Jail or Taxes: Which Do You Prefer?

Oh goody! It's that time of year when I start getting my tax forms along with the IRS Forms and Instructions booklet. This is supposed to be a guide book. A guide dog would be better.

Let's take a look at Schedule A - Itemized Deductions (The word itemized is an open invitation for someone with a creative and over-active imagination that could result in possible jail time.)

1. Medical and Dental Expenses:  Enter amount you paid during the year on line 36 of whatever form your supposed to use, then multiply line 2 by the age of your first born daughter. If you have a son you have to give him away to the nearest IRS representative who is closest to the district you live in.

2. Taxes You Paid: State, Local, real estate, personal property, and other taxes. Taxes on water, air, and any passing of gas. We all know methane gas pollutes the atmosphere, so a tax on farts is to be expected.

3. Interest You Paid: Home mortgage, interest not reported on other forms, points, and investments. Speaking of Interest, what if I'm just plain not interested in doing my taxes? Maybe I'd qualify for an upper level prison bunk.

4. Gifts to Charity: You must attach form 8283 if over $500. If you are the charity...say nothing.

5. Casualty and Theft Losses: Attach form 4684. If you've done the stealing...again, say nothing.

6. Job Expenses: I wonder if I can deduct cat food this year. Bear keeps me sane...sort of. Or would that fall under medical expenses?

7. Other Miscellaneous Deductions: Hourly wage for napping. Snacks to keep me productive during working hours. Packaging for the horse pucky I put in gift bags and sell. Oops, I forgot, the packaging goes into a whole different category and on another form with a tax ID #. Yup, now horse pucky has its own tax ID#. 

When I add up all the Total Itemized Deductions and subtract them from my annual income, I come up with a big fat $0. My son is too old to give away to the IRS and it turns out they don't want him anyway. It's better he works to help support the government.