my house for dinner, I'd have asked you to bring the whole dinner...and the wine...and the flowers.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: To Ask or Not To Ask

Dear Horse Pucky,

My wife and I were going on a weekend trip around the NY State Finger Lakes region and realized the GPS was lost. We decided to wing-it as far as finding our way to various tourist spots and even some out ot the way places that were suggested to us by friends. Big mistake.

We started out fine, but ended up getting into one argument after another. I swear, the Mrs. has no sense of direction at all. She was my navigator and couldn't tell the difference between north, south, east, or west. So we got lost, I mean really lost. I wanted to stop and ask for directions at the local gas station and she said, "No, this is a real adventure."  

It was an adventure all right. It was a challenging experience to see how long our bladders would hold out and our stomaches could go empty. What would you have done? Asked for directions or not?

~Full Bladder with Empty Stomach

Dear FB,

Why didn't you stop at a gas station, use the rest room, then get a map ? Why did you make "The Mrs." your navigator if she has no sense of direction?

Just to let you know, I get really cranky if I don't eat, so I can identify with you.  On the other hand, I also like a sense of adventure, so I empathize with your wife. In either case, next time do a little planning, stop the arguing, and enjoy the day. Bloom where you are planted.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Black or Not

Dear Horse Pucky,

I'm going to a wedding next weekend and I have a cute little black dress I want to wear. All my friends are telling me that black is inappropriate to wear at a wedding especially in the summer time. I really don't feel like spending the money on a new dress, and I look great in black. What do you think?

~Sweet Sue from Kalamazoo

Dear Sue,

Wear the black dress and tell your friends to buzz off. Black is perfectly appropriate for weddings and funerals. You're covered no matter where you go; from the beginning to the end. I laud your practicality and good sense.

~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: What do I say?

Dear Horse Pucky,

I was invited to an acquaintance's house for dinner, for the first time. When the food was served, I didn't care for the entree. Should I have been gracious and eaten it anyway or told the hostess I don't like squid even though I've never tried it before? I ended up feeding it to the family cat, under the dining room table when no one was looking. ~Don't Like Squid

Dear DLS,

I tried squid once and it tasted like rubber bands. It probably wasn't prepared correctly.

In your case, there are a couple of "firsts" here; first time at a new acquaintance's house, and first time for squid. I would have tried a very small portion of the entree. If you've never had it before, and your hostess cooked it properly, it may have been delicious and you would have added a new taste sensation to your repertoire.

If, on the other hand, the squid reminded you of the strings on an old banjo, I'd be honest with your hostess and tell her you just don't care for squid, but the rest of the meal is delicious. You certainly don't want her to fix squid again for you. You don't want to hurt her feelings either.

As for the cat; if the little fur ball likes squid, regardless of the texture, you may be on to a different kind of cat food flavor. Try calling Purina.  ~Horse Pucky

Horse Pucky Advice: Cat's Favorite

Dear Horse Pucky,

Our family cat likes my wife better than me. Why is that? ~Cat Lover Too

Dear CL Too,

Maybe it's your after shave, the tone of your voice, or how you treat your wife. Give the cat some cat treats, then take your wife out for a romantic dinner for two. Be sure you don't get the two mixed up.

If you really want to impress the Mrs., plant a rose bush. Dig two feet deep, add some horse pucky, then put in the rose bush, cover with topsoil, and water. She'll love it.

The cat may decide to like you better, 'cause that's how cats are. ~ Horse Pucky

Enjoy the day!  ~The Horse Pucky Queen

Horse Pucky Advice: In-laws and Limburger Cheese

Dear Horse Pucky,

Usually I love summer, but my in-laws are visiting for two months and I'm dreading it. How do I deal with this? ~Disgruntled Daughter-in-law

Dear DD,

You can serve them Limburger cheese with Brussels sprouts for dinner. OR leave town and stay with YOUR family for two months. OR put fresh horse pucky in your garden, which is usually a guarantee your in-laws won't stick around for long. ~Horse Pucky

Have a great day, y'all. ~The Horse Pucky Queen

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~The Horse Pucky Queen