Foot in Mouth Embarrassing Moment

I'm in Florida right now. We celebrated my Mom's 90th birthday on Sunday, the 24th. In addition, I met my future son-in-law, Mark for the first time, who flew in from Key West with my daughter, Teri, on Sunday. I'm staying with my son, John who has a new girlfriend, Solidad. My brother, Terry added to the mix of intersting people.

Then it happened. We were talking about getting together in another six months for a cookout. Each person discussed what would be good to cook on the grill. Everything was mentioned except hot dogs. This is where I piped in and said, "You forgot the tube steaks. I love tube steaks." Mark looked at me in disbelief as everyone turned three shades of red and burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at. Mark turned to Teri grinning from ear to ear and said, "Your mother is a wild woman."

John was on his Blackberry, handed it to me and said, "Here's the definition of a tube steak." After reading the definition I yelped, "Are you kidding me! All this time I thought a tube steak meant hot dog. That's what it means in Pennsylvania!"

I'm not going to tell you what tube steak means. Use your imagination or look it up. Be careful what area of the country you use certain words so you don't have a foot-in-mouth embarrassing moment.

P.S. My 90 year old mother thought it was so funny she was checking her 1972 copyrighted dictionary to see if tube steak was in there. It wasn't.

Men and Spandex

I was inspired by a gentleman, who thinks men look great in any kind of bathing suit. Of course I disagree. Read on if you dare.

Men's bathing suits are fairly simple and usually conservative in color. They wear trunks, jams, or Speedos.

In my opinion, swim trunks are most flattering on men, with jams being my second choice. No man, no matter how fit they are, should ever wear a Speedo in public.

I like something left to my imagination...spandex on men doesn't do it...either for them or for me.

My Winter Expansion Program

Take a look at the word spandex. If you change the letters around a little you have the word expands.

There are two reasons bathing suit manufacturers chose the word spandex and continue to use it in their swimsuits.

The first reason takes into consideration the thoughtfulness of the manufacturer…it's to oblige weight fluctuation. As I put on weight over the winter, the spandex accommodates my changing shape. I call it my winter expansion program. Bathing suit manufacturers are well aware of the program and market accordingly, which brings us to reason number two.

Manufacturers are well aware that after prolonged use, especially in a chlorine pool, spandex loses its elasticity. It's not pretty after that. Gravity takes over and everything migrates toward the equator. At that point, it's time for a new bathing suit, which is exactly what the swimsuit manufacturer's plan was all along.

As I continue to age, my winter expansion program and the laws of gravity make spandex a necessary requirement in my swimsuits. The fact is my bikini days are over, folks. I gracefully accept that fact as I look forward to thoroughly enjoying the summer either in or out of a bathing suit. And you can take that any way you want.

Language Confusion

Ever been to the United Kingdom? Oscar Wilde said, “The Americans are identical to the British in all respects except of course language.” Going there can make for amusing language confusion.

If you go to the UK and tell a Brit that you’ve been watching the boob tube (U.S. television) it would raise a completely wrong image. In the UK, boob tube is a slang term for a tank top or knitted sleeve top. Oops!

Telling a Brit that your daughter just got braces on her teeth, may classify you as a wazzack. Braces mean suspenders in the UK and are used for keeping your pants up. They’ll wonder why your daughter has suspenders on her teeth.

In case you are wondering what wazzack means, I’ll tell you. If you aren’t wondering, I’ll tell you anyway. When the Brits call somebody a wazzack, it’s a friendly way of telling them they are idiots. For example, “Listen you wazzack, don’t you know the difference between braces and suspenders.”

When traveling to other countries, make sure you know what their slang means before you use it. Oh, by the way, horse pucky means horse shit in the UK.

Is It Love or Lust

Love and lust is truly blind. If you have both, sexuality becomes a bond rather than a manipulative, controlling tool.

What is the difference between love and lust? Sometimes it's both. This is where it gets tricky.

Lust:

• Thinking with the wrong head.
  
• Not thinking at all.
  
• You don't care about what she has to say.


• You're obsessed about what she looks like.


• You only want to be with her for the sex.


• You think about what's best for you and not for her.


• You're quick to anger when she says or does something wrong.


• You look at other women when you're with her.

Love:

• You have great chemistry.


• You get lost in conversation, hours seem like minutes.


• You think one another is the best thing since sliced bread.


• You think she's beautiful.


• She thinks you're handsome.


• You include one another in everyday plans.


• You have fun doing simple things, like going for walks, watching the sunset.


• You look forward to introducing her to family and friends.


• You want to spend time together.


• You don't push the the sexual experience, but wait until you're both ready. Just being with one another is what's important.


• You see a future together.


• You feel comfortable and safe with one another.

Love is the most enobling of human emotions. It is trancendental, exalting, and capable of changing us into being better human beings. I highly recommend it!

Kick Ass Sneakers

Michelle Obama may have paid $540 for her French sneakers, but they don't hold a candle to my pastel plaid, kick ass, high top, all stars by Converse. And I only paid $25 for them, on sale, at the Famous Footwear store.

Take a gander at those plaid babies. Are they cool or what? Eat you heart out Michelle. I know you wish you had called me first. We could've go on a shopping spree together at Famous Footwear in Rochester, NY. After that we'd be off to the barn for some serious horse pucky stompin' in our haute couture diddly bops.

Oh yeah, that's what we called sneakers in high school a few years back...diddly bops. And they didn't cost taxpayers $540.