Horse Pucky Advice: Less is Best

Dear Horse Pucky,

A good friend of mine is very attractive. She has natural beauty without need of any makeup. The problem? She LOVES to wear makeup and always overdoes the eyeliner, making her look like Rocky Raccoon. Should I tell her she looks like Rocky or just keep my mouth shut? 

~Shut My Mouth

Dear SMM,

If she's a good friend, tell her in a nice way she looks much prettier without all the eyeliner. If she gets persnickety about the whole thing, buy her a pair of furry ear muffs to go along with the Rocky Raccoon look.

~Horse Pucky 

Horse Laugh

Our GOP candidates are definitely good for a horse laugh or two. Take Mitt Romney. He thinks, '$347K annually isn't very much money.' This is what he earns yearly as a public speaker on the side. How can he possibly relate to the general population he's supposed to be representing? It's actually funny.

Then there's old "Newtie". He's been reprimanded by the House of Representatives for ethics violations and was forced to resign his post from the House by members of his own party. 

Newt's on marriage number three to Callista, who is 23 years his junior. With her plastic hair and other bodily alterations, which include a nose job, face lift, and botox, I'd say they're both right up there with the Who's Who of Pretense.

It's all too much for the Horse Pucky Queen. What happened to morals, ethics, and values? In case you're wondering, I'm not voting for any of these guys. Why? Because the GOP is nothing more than a horse laugh most of the time, and a pile of horse pucky all of the time.   

Wanted: For Pond Abandonment

Bob Crane

If you see this guy let me know. He's the creator of Cranelegs Pond and he's wanted for reckless abandonment.

It's a bad idea to rile the Horse Pucky Queen, Robert, so I'm sending out an a.p.b. for you. 

Y'all know how to get in touch with me.

We miss you, Bobby.

Holy Smoke

Our church secretary, Vicki, called me today and asked if I was having a good day. Vicki never calls me, especially to ask if I'm having a good day. 'This is not a good sign,' I thought with an uneasy feeling, but I remained calm.  "As a matter of fact, I'm having a wonderful day," I said very chipper-like. "How about you?" "Well," Vicki said, "I have something to tell you." This was beginning to sound more ominous by the minute.

As the bereavement group minister at our church, I meet with a group of folks, once a month, who are trying to heal from their loss. At the last two meetings our group decided to dim the lights in the conference room and light candles in memory of their loved ones. We discovered that the candlelight meetings are more relaxing, peaceful, and spiritually uplifting. There was only one problem.

When the parish bookeeper came into the church office the following the morning she smelled smoke in the conference room. I forgot to blow out one of the candles, which was left burning all night. All I could  say was, "Thank God the church didn't burn down! Oh yeah, and I'm really sorry, Vicki." To which she replied, "From now on no more candles. We are further advised to lock up all matches, scissors, or any pointy objects when you are around." To which I replied, "Are you sure your bookeeper didn't smell sulphur this morning?"

Tight Ends

NY Giants vs. Atlanta Falcons on January 8, 2012

Football is not one of my favorite sports, but I try to feign interest to keep peace with Jon. I must admit there are some pretty exciting moments when games go into overtime, but I have a confession to make. It's those tight ends parading around out there on the field who I enjoy watching.

Guys, if the real truth be known, the only reason your wives, and/or girlfriends watch football with you is because of those tight ends. Or is that one of positions they play?  Football players I mean.

With camera in hand, I decided to take a picture of a tight end, bending over, so I could share with my other female friends. As luck would have it, I got a bigger-than-life picture of #77's gut instead. It serves me right for lewd behavior while the game was being played. Plus I got scolded for standing in front the wide screen TV. Apparantly I got in the way of a major play.

Tight ends or not, I can't wait until golf season starts. 

Horse Pucky Shirts for Christmas

Jon wearing his HP shirt.

It wasn't my idea, honest. Three people ordered seven  Horse Pucky shirts to be embroidered and gift wrapped by Christmas. Jon is the proud recipient of one of the shirts, which he wanted for Christmas. What do you get a guy who has everything? A Horse Pucky shirt!

At least you get an idea of what the HP shirts look like when someone is wearing one.

The Granger Homestead Carriage Committee ordered a shirt to put in their horse-themed gift basket this year. It's the first time the basket of goodies received a $200 bid. The proceeds are used to preserve the historic Homestead in Canandaigua, NY. I'd like to think the HP shirt had something to do with the generous bid, especially since everyone thought it was hysterical.

Believe me, the shirts get lots of attention and loads of laughs. It's a fun and unique gift.

Of course, it helps to have a handsome man modeling the HP designer apparel. Jon can't wait to go mall walking to see how many women will notice his Horse Pucky shirt. I may have created a monster.

Times Square and Beyond

Lady GaGa

Normally on New Year's Eve I'm asleep on the sofa by 11:00 P.M., but this year I decided to stay up past midnight to watch the ball drop and check out the the musical entertainment in NYC. I've never had the opportunity to watch Lady GaGa and her crew perform, so I figured it might be fun. Well, I was wrong. I'm not sure if I'm getting too old for this sort of thing, but this is NOT entertainment; it's noise. As for the "Lady", she looked like an overgrown, black widow spider on a caffeine high with assorted spider mates flailing around beside her.

 Then there's Dick Clark. At age 82, I admire him for being in bustling, noisy Times Square in the first place, especially after a stroke. However, I think he may have been better off retiring to the sofa with a glass of bubbly, staying warm by the fireplace, and leaving all the noise and hoopla to the under-age drunks in New York city.

What is especially noteworthy is the contrast between the two entertainers, Lady GaGa and Dick Clark. While I'm chuckling at the dichotomy between the two characters, they're both laughing all the way to the bank, but for different reasons.

I really think the key to being prosperous in 2012 is to have a gimmick like the "Lady"and Dick. Everyone needs a gimmick; something beyond Time Square. Think about what you really want to do and who you really want to become in 2012, and then go for it. I'm going to continue my journey as The Horse Pucky Queen. I'm having fun with that, without a clue as to where it will take me.

I can assure you there will be no Lady Horse Pucky for me. Why? Because it's good to be queen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!