Flour or Flower on Valentine's Day?

Jon and I were sitting on the sofa after brunch late this morning and he asked me, "Do you want a flower on Valentine's day?" "I thought you were alergic to flowers in the house," I replied. "No, I was thinking more like a 12# bag of King Arthur flour so you could make me chocolate chip cookies for Valentine's Day. There's a lot of romance surrounding King Arthur." At which point, I was thinking of hurling a sharp object at him, but declined due to strict laws in NY state regarding pointed, flying objects aimed at humans.

Just a tidbit of local history: Rochester, NY (where we live) used to be known as the flour city. In 1824 there were 20 flour mills producing 500,000 barrels of flour annually. By 1850 Rochester became the flower city because upstate horticulturists, Ellwinger and Barry, started a seed company which became the largest seed company in the world.

Bottom line: Ladies, make sure your communication is 100% accurate even if you have to spell it out. WOMEN WANT FLOWERS NOT FLOUR. We ALL know what men REALLY want. And it isn't chocolate chip cookies...maybe...sort of...or in addition to.

Valentine's Day: You Never Know

Women never know what guys want for Valentine's Day. In order to figure out what to get my Sweetie on February 14th, I checked the "net" and found at least six things men want most for "V" day. I wasn't too surprised to find the following, somewhat surprised at others:

1. Micro Beer Bucket Gift Basket, $69.99@GourmetBaskets.com This comes as no surprise.

2. Drive a Nascar, $229.00@CloudNineLiving Not too surprising either.

3. Men's Wicked Good Slippers, $49.95@atL.L.L.Bean I have the women's version and I love mine. Good idea and very practical for those who live in the snowbelt.

4. Bucky Balls , $29.50@UncommonGoods Not sure I even want to go there.

5. Personalized Outdoor Grill Metal Plaque, $58.99@HomeWetBar Great way to get your honey to grill outside no matter what the weather conditions.

6.Personalized M&Ms with your name & your sweethearts name on each M&M, or your favorite baseball or football teams. The sky's the limit with M&Ms. $37@myM&Ms Intriguing. I suspect most guys would like their favorite football team.

My favorite gift idea is a bag of Horse Pucky. It's great for the garden and indoor house plants. It definitely conveys a heartfelt message on many levels and men love it! Let me know if you want any because I have a limited supply of these gift bags in stock.

It's All In the Drawl

Well Y'all, I just found out today why I didn't get the job as head coach of the Buffalo Bills. It's because I lack a prevalent Southern drawl. I practiced my "y'all" for months but it turns out that Buddy Nix's Alabama speech patterns and Chandler Gailey's Georgia oral fabrications were favored over my upstate NY flat "e" nasal twang. Oh well.

Buffalo Bills owner, Ralph Wilson thought I had some great qualifications. One of which is the short driving distance from Rochester to Buffalo, and the other is firing the whole team and starting over. At least I'm on a wait list. If Gailey doesn't work out, this just may be my ticket to the NFL hall of fame or maybe it's the AFL or the PGA.

If you believe any of this I'll be happy to send you a bag of horse pucky.

Good Grief Valentine!

How in the world did the romantic version of St. Valentine's Day come to pass when St. Valentine, a Roman priest, was beaten to death with clubs and stones and then beheaded just because he married Christian couples? All because helping Christians in 496 A.D. was a crime. Good grief! Where's the romance there?

I guess Hallmark changed everything in the 20th century or maybe it was Chaucer in the 14th century. In either case, being beheaded puts a whole new twist on things and certainly gives special meaning to the song, "Losing My Head Over You".

Roving Eyes

Why is it that men, no matter how happy they are with the woman they're with, have a roving eye?

Can any of you gentlemen answer that question? This is a survey.

Exciting New Job Perspective

After serious consideration, I decided to submit my resume to the Buffalo Bills as their head coach.

My qualifications are as follows:

1. Cheerleader for Eastridge High School Lancers football team (1958).

2. I can throw a spiral pass at least one yard on a good day.

3. I live in Rochester, NY and Buffalo is only 80 miles away. With my "lead" foot, I can get there in 45 minutes.

4. I love the snow.

5. Being a female coach increases the testosterone levels of the players, thus lighting a fire under them so they play better.

6. Just sittiing and watching the Bills play is frustrating. As head coach, I can become an active participant and swear at them in person.

7. I'm cuter than Dick Jauron, and definitely have more energy.

8. Owner, Ralph wilson, Jr. at age 91 is near-sighted and probably won't even realize I'm a female.

9. I'm totally familiar with the AFL, NFL, AFC, PGA, HBPA.

10. Last but not least I have the perfect last name...BEERS. The guys can call me "Six Pack".

Whadaya think? Will I get the job or not? I'll definitly keep you posted.

First Sign of Cabin Fever

Many women have beautiful feet. I'm not one of them. Over the years I've been stepped on by horses, men who think they can dance, and objects falling from overhead closets that were placed where they shoulddn't have been. But it doesn't matter, because this time of year (and it's only the middle of January) I get cabin fever. The first thing I do to avoid my homicidal tendencies during these cold snowy months is get out a bottle of red nail polish and paint my toenails. It's usually a rite of spring, but this year I can't wait until spring.

I keep the house at 62 degrees, because I'm too cheap to pay the gas & electric company their exorbantant rates, so the red nail polish I used got kinda gloppy. Again, I don't really care, because my toes are a lovely shade of gloppy red and I'm happy. Everytime I look at my toes I smile. Yup, this cold weather is really getting to me. But, then again, simple minds like simple things.

Has It Been That Long?

I can't believe October 13th was my last post. Tsk, tsk.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays, Happy Hannuka, or whatever is politically correct these days.

In any and all cases I wish all of you a super year full of mischief, curmudgeonly spirit, and good old rip roaring raucous humor. When all else fails, have fun!